i have a friend
a friend who i felt (and still feel), is a strong, successful, inspiring, dedicated, talented, hilarious, and trusting.
recently, this friend went through a breakup, in which his gf of 2 years put him through the ringer – by doing a multitude of things that he shared with me, and i can 100% relate to. all, leaving him heartbroken. then, the moment that there was a breath of change in his life – 2 months later – and indication that he could perhaps move on from his heartache, there seemed to be a change between him and his former gf as well. she took avenues that i am all too familiar with, to ‘work things out’.
i found out when he told me – after we hung out one night – that ‘he’ felt it wasn’t good for us to continue to hang out. he and his gf were going to ‘try to work things out’. they were going to give what they had another swing – they ‘owed it’ to the relationship. and, according to him, ‘he’ felt that i was a hurdle to that exploration. i was hurt. but then it got worse:
f(riend): “… we should talk sometime this week. i just find it weird that all my stuff keeps showing up on your blog, etc. “
me: “yup – no need to talk. my tumblr is future posted, so anything on there, i linked before we talked. if I’m supposed to pretend like you don’t exist moving forward, no problem”
f: “ok, if anything else is future posted, i would really appreciate if you can just watch that. it looks weird, and just doesn’t feel right. thanks. i just don’t want any wrong impressions out there for anyone”
shocked. hurt. angered.
so many responses went through my head – so i just did not respond.
and i find myself confused – was he presumptuous, or fainthearted?
i have struggled to get to a point at which i could adequately describe my feelings, and use this blog as a tool for that for so long. to now feel threatened by what i post on my blog, is an awful feeling – and yet, i continue to be motivated by moments like this. and to be true to myself. and so i write. not for anyone else, and not to comment on situations outside of my scope - but to reflect on what experiences mean to me, and what my past, present and future says about the people who are in my world.
what is it about love that turns who we are, and what we know, on our heads? we become cowards in a world where we are normally brave; we become heartless in a world in which we are normally filled with love; we become angry in a world in which we are normally level headed; we hurt anyone and everyone around us, in a world in which we normally care not to.
we can’t erase the past. we can’t erase all memories of ourselves; or of our moments with others. we can’t forget the moments we've shared with those we have cared (and continue to care) about; the way our friendships feel. no one can. and despite our conscious decisions (or other people's decisions, when ours are impacted by those we care about), life happens. it’s what happens between what we’ve planned.
we don’t plan to have our hearts ripped apart by those people who we think really matter. we don’t plan to lose the perfect stories - the stories we do plan to tell at weddings. we don’t plan for the people we love to maintain a relationship with someone else, while lying to us. we don’t plan to have to confront them. we don’t plan to have to be without the people we love - friends, family, partners. we don’t plan for any of those people to leave us waiting – in fact, in the movie of our lives, we planned for them to chase us, say sorry, and live happily ever after. we don’t plan for them to ignore us, blame us, fight us, and move on so quickly. we don’t plan to have to spend moments alone, without them. we don’t plan to have to move on. i'm not even sure we ever do, or can plan to be hurt.
no one plans those moments.
but those moments that follow – the good writing, the time with friends that we may not have had, the moments of self reflection, self affirmation, self realization, and that solitude that grounds an ache in us so deep – they are the only thing that reminds you that you are still alive. when the pain hurts so badly that you can't imagine how one day it could possible get better - those are the moments that you feel life happening. The cracks in that foundation that you had laid, planned, wished for – those cracks are where bits of nature find themselves growing. i learned this quite adequately 10 months ago.
there is something so sad about a person in that state. i don’t abhor that – i’ve been there. i’ve done those things. but the moment that a person allows (when i myself, have allowed) another person to direct their state of mind, thoughts, intellectual capacity – to allow someone to occupy space in their mind for free, without any reciprocity of care – that is the moment in which a love is lost.
this is all to say that when I received these messages, i was sad. i was frustrated, of course, that i was being patronized by written language in such a way (via electronics, nonetheless). but i was more sad – to have lost a valuable friend; to have missed an oppourtunity to develop talents and future moments; to know a friend who will be hurt, and yet that they are not so flexible to allow their future to be rewritten, and as such, give someone else the right and responsibility of steering their path – someone who they know is guilty of misdirecting them already in their story; sad that they allow this person to make decision for them, and disillusion their friendships, and lifestyle in such a way, that it colours their pragmatic views of the world they live in, and the people around them. i've been that person, and it crushed my friends to watch it happen. and i can see myself from their eyes now - though hindsight is always 20/20.
in one of the last real conversations i had with this friend, i told him about my best friend jake, and my group of amazing friends who had taken it upon themselves to egg the house of the first guy who ever broke my heart. we were in 2nd year university, and i’m fairly confident there was a fair amount of alcohol involved, but finding this out later in life made me nearly cry at their loyalty. and this friend – during our conversation – said to me, “i wish i had friends who were that loyal – all my friends, and family, still talk to her. still maintain her as part of their lives.”
i am lucky - i have friends who are loyal. i have coworkers who care for me. i have been hurt many many times, and i have allowed myself to learn from those moments (though some friends may say i learnt too much, too soon). and though in some ways i may never move on from those specific moments in time - grade 12, 2nd year university, 4th year university, last august - i do know that it's all part of the story. it's all part of what we allow ourselves (and the people around us) to write in our memories, and moments. and when we give other people the pen, we throw faith to the wind. i'm no good at it - but i base that on the fact that providing people with the pen to my own story has only proven to end in tragedy most often.
so this i wish for all of us – those who are reading: i sincerely hope we find happiness. i hope those who hurt us, realize they have hurt us. i hope we only allow people to love us the way that we deserve to be loved. and the way that we all deserve to sacrifice everything – relationships, creativity, dignity, and our hearts – for. i hope that we all find the strength in ourselves to do what we love – despite what other people expect of us. i hope that we can allow ourselves to move forward, learning from our experiences. i hope we can finally find ourselves comfortable with our various relationships – in such a way that we don’t have to worry about what people think.
and until these things happen - and after they are all proven true - i maintain that i continue to write for myself. an outlet. a therapy. you can read, or you can ignore. but if you make the conscious decision to read, then this is written for you, but not to you.
it's to me. hopefully a way to communicate to my future, or former self that one day, it will all turn out the way it is supposed to.
a friend who i felt (and still feel), is a strong, successful, inspiring, dedicated, talented, hilarious, and trusting.
recently, this friend went through a breakup, in which his gf of 2 years put him through the ringer – by doing a multitude of things that he shared with me, and i can 100% relate to. all, leaving him heartbroken. then, the moment that there was a breath of change in his life – 2 months later – and indication that he could perhaps move on from his heartache, there seemed to be a change between him and his former gf as well. she took avenues that i am all too familiar with, to ‘work things out’.
i found out when he told me – after we hung out one night – that ‘he’ felt it wasn’t good for us to continue to hang out. he and his gf were going to ‘try to work things out’. they were going to give what they had another swing – they ‘owed it’ to the relationship. and, according to him, ‘he’ felt that i was a hurdle to that exploration. i was hurt. but then it got worse:
f(riend): “… we should talk sometime this week. i just find it weird that all my stuff keeps showing up on your blog, etc. “
me: “yup – no need to talk. my tumblr is future posted, so anything on there, i linked before we talked. if I’m supposed to pretend like you don’t exist moving forward, no problem”
f: “ok, if anything else is future posted, i would really appreciate if you can just watch that. it looks weird, and just doesn’t feel right. thanks. i just don’t want any wrong impressions out there for anyone”
shocked. hurt. angered.
so many responses went through my head – so i just did not respond.
and i find myself confused – was he presumptuous, or fainthearted?
i have struggled to get to a point at which i could adequately describe my feelings, and use this blog as a tool for that for so long. to now feel threatened by what i post on my blog, is an awful feeling – and yet, i continue to be motivated by moments like this. and to be true to myself. and so i write. not for anyone else, and not to comment on situations outside of my scope - but to reflect on what experiences mean to me, and what my past, present and future says about the people who are in my world.
what is it about love that turns who we are, and what we know, on our heads? we become cowards in a world where we are normally brave; we become heartless in a world in which we are normally filled with love; we become angry in a world in which we are normally level headed; we hurt anyone and everyone around us, in a world in which we normally care not to.
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| from weheartit.com/ |
we don’t plan to have our hearts ripped apart by those people who we think really matter. we don’t plan to lose the perfect stories - the stories we do plan to tell at weddings. we don’t plan for the people we love to maintain a relationship with someone else, while lying to us. we don’t plan to have to confront them. we don’t plan to have to be without the people we love - friends, family, partners. we don’t plan for any of those people to leave us waiting – in fact, in the movie of our lives, we planned for them to chase us, say sorry, and live happily ever after. we don’t plan for them to ignore us, blame us, fight us, and move on so quickly. we don’t plan to have to spend moments alone, without them. we don’t plan to have to move on. i'm not even sure we ever do, or can plan to be hurt.
no one plans those moments.
but those moments that follow – the good writing, the time with friends that we may not have had, the moments of self reflection, self affirmation, self realization, and that solitude that grounds an ache in us so deep – they are the only thing that reminds you that you are still alive. when the pain hurts so badly that you can't imagine how one day it could possible get better - those are the moments that you feel life happening. The cracks in that foundation that you had laid, planned, wished for – those cracks are where bits of nature find themselves growing. i learned this quite adequately 10 months ago.
this is all to say that when I received these messages, i was sad. i was frustrated, of course, that i was being patronized by written language in such a way (via electronics, nonetheless). but i was more sad – to have lost a valuable friend; to have missed an oppourtunity to develop talents and future moments; to know a friend who will be hurt, and yet that they are not so flexible to allow their future to be rewritten, and as such, give someone else the right and responsibility of steering their path – someone who they know is guilty of misdirecting them already in their story; sad that they allow this person to make decision for them, and disillusion their friendships, and lifestyle in such a way, that it colours their pragmatic views of the world they live in, and the people around them. i've been that person, and it crushed my friends to watch it happen. and i can see myself from their eyes now - though hindsight is always 20/20.
in one of the last real conversations i had with this friend, i told him about my best friend jake, and my group of amazing friends who had taken it upon themselves to egg the house of the first guy who ever broke my heart. we were in 2nd year university, and i’m fairly confident there was a fair amount of alcohol involved, but finding this out later in life made me nearly cry at their loyalty. and this friend – during our conversation – said to me, “i wish i had friends who were that loyal – all my friends, and family, still talk to her. still maintain her as part of their lives.”
i am lucky - i have friends who are loyal. i have coworkers who care for me. i have been hurt many many times, and i have allowed myself to learn from those moments (though some friends may say i learnt too much, too soon). and though in some ways i may never move on from those specific moments in time - grade 12, 2nd year university, 4th year university, last august - i do know that it's all part of the story. it's all part of what we allow ourselves (and the people around us) to write in our memories, and moments. and when we give other people the pen, we throw faith to the wind. i'm no good at it - but i base that on the fact that providing people with the pen to my own story has only proven to end in tragedy most often.
so this i wish for all of us – those who are reading: i sincerely hope we find happiness. i hope those who hurt us, realize they have hurt us. i hope we only allow people to love us the way that we deserve to be loved. and the way that we all deserve to sacrifice everything – relationships, creativity, dignity, and our hearts – for. i hope that we all find the strength in ourselves to do what we love – despite what other people expect of us. i hope that we can allow ourselves to move forward, learning from our experiences. i hope we can finally find ourselves comfortable with our various relationships – in such a way that we don’t have to worry about what people think.
and until these things happen - and after they are all proven true - i maintain that i continue to write for myself. an outlet. a therapy. you can read, or you can ignore. but if you make the conscious decision to read, then this is written for you, but not to you.
it's to me. hopefully a way to communicate to my future, or former self that one day, it will all turn out the way it is supposed to.