Something occurred to me the other day. People read this blog. Not that I didn't realize this before, and not that I haven't written to the masses… but if people read this blog… then…
People I know might read this blog
People at work might read this blog.
People who I am writing about might read this blog.
My ex boyfriend might read this blog.
Yikes.
This world is a way for me to be true. To express things I know not how to express in person; in words. To be honest with not the world, but myself. To put it down on paper to remind myself of all that I need to do - all that I owe myself. To remind myself of where I've been, so I know who I am, and what I have become.
Unbrelievable wrote a great entry on this - she was recently revealed to the world…
Through this public awareness of my person, I guess I am acknowledging… realizing… accepting… that I am only human. I make mistakes. I make a lot of them. And a lot of them are stupid. But they are there. And they happened.
I don't fit into a mold - and by realizing this, I can accept that no one does.
I fall in love too fast - or not fast enough.
I fall in love with those who don't love me, and I wish/hope/pray I could fall in love with those who do.
I can't be happy with 99.7% - I require 163% or I beat myself up - and what is 'good enough' is not for me.
I'm a workaholic - but that word only applies when you work outside a frame.
I expect the best of every person I encounter - and people don't always prove to be the best.
I live twice as hard, fast, strong, and intensely as most people - and it means that I get twice as exhausted, closed off, left out and hurt than lots of people.
I don't communicate or feel the way other people do - but as long as I do communicate, and as long as I do feel, then that's ok.
This all is to say - hello. Hello to those people in my life who read this blog - whether I know about it, or I don't.
Hello ex boyfriend - yes. I write about you. But you're also going to find I write about other men who have impacted me; other men who will impact me. Yes - I have loved (and will love) more strongly than I loved you. Yes - I've dated and felt less strongly about them, than I did about you. Yes - it was a waste of time, but a way to fill the space left by you. Yes - I learned a million things from you. Yes - I will never stop thinking about what you meant to me. And yes - I will continue to write about you, and I will continue to write about other men, and often you will not know if it's about you, or another. But if you keep reading, you might find reflections on 'us' that will explain 'us'... You… me.
Hello friends - yes. I write about you. I write candidly, and brutally; I write truthfully, and emotionally; I write objectively, and without reason; I write about you. And I will continue to write, because I don't know how to speak. I don't know how to communicate on some levels that other people seem to innately know how to speak on. So I will write.
Hello current boys - yes. I write about you. I write about you a lot. I write about your flaws. I write about your pros. I write about how you made me feel and why I couldn’t feel. I write about what I can't talk about, and what I wish I could say to you. I write about how I wish I could like you. I write about how I wish you could like me. I write about how I've been hurt, and how I've hurt you. But I will continue to write about you, because it's a total exploration for me. And if you keep reading, you'll learn about me, and you, and why I am the person I am.
Hello coworkers - yes. I write about you. I may seem angry; I may seem unsettled; I may gripe, and wine and complain; I may praise, and gloat, and reflect. But it's all here. And it's all truth. And I'm willing to share it, so please know it comes from a place that defines who I am.
Hello family - yes. I write about you. Sometimes I'm not even sure what I'm writing. Sometimes our relationship doesn't make sense to me. Sometimes I wonder if I can move forward in the right ways, and if I will even ever understand family. But then I remember that today, tomorrow, and forever, you're my best friends - and that means everything.
Hello life - yes. I write about you. And I will never apologize. I will never regret. I will learn. I will understand. And I will move forward.