spoiler alert: i fried these. there. i got it off my chest. i spent so much time (3 minutes) worried that i would be judged, after pledging to myself that i would make 'healthy' (they are stuffed with cream cheese) jalapeno poppers, and bake them, and then pat myself on the back.
and then, after 30 minutes of baking, and no change in colour, with jalapenos still crunchy, i threw in the towel. fried it is.
so sue me.
nevertheless, these were a hit. think,
i can't eat anymore because they are so spicy, but i want to because they are so good, kinda hit. i'll share - right off the bat - some keys to success. or, rather, things to note so you don't end up a messy, burnt disaster. same thing, right?
1. WEAR GLOVES. jeff handed me over a pair of mechanics gloves that made me feel like dexter when i was cutting apart jalepenos. apparently dish gloves work as well. either way, it is NOT worth the burning hands, and accidentally wiping your eye later on. not. worth. it.
2. this recipe is all about prep. have everything ready before you start, because you'll be in gloves, you'll be mixing, you'll be pissed at yourself when you need your garlic chopped by your hands are in gloves covered in jalapeno juices... not that i know from experience or anything (*ahem).
3. play around with the stuffing. personally, i'd like to try a stuffing made from all real ingredients - no more vegan cream cheese products. i'm thinking maybe a soft tofu, or cannellini beans?
4. this. takes. a. long. time. don't get making this half an hour before you want to eat them. the whole process is pretty involved, and goodness knows tryna rush it will likely result in jalapeno in your eye (see a recurring theme here?). just give yourself lotsa time. you CAN make these ahead of time, and then toss them in the freezer once they have been filled, and then just bread and fry when you're ready to eat.
ok. so. let's get down to business. we were over at a friends, and jalapeno poppers were made - the real kind, bacon and all. jeff got all antsy over them, and since i was jealous of everyone eating them, we combined forces to find a vegan recipe that we'd both be happy with. jeff came across
this recipe, and though i wanted to avoid processed 'vegan' products, i figured once couldn't hurt. we made some adjustments, and then headed off into the great jalapeno abyss.
since the filling is the first step, i did my usual 'make sure i have everything' step, and then put everything aside, and focused on the filling. cilantro is my weakness - i love it to death, but am not willing to put up with the stems. sorry stems - you are not invited to my jalapeno parties. or any other parties for that matter. so i take my time, and i pick each leaf off of the plant. i'm sure a more efficient way of doing this is to just chop up the whole plant - but then you get stems. see where i'm going with this? let's not half ass this thing right off the bat. then, while the recipe says to combine with a spoon, i have the muscles of a small (think: 3 year old) child, and decided to class things up by throwing it all in the food processor.
have i mentioned i love garlic? and, unintelligently, i chopped my garlic before it went into the food processor. DUH! food gets CHOPPED in the processor! but, the benefit is that your garlic gets all smooth instead of chunky. so, turns out, good move jamie. the recipe called for 3 cloves, i used 3 (LARGE) cloves. this would probably be excessive, if i was not the garlic queen. literally. ruler of all garlic. so i'd say you're safe to use 2-3 small, 1-2 medium size. it's pretty potent. no vampires. or dates.
once the garlic is chopped, throw it all - garlic, cilantro, container of cream cheese (DIET JALAPENO POPPERS), and other vegan cheese (please note recipe tells me to do this after the food processor, but... i do what i want!), and hit 'on'. not 'pulse'.... 'on'. straight up blending power. when it turns this wonderful glowing green colour, it's ready.
then... are you ready?.... heaven. you could technically stop here if you have no interest in having any actual jalapenos at the end of it all. i may have eaten 2-8 large spoonfuls of the filling prior to moving forward in the recipe production. so there's your warning - these diet jalapeno poppers are dangerous addictions. you will have the most creamy and soft and fluffy and wonderful and heavenly smooth thing that ever graced the walls of that there food processor. i may make this for a spread. once a week.
one you have finished spooning out heaps for yourself, cover this, and then put in the fridge for later... it makes it nice an firm, but it also helps combine the flavours (things i've learned from watching
diners, drive ins, and dives - thanks guy!).
then, you're ready to become a jalapeno pepper murderer. get out your gloves, and very sharp knife, and make sure no evidence is left behind. though there are a ton of instructions on the internet about the best way to core a jalapeno (most of which are likely WAY more correct than this), i like the easy way. not the fancy way, not the aesthetically pleasing way - the way that works, and allows me to eat my food faster. so here it is. chop the top off of the pepper, and then cut a slit down the side. all the way from where you just cut the top off, to the bottom of the pepper. again, there's probably a much classier and prettier way to do it, but who cares. this works.
then, stuff your fingers inside, and separate the insides, from the sides of the pepper. it may take a little bang after cleaning it out, just to get all the seeds out, but that's ok. no need to be gentle. i also rinsed my peppers afterwards (gloves still on!) just to make sure it was all good in the hood - ready for heaven.
(this is where you could also blanch your peppers - if you are baking, this is likely the best option).
then, fill. again, there are probably better ways to do this. perhaps fill a ziploc with your stuffing, cut a corner, and use it at a piping bag to put the stuffing in. that sounds like a much classier way to do things. me? i used my fingers, and basically manhandled the cream cheese filling by shoving it into the space in the pepper. it was messy, but i got cream cheese from top to bottom. this is key.
then, we batter. it's a simple milk wash, so you dip into milk, then into flour. then into milk, then into panko. there's the option to do it a third time - i didn't. i was good after two. you may find that when handling the peppers, some of the coating slips off while coating. not to worry - just handle gently, and enough of the goods will stick.
once all peppers are coated twice, you can do what i did, which is put them in the oven for 45 minutes to find they've barely cooked, and aren't crisp at all, or you can just admit defeat, and go straight to the frying pan. heat up your oil - enough to cover the base of your frying pan - and get all ready to fry those suckers up! in a very non-scientific manner, i watched each one until they were golden on one side, and then turned them. let's say it was about 4-5 minutes each of the 4 sides (you want golden allllll the way around, doncha!). careful of spitting oil, and oozing filling. and by be careful, i mean don't go sticking your hand into the frying pan to eat the filling that starts oozing out, because you'll likely get burned on both your hand, and your tongue. not that i know from experience...
if you have a deep fryer, you can heat it to 375, and then fry for about 3-4 minutes.
you'll have soft jalapenos, with filling oozing out. i always recommend two things when frying. 1. use paper towel in a bowl to absorb the leftover oil from frying. if the paper towel is transparent, that's how you know you did a good job. it means lots of oil - and let's be honest. if you're (deep) frying something, may as well go all in, right? and 2. eat slowly. it gets HOT IN HURR. oozing goo tends to go on the hotter side of 'hot as hell' and you'll end up with a burnt mouth for days. and then you won't even be able to taste the deliciousness, and then WHAT'S THE POINT?? anyways. not that i fry much, but those are my tips, for what they're worth.
Recipe adapted from hell yeah it's vegan:
- 15-20 fresh jalapeno peppers
- 8 oz vegan cream cheese (typically 1 container)
- ½ bunch cilantro
- 3 cloves garlic
- (optional) grated vegan cheese
- (optional) vegan bacon bits
- 1 c unsweetened, non-dairy milk of your choice
- 1.5 c flour of your choice
- 2 c panko
- Oil for frying (3 cups for a deep fryer; 1/2 cup for frying pan method)
- In a small bowl, beat together cream cheese, cilantro and garlic. if you have tyrannosaurus rex or weakling arms, OR if you want whipped stuffing like you could imagine heaven would be made of, then use a food processor for this step. If using bacon bits, mix by hand (to not crush).
- Cover, and put in the fridge while you prepare all other ingredients to allow flavours to combine.
- Meanwhile, core the peppers. Using a very sharp knife, cut stem off - then, slice down 1 side of the pepper. then carefully, with gloved hands, use your fingers to separate the seeds and inner membranes of the pepper from the green casing. you should be able to easily separate and clean out all innards. Don’t worry about them opening up a bit and becoming slightly misshapen; the filling will fix this.
- Once all of your peppers are cored and cleaned, use a small spoon or your fingers (if you're classy like me) to fill each pepper casing with cream cheese mixture - make sure to fill all the way to the top. then squeeze the pepper back together, and wipe away excess filling. repeat for all peppers.
- set out 3 bowls: one with vegan milk, one with your choice of flour, and one with panko.
- one at a time, dip peppers in milk, then in flour, then set aside. repeat for all peppers.
- allow peppers to sit for a few minutes, and then dip in milk again, then in panko to coat. repeat for all peppers again. then set aside to dry (again). you have the option to repeat this step again for a third coat (i didn't... and there was plenty of batter).
- heat oil in a pan, and drop a bit of batter to test oil. when hot enough, place each pepper in oil - fry until golden on each side, flipping when one side is finished.
- Serve hot (careful of hot juices and oils!)
and, in keeping with tradition, transparency. this is what a regular jshea cooking workstation looks like, POST breading line up. not pretty (and yet, so tasty). and yes, i did lick that bowl of wonderful stuffing clean once all the peppers were stuffed. and it was worth it.
make, enjoy, experiment, let me know how they are! once i get a real live baking sheet (i know, i know, my life is a joke), i'll try baking them again. i'll probably also try blanching the jalapenos before stuffing next time, as my research (aka. internet googling) shows that this helps in the baking process immensley. let me know how yours turn out - what you changed, kept the same, who you bribed with these delicious morsels.
if britney can make it through paparazzi, bad relationships, head shaving, bad wigs, and - according to this article - lots of venti fraps (which, i personally love. i am one of those people who needs a venti frap. so there), we can make it through this day.
this message that i stumbled upon at the right time.
