the life we wish we could control

sometimes life changes in front of you, and you have literally no control over it. 
when i was in grade 3, my dad was transferred, and we moved from kingston, to the hamilton area, where my family lives now. at the time, it was possibly the worst thing that could have ever happened - though in hindsight, cutting my hair in to a mushroom cut in reaction was likely worse. it impacted how i felt about myself, my friends, and taught me a lot about starting new, leaving people and things behind, and what it meant to be part of a family.
in grade 12, after being what some may call a 'bad kid', i realized a major religious change through a series of events which brought me to the church. the events i had little control over, and i stand by the fact that i had little control over my draw to the church as well - it was something that just had to be done. it figuratively (and likely literally) saved my life, and my personal faith and religion impacts everything i do, on a daily basis.
FAITH Neon Sculpture by Tapp Francke
the year i moved from laurier (where i completed my undergraduate degree) to humber (where i did my post graduate), i lost a dear friend - she passed suddenly in her sleep, days after she turned 18. it was out of my control, and those of us who she had touched were there for one another, but it changed the way we all felt about love, life, family, permanency, the thereafter, and the future.
almost 2 years ago, i broke my back. though i could control my actions and movements, i had no control over the unpredictable outcome of years (a lifetime) of pain, rehabilitation, and the change that it would impose on the life i knew prior to that moment. it changed my self definition, brought me to a mental health struggle i had never experienced before, and taught me plenty about being alone, and reteaching myself skills. it was necessary. a necessary pain, and a devestating alteration to my life - but aside from the physical and mental pain, it was a good thing. never have i learned more about who i am, and what i want.
about a 3 months ago now, i drove an ATV over the side of a mountain in whistler. i haven't told many people, as i still have nightmares about it. i lost control, and on the way down, hit a tree stump - what appeared (after) to be the only tree stump in sight. i walked away with only (relatively) minor cuts and bruises and a cracked rib, and a newly developed fear of heights. i now notice i have trouble driving near road's edges, and find walking on steep paths fill me with extreme anxiety. it left me with sleepless nights, nightmares, and yet it left me with a sense of immediacy and urgency about the life i have left that was much needed - both at the time, and still to this day.
almost a month ago, a friend of mine was in a bicycle accident, and 2 weeks later, passed away. he was a long time friend, and a friend who had varying roles in my life throughout the time we knew one another. his passing was a shock, and it will be something that lives with many of his friends for a long time. it reminded me of friendships come and gone, and those that are valued - and how important it is to revisit those, and be vocal about your love for people in your life.
pete's memorial bike - photo by martin ho 
all of this is to say all of these life changing events (whether serious, or seemingly minor), changed who i was; changed who i am. to cope, i used the skills i built, and those skills were modified heavily by the events that mark the milestones in my life. those skills were made by bad haircuts, losing friends, crashing vehicles, finding a place where i belonged for the first time ever. those skills brought me to here - and when the next moment comes, i will be prepared with a new skill. one newly gained.
as humans, we seem to relinquish credit for our achievements or our personalities to faith; to a higher being; to weaknesses or strengths. we neglect to look back, and take inventory of what has built in us these things - where we acted strong, or weak, poorly, or proudly, and how it made us who we are today.
how WE made us who we are today. 
we often neglect to give credit to the people or things that we encountered that built us up, or broke us down. it is those things that should take credit - those skills we gain in our day-to-day are the skills that get us through. we acknowledge that by driving, we learn how to become better drivers... so why is it that we can't acknowledge that by living, we become better at life?
i've reflected. lots lately. and of course, it's always in light of a major change that reflections come forward. and yet, these reflections are not life-changing... they seem to keep us on track. they remind us of the tool belt we have, the skillset we've built, and remind us that we just need to look down, and start. 
we all need some reflection time - we all need to be reminded every now and then that we're human - and yet, we have the tools we need for this exact moment.

colour boards - white as day

i've always sort of feared white. to me it stood for clothes i could never ever move in (for fear of messing them up), walls that were boring, sofas you couldn't sit on. but then i moved into an entirely white apartment. and it was like waking up. a clean slate.... fresh. and then i thought of all the things that were white, that meant newness - like a fresh snowfall.
it's perfect and beautiful for a short period of time, but if you get to see and experience those perfect moments, they are unlike anything else. 
so white and i are ok now. i'm still hesitant to wear white... but i'll gawk at it from afar.


photo from alex reyto

my (thanksgiving long) weekend in summary

this weekend involved a TON of driving... much more than i anticipated. and while i was completely exhausted when it was all said and done, i got to see family, friends, and lots of different places... so that can't be a bad thing.
trees in ellicottville; jeff and i at the top of the ski hill; american's know how to celebrate the fall - with fried dough; the walk home; being followed by a photographer; truck stop treats (alternatively titled: "a crazy saturday night"); the long trip to peterborough, offset by some milk; hot sauce and cheese sandwiches for jeff; the cottage is a perfect place.
friday: got to fit in a spur of the moment lunch date with my lovely friend art - we ate sushi and chatted about life... as well as reflected on our friend who we miss dearly, for the first time since he left us. then, i left straight after work, and hopped on a go train to burlington. then, hopped in a car, and jeff and i were off to ellicottville. we arrived around 8:30, after a bite to eat at chipotle, and then spent the rest of the night having a couple of drinks (props to spicebox), chatting with parents, and puzzle time. went to bed early after the long week.
saturday: woke up early to have breakfast together - then, after clean up, the 4 of us (jeff, his parents, and i) walked over to the ski hill where they had just opened a new lift. we took a ride to the top and walked around a bit - mostly just to get to the top of the hill. after riding back down (too muddy to walk), we walked back, and changed to be warm enough to wander around the fall festival happening in the downtown. we spent a couple of hours with some kettle corn and lattes, people watching, and perusing the usual knick knacks that fall fairs usually have. then, we walked back along the road home... stopping only briefly for some photo ops (and a good look at the car who had fallen off the side of the road into the ditch). when we arrived home, we had a good nap (we're both ridiculously old, apparently), and then headed out to galeria mall in buffalo for some wandering. spent a couple of hours walking - including drooling over all the new goodies at the apple store - and then had some dinner before heading back. we stopped for a vital pickup of necessities on the way home - beer, coke (for spicebox), snacks, and a coffee (for jeff). then, spent the rest of the night watching sons of anarchy, dexter and drinking beer and spicebox.
sunday: woke up early (ish), and made a quick breakfast before leaving town for the long drive to peterborough (not before stopping to pick up a tofurkey along the way). the drive home included (but was not limited to): homemade cheese sandwiches, border stops: "you're not trying very hard, are you?", carpool lanes, and many many many leg stretches. we arrived in peterborough for my family dinner, just in time to throw the tofurkey in the (microwave) oven, and catching up with the family. we had a HUGE meal (typical), and sat around until about 9 when my dad, sister, jeff and i ventured back to the cottage for some beer, a movie, and general wool sock relaxation.
monday: woke up early (again) and after a breakfast of peameal sandwiches (for all but me), we cleaned a few things up, packed and organized, and started back on the road to get back for jeff's family dinner. made it home in time for a shower, a 15 minute nap, and then back out for dinner. it was a full house, and we had a huge dinner around the table - nice to have everyone at 1 table! left after dinner and thank you's and headed home for some relaxing tv and photoshop-ping before bed.
the weekend was hurried and exhausting. but i'm lucky to be close enough to everyone that i can make the trip.
what are you thankful for?

be thankful

this weekend is about giving thanks... for everything we have around us.
this weekend i'm going to head out for a mini road trip (because unfortunately due to restraints, i can't get up north to where i'd like to be with my family), and then heading to my dad's family for dinner... and maybe a night at the cottage (finger's crossed!). then, possibly getting a second dinner in on the monday.
my thoughts go to those who are spending this holiday without someone for the first time. be thankful! you never know what could change tomorrow.
AND mariah has provide the PERFECT menu for those of you ready to prep for a cleanse (aka. me). i'll be eating tofurkey... cause i can.
vegan garden loaf... uh. duh.
i hope the weather is beautiful for everyone - get out for a walk amongst the leaves!! happy long weekend (or not... if you're in the US).
**edit** my dear friend erica totally latched onto this vegan loaf goodness, and made it for her thanksgiving feast... and said it was TO DIE FOR. i'm totally making this for Christmas.