fuzzy trees and chocolate factories.

today i went for a long walk. i needed some sort of outdoor time, and set out with the sole mission of finding a coffee shop who also potentially made bubble tea (i know - crazy requests). it wasn't much, and often when i set out on these missions, i know in my gut it's simply a reason to go.

i walked in a circle. a giant loop of a busy street. i stopped into a chocolate factory, and peered into the windows of old offices that reminded me of my dad's in the 90's. i picked flowers (and then ran when i was caught), and i took some photos with a camera that hadn't seen the light of day in a long while. i stopped into places i had been curious about, and i took moments to stare. 

for those of you who know vancouver, you will also know there are these huge, beautiful trees in the forest. they have unending spiralling limbs that reach out to the sky... and often in all other directions. they are strangely beautiful in that way... but best of all, they are covered in what appears to be fuzz. a warm, full sweater of green coziness. and they never fail to remind me of dr. suess. 

they are mystical trees that belong in children's books, and everytime i come upon one i feel as though i've been transported to some other world - one where everyone's verbiage rhymes, creatures are interested in fun and community, and everything is fuzzy and beautiful. and while i always stop to admire (and try to capture in photographs) how these trees make me feel, i rarely just bask in what pulls my heart to them. 

today, i stopped. i stood outside the chocolate factory, and stared at their enormous fuzzy tree, and reflected on how that alone made me feel like i was in a rohld dahl novel. why had i never tried to touch how fuzzy those trees were? why have i never ever imagined the mythical creatures who likely make a home in that tree? why have i never ever noticed that climbing that tree would be WAY more comfortable and cozy than the trees i climbed as a child? (i know, i know. this is getting weird). 

that is all to say, had i stopped at my true destination - a small cafe near my house who sells bubble tea and has free internet and functions as a perfect space for writing and being 'alone' - i would have never stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and stared up at the fuzzy tree outside the chocolate factory for 3 minutes straight. and i never would have let myself escape to those places that my mind so (obviously) desperately needed. 

i can't just walk. i need a destination. and i know that reflects heavily as a small microcosm of how i live my life. i've always needed an end. a goal or a meaningful moment at the end of the tunnel. so then, what would happen were i to let myself meander? would i find fuzzy trees outside of chocolate factories, and have moments in my own timeline where i could share the craziness inside my head when i actually allow myself to just be?

i had a conversation with a dear friend of mine today - he shared his plans for his new life adventure. he left his job, his wife asked for a leave of absence, and they are embarking on a journey of what it would look like if they truly allowed themselves to just 'be'. they are travelling across the country, with a tent, and eachother. he asked me what it was like when i did it... and it occurred to me that i didn't even remember. i remembered the end goal of the journey - the day i was proudly able to pronounce a job, a home, a meaning to my new adventure. what i struggled with was sharing the details and the feelings of the trip to arrive at that point in time. 

remember to meander. to allow yourself to just be. to enjoy what is there, when it is there, and when you perhaps (or more likely even) least expect it. while we hear this in overwhelming regularity, it's days like this when i reminded by my own subconscious that those people - the advice givers, and quote makers, and life pushers - they were all right. there will be days when i forget to 'smell the roses'. 

and then, there will be days when i stop and stare.

a year of mountains.

it's been a year today since i arrived in vancouver.

stopped the car, unpacked, and smiled about the idea of nothingness (and everything-ness) in my future. 

and now, a year later, the future has been filled with lots of everything. happiness and sadness both. tears and smiles and laughter and trips and memories that i neither regret making, nor could live without - as i always know there's more coming. always more. 

i received an email today from an old friend. one who i thought had slipped away. and it brought me right back - back to where i needed to be. reminded that the past created who i am, and the future can be determined by it. and while there is so much tied to letting go, i am fond of the idea of embracing and erusing the past. it's part of me, and i won't let go of it. 

and so, i move forward. and i imagine what the next year will be like. and i reinvest in things of the past, and i prepare myself for the things ahead of me. 

and one way or another, i will conitinue to look at a face in the mirror that belongs to me. each day. 

a year brings a lot. to another year. 

to a new year for all of us

because it's a tradition. and because goals are what motivate us to be better people. and because this year is an important one to me, in my continued quest to better myself, and my lifestyle. 
so what will i do this year, to better myself? commitments to myself, above all others, first and foremost:

1. i will ask people what their preferred way of communicating and staying in touch is. i hate the phone. i'm not good with skype. i'm horrendous with any form of speaking communication (except coffee/drink dates - i'm EXCEPTIONALLY good at those). i promised myself i would stop promising, and setting up phone dates with people, only to let them (and myself) down. this year, i'll communicate in a way that works best for both parties... email, text messaging, coffee dates, postcard, whatever.
2. i will commit to continuing my quest for creative time to myself. ideally, i'd like to finish up my overall website (lofty goals), but if all it means is getting photography done, and a solid lineup for my etsy store, i'll be happy!
3. 3 more stores in 2013. i am determined to do more in store sales this year. 
4. write more for me - not necessarily for this blog, but for myself. i noticed by the end of this past year (2012) i was losing my steam. i am 98% positive that this was related to the energy spent on other people in the last parts of november and december... which isn't a bad thing. it just meant that i didn't spend the time on me that i needed. since i love writing, and it makes me calm, relaxed, and all the things i need to be more of, i commit to spending more time writing. even if it's just words that come to me on a tuesday afternoon, in my moleskine. just more words. 

i'm keeping it lite this year - native shoes has inspired me. 

and, because no one does it better, i'll take a cue (or 18) from nora ephron. 

via

people have only one way to be  //  buy, don't rent  //  never marry a man you wouldn't want to be divorced from  //  don't cover a couch with anything that isn't more or less beige  //  don't buy anything that is 100 per cent wool even if it seems to be very soft and not particularly itchy when you try it on in the store  //  you can't be friends with people who call after 11 p.m.  //  block everyone on your instant mail  //  the world's greatest babysitter burns out after two and a half years  //  you never know  //  the last four years of psychoanalysis are a waste of money  //  the plane is not going to crash  //  anything you think is wrong with your body at the age of 35 you will be nostalgic for at the age of 45  //  at the age of 55 you will get a saggy roll just above your waist even if you are painfully thin  //  this saggy roll just above your waist will be especially visible from the back and will force you to re-evaluate half the clothes in your closet, especially the white shirts  //  write everything down  //  keep a journal  //  take more pictures  //  the empty nest is underrated  //  you can order more than one dessert  //  you can't own too many black turtleneck sweaters  //  if the shoe doesn't fit in the shoe store, it's never going to fit  //  when your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you  //  back up your files  //  overinsure everything  //  whenever someone says the words, "our friendship is more important than this," watch out, because it almost never is  //  there's no point in making piecrust from scratch  //  the reason you're waking up in the middle of the night is the second glass of wine  //  the minute you decide to get divorced, go see a lawyer and file the papers  //  overtip  //  never let them know  //  if only one-third of your clothes are mistakes, you're ahead of the game  //  if friends ask you to be their child's guardian in case they die in a plane crash, you can say no  //  there are no secrets 

(abridged from I Feel Bad About My Neck and other thoughts on being a woman, by Nora Ephron)