reasons i write my blog #1

so. it's important to me to revisit time to time, why i write this blog. why i started, why i continue, and why i don't just stop.
life has been crazy... no. that's an understatement. life has been so up in the air, shooting stars in a meteor shower, can't sleep, can't eat, making, creating, losing, laughing, talking, thinking, barely thinking, interning, writing.... ah. it's been over the fence enjoyable, but crazy.

image from weheartit.com/

so a couple of nights ago, i had a thought - should i put my blog on hold for a bit? figure my life out, and all that's going on, in order to refocus? maybe i should hold the blog, and focus on making jewelry (and marketing re:claim and thackeray's vanity); focus on the art/jewelry show i coordinated in December, and the ones I'd like to coordinate this year; the internship, and what i was able to gain from that; focus on the job i was offered part time, and what that could mean for a future in silversmithing; focus on my website with alex, and the future we both see, but haven't had time to focus on; think about my friendships, my financial situation, and all of the things that are important to me; focus on making my 9-5 job more enjoyable, and ONLY a 9-5. should i focus on all of these things, and just hold the blog aspect of life for a moment in time?
i also received a tweet from a stranger a couple of weeks ago, who noted, "[...] also it's spelled 'inconsistency'. #justtryingtohelp". it made me step back. i had to remind myself that some people don't get it. he's not a consistant (oh boy) reader. he doesn't realize that i spelt 'inconsistancy' with irony in mind. and in putting your true self out there on the internet, you get the people going. people who you feel like you have to explain yourself to. when in reality, there's no reason for it.

from Marta Writes pinterest

so, it occurred to me. one of the things i enjoy the most in my day to day life - over and above ALL of those things - is my blog. i enjoy engaging with my friends, and complete strangers. i enjoy what i get to share, and i enjoy it as my source of therapy. and i am protective, and proud, and in love with it.
and the odd time, i get a message from a friend. a message that says to me 'you need to keep writing. if for no other reason, than you get to reach out to people who you care about'.
so. thus begins my reminder to myself, as well as a compilation of tributes to the wonderful friends i have. and the wonderful reasons i have to write my blog.
the first is from steph. she is one of my dearest friends - a friend who constantly reaffirms the truth to me, even if i don't want to hear it. she's one of my biggest supporters, and she does so by being honest and just. and everything that comes out of her mouth, i trust in all of it's validity. she renewed me last year when i needed it. big time... and she had no idea....
"dear jamie,
so today you came into my life in two ways...and you didn't even know it. [.......] I find it important (or maybe its that I have been told so many times) to google oneself. I do it every six months or so. today I decided to explore and go beyond the first few pages on google because we all know [SM] is not a common name. on the third page there was a comment i made on a blog in April of 2009....about having a hippy wedding. your blog to be exact. I proceeded to ignore my family for the next few hours and read every entry since then. there are so many thoughts going on in my head I feel like I should shut the door on the thoughts, leave for a bit, have a drink and then return. however I know that many of them will escape throughout the night and maybe will not have as much meaning as originally intended.
after reading almost two years of entries I realized how much I didn't know about you anymore. I didn't know you and greig broke up, that you moved, lived on couches, fell into like and so much more. but more importantly, i was once again in awe (honestly) of what an amazing woman you are. not only have given me 20 plus new websites to stalk, but you live. you really really live. reading your life...made me realize how much I am wasting mine... maybe not wasting but not fully appreciating, living, exploring and discovering with the time and opportunities I have. does that make sense? at the beginning of my reading I began to wonder why you were ever my friend.... i love meat, i don't have the same passions like you (I wish I did but I don't), you appreciate life to such an extent and live it with all your senses. but, as I kept reading I realized why we had begun to be friends... we live to eat....the tastes textures, cultures, people that make up food is all so intoxicating. we are both in different ways romantics (don't you dare deny it) and love to be different in our own way... may it be with a funky headband or a really cool card. we both have our embarassing loves...yours might be chuck but if I could dress like serena....and have her hair just for a day.... the appreciation for the written word may be the biggest one for me (other then the exploring piece) someday Jamie you have to promise me you'll go to Pairs and go to Shakespeare and company. It is our heaven.
after reading the last entry posted yesterday I believe I think I came to the hardest realization (and this is more for me than for you) - I have a life without you in it and it's fine. it's a pretty good life there are some things I wish for, things I could do more and things that I am blessed to have. nevertheless even though it's fine doesn't mean for me it's ok. It's stupid to say this but reading your blog made me realize how much I missed having you in my life (and if you don't feel the same way that is totally fine and if this creeps you out I'm sorry). I miss my friend that I could gossip about dreamy boys over like A and J, the friend that would drool over indian food with me and that friend that I know I could really laugh with. So I won't fill this email with the loaded questions of how are you blah blah blah even though I really do care about that kind of stuff.
I guess the point of the story is that I know we both have enough friends but I would like you to be one of mine again...does that even make any sense? Now I know the whole living across the ocean is quite hard but I hope (fingers crossed) I will be in Toronto by the summer with a fabulous new job and a unique funky apartment for me to make home. If that so happens I would love to have someone show me the city, really show me the city and share a cup of tea with me. If you're up for it let me know. If your life is full enough that is fine as well.
I guess i just want you to know if we never see eachother again...which i really hope its not the case, you have brought so much to my life and I really appreciate you and the person you are. I have the upmost respect and love for you. I am a full circle kind of person and so I think that since you have given me so much I can only return the favour. If you know of all this stuff then I apologize...
Anyways if you've made it this far I'm impressed. I just knew I had to write you to let you know that even after all these years you still mean a lot to me.
Happy Holidays Jamie,
Lots of Liaison building love, S"
that is a friend. and i am lucky to have multiple friends like this.
so thank you friends. for reading. for caring. i will continue to write. and you can continue to read. and i'll build a thick skin, for those people who hate me. but for those who love me - i will try to continue to write for your entertainment.

my weekend in summary

this was a long weekend for me. friday off work. monday off work. 16+ hours of driving. funeral. lots going on.

my cousin the skateboarder; photo walk in the beautiful weather up north; tie dying tshirts for the family (my uncle was obsessed with tie dye); sometimes, one just needs to read, with wine, by the fireplace; the family in tie dye at the funeral reception; one of the tables with some of my uncle’s favourite things – the soo greyhounds (with signed jersey), tie dye, and his family; his sports awards and newspaper clippings; my aunt and her 2 grandkids – my 2^nd cousins; my sister, the bad influence – forcefeeding cookies to our 2^nd cousin; buddy the dog, attempting to escape for nibs; the two little ones cuddling in tie dye; the sunset on the evening of my uncle’s funeral (a last goodbye); a quick stop at a residential school in Spanish, on our way home (we are history nerds).
friday: i was home sick, sleeping until 4pm. i woke up to all of the lymph nodes on the entire right side of my body swollen. it was NOT a pretty sight (ohhhh the life of someone with an immune disorder). so i called in sick to work, and slept. literally all day. i then met my dad and we began our trek up north, for my uncle’s funeral. We drove until Sudbury, and stopped for the night. Our hotel room stay involved sports highlights, ‘diners drive ins and dive’s’, chips, and beer. Typical shea night.
Saturday: woke up early, and headed out. Drove direct to my aunt’s place (with a quick stop for homemade samosa’s so I – the vegan – had something to eat at the funeral), and landed before noon. My sister had arrived from teacher’s college the night before, so finally ‘reunited’ with her after a long stretch of not seeing her.
To be honest, the rest of the weekend was a blur – involving lots of planning, tie dying shirts, lots of time spent with cousins, walks in the beautiful weather, playing with the dogs, and catching up. Showing my dad and uncle youtube, laughing a lot, catching up with my cousin’s and sister. And spending time with my mom (who was hurting), and the rest of the fam. My uncle took me out to feed the cows, so I could take photos on their beautiful farm (via 35 mm… yet to be developed), and lots of time spent reading. The funeral was Sunday (so I guess I can shift to…)
Sunday: woke up, got dressed, and headed to the funeral home. spent some time visiting with relatives, and remembering my uncle. I can honestly say – despite the overall sadness of one’s passing – his funeral was the best I’ve ever been to. 2 wonderful eulogy’s, given by my uncle, and his case worker of 17 years; a wonderful presences that can only be obtained by people with the most innate compassion I’ve ever met (most of his friends also have downs syndrome); a family who understands the joy in a love filled life, of which my uncle’s certainly was. After the funeral, we went back to my aunt’s house. Ate. Talked. Laughed. Then my cousins, and sister and I went to see silent house (which was not what I expected, but really good), and then headed home to sleep.
Monday: (had the day off work to drive) woke up, did a quick stop and goodbye to my 2 aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. and headed on the road. Spent the day driving, and then when I was dropped off at home, did laundry, watched sons of anarchy, and sat in my fort (that was constructed Thursday night with the assistance of a friend). Went to bed early, as I was exhausted.
It was a good weekend. a whirlwind, but I wouldn’t have missed it for anything.

the wonderful thing about someone passing, is it gives you the oppourtunity to reflect on a person, and your experiences. and look at photos. oh the photos. my uncle, and my sister K and i; my uncle when i was not even a year old; my mom and uncle in the 80's. amazing. hair. mom.

f this s

welp......

sorry. i had to.
i'm leaving right after work to head up north to celebrate the life of an uber important man to me - my uncle. his funeral and visitation (filled with tie dyed tshirts - which he LOVED) are this weekend, so it'll be a long weekend for me.
have a great weekend everyone!

rings. for moi.

i'm looking intently for a few thin rings - stackable or non.... just looking for something to spread out on my fingers. i love the simplicity. the delicacy. so i've been scouring all the sites i know of. the ones at the top of the list?

the pia ring from palomarie

custom initial ring from pale fish NY

silver heart ring from punky bunny

barely there ring from terra stratum

beautiful rings by mociun - square ring  //  stacked sapphire ring  //  double triangle ring

i will most likely end up with at least a few of these... and in the meantime (while waiting for etsy to ship to me) i'm going to research silversmithing classes.... perhaps make a few of my own.

vodka and the things it does

not sure how i stumbled upon this... i believe through searching for the website for 'cocktail bar' for my weekend in summary post... but listen. this is hilarious.
"But it’s not fair to compare a silly, boring drink like a vodka martini to a flavour bomb like The Manhattan. Even worse is the dirty vodka martini. If your desperation for flavour has you drinking olive brine, just drink gin. Please. Gin is vodka’s smarter, classier, more worldly older sister. Vodka wants to go clubbing and hook up with Johnny Redbull, that hot guy she met last week (who’s not actually that hot and wears too much cologne). Gin wants to have dinner, a little wine and really talk about stuff, like politics and indie rock."
i think i'm in love with her.

as a vodka drinker, i even agree. i have not yet refined my taste for alcohol, and as such, i like vodka. who likes vodka?? it's disgusting. everyone's had a bad experience. i... like it. i can't explain why - maybe it's a comfort thing - but i like it.
(and yes. i AM that person who loooooovessssss a dirty martini. love love love)
when i first started drinking - far too early in my life - i started with the young person things. peach schnapps (i think perhaps my first drink every), coolers, and all those fruity beverages that you drink when you're choking down your first, second, third and fourth alcoholic beverage. then, i realized if i drank hard liquor, mixed with juice or pop, or liquid of my choosing, I could customize the flavor of the beverage I was consuming. Thus began my love affair with vodka – in grade 8. I was in love. and I was a hot shot. While other girls my age were drinking vex coolers, I was chugging 26ers of Smirnoff. In hindsight, I’m disgusted – but in grade 8, I was a queen.

This is not an entry about my eventual decline into drinking, and my subsequent cleaning up by grade 11 (oh my sordid past), but instead about my love hate relationship with vodka. I don’t know many who love it the way I do. It set up a home in my heart, and let me know it was planning on staying for awhile. And when people ask what my ‘drink’ is, I say vodka. Always vodka. It’s that memory of my first drink. And there’s something about an old friend, that makes you keep coming back. When you ask people, most steer clear of vodka – they’ve had a miserable experience in first year, in grade 12, at a bar, and have never looked back. I, on the other hand, spent so much time with vodka, I can control my personality, and never spiral out of control. it provides me with a venue to casually enjoy a drink, two drinks, three drinks, while maintaining a clarity that I do not have with other forms of alcohol. There is some comfort in enjoying something so reminiscent – so nostalgic – without falling prey to the things most people do.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t believe I was ever an alcoholic - I am in no way condoning excessive drinking, or even the idea of a young person drinking. I also am not the type of person who believes one needs alcohol to have a good time. I am a large proponent of time spent with friends – and alone – without the influence of alcohol. My fondness for vodka comes from what I understand to be a relationship with something that gives me comfort. And it is the control I have over it that continues my love for it.
With ALL of that being said, I am aware of the implications that drinking vodka brings along with it. People see vodka as a bar drink – a ‘drink until I can dance’ drink. And as such, drinking vodka brings a certain stereotype that is a challenge to evade. Thus…. my exploration, and excuses for exploration into otther forms of alcohol - letting go of my comfort level.
i am most likely attending a wedding in india in the fall, and was told i needed to learn to drink whiskey, as they are very into it there. as such, i've enlisted my friendly bar owners and managers to get me into it. teach me the ways.... aka. teach me how to drink it without wanting to vomit into my glass after every sip.
i have to say, i'm getting there... i was able to drink zubrowka (bison grass vodka) in a glass, with ice, ALL BY ITSELF!

yes. i know. it's delicious actually. so i guess now, it's time to move onto the big girl drinks.
scotch, gin (which i have to admit, i do love in a gin and tonic... *drool), bourbon (which i drank on saturday at cockail bar). the list goes on.
teach me your ways oh wise one! anyone have any suggestions?

images from ffffound.com  //  wordboner  //  zubrowka