my weekend in summary

I played it pretty calm this weekend… which was a much needed break for my body.
a little craft and paint; my mexican madness friend and our first ever pinata; work friend jill, and i (and the cane/pinata stick); jeff (jill's husband), jill, and jen (jill and jen from work), outside while attempting to localize the madness; sparklers; dave
Friday: after a week of house-sitting for Kelly, I went to her place for some last minute tidy, and to pick up some of my stuff. i then headed back home to clean and get ready to go out to TIFF. My friend picked me up, and we drove downtown for some coffee, and then got in line for our movie. Went to see “Brooklyn Brothers Beat the Best”…. And encountered the same atmospheric molecules as THE Andrew McCarthy. Also got to see THE Michael Weston (love him), shooter mcgavin (who cares what his real name is), and a few other no name actors (slap me on the wrist if they aren’t no namers). Since I’m the TIFF goer who barely knows the name of a movie before she shows up, I was pretty pleased with the outcome. I’ll write a ‘review’ (who am I kidding – I am not a critic)… find a real one here. then, drove home, and ventured to ‘red light’ on dundas for a drink. bumped into some friend’s friends on the way home… and didn’t get to bed until about 3:30.
Saturday: slept the day away, and literally spent the entire day alone – painted, made some long overdue bracelets that I’ve been looking at for over a month, stamped up some thackeray’s vanity tags, and then finished while drinking beer with my landlord. Him and I decided we needed to avoid making bad decisions, so we would stay within the vicinity of the house, and that way we would only make bad decisions together. That turned around quickly, when my landlords friends invited him out (and I wasn’t allowed to come, since he didn’t want to bring me within 10 feet of his woman hungry friends). I picked up pizza from pizzeria libretto (still upset that my waiter crush likes men.... *sigh), and brought it to kelly’s place to welcome them home, and dropped him off along the way. Sat with Kelly and her manfriend Tyler, ate pizza, watched Jackass 3D (rest in peace ryan dunn), and talked about their vacation. For the record… I also love bam margera. He’s my boyfriend. I then went home, and fought all urges to visit the various places I was invited, and instead got into bed at 11:30, and watched city of men.
Sunday: woke up late (again), and went to run errands before my friend picked me up for Mexican Madness. He came to get me, and we procured a piñata, the food for the evening, and then met some other friends at his place. Mexican Madness was a huge success – bigger than ever! Ended up walking home around 11pm, and got to bed a little later than I should have, but not before making plans for the week with a friend, and solidly booking the entire week…. Again. Oops.
Hope everyone had a great weekend!

things that are awesome.... #442 Figuring out how we got on this topic

(from 1000 awesome things)
"Do you ever find yourself chatting with friends when someone suddenly says “Hey, how did we start talking about this?”
That’s when you find yourself quickly unwinding your off-the-rails conversation by jumping backwards through scattered anecdotes and interconnected stories. As you unravel the jumbly mystery you’re suddenly a speedy detective racing back through the universe at warp speed to tighten a couple screws so your tightly twisted brain can relax back into a world that makes sense again."
image from http://weheartit.com/entry/14081923
as someone with adhd, this happens a lot... finding myself at a point in the conversation where i can't turn back. this is where friends with a 'normal' thought pattern come in handy - to bring me back to the touch point.

a year gone by

It’s amazing what changes in a year.
I got into my car this morning, and thought, ‘this time last year, I had cried 4 times already’.
And that was pre-back break, car accident, car being broken into, tax issues, etc. I had no idea that things could get worse – and bear with me, as this will NOT be a blog entry on how horrible my life is, and has been for the past year – and that things would only continuously show me that there is always worse.
I have always been a pretty private person. Sure – I’ve never been hesitant to share details on conversations, dates, fights, etc. But when it came down to it, those things like feelings, fears, hesitations, and so on, I’ve never really been able to be truly transparent about those. So much so, that even though I use this blog as a form of written (honest) therapy, I’ve never really delved that deeply into the things that keep me awake at night: my health issues and how deep they truly go; my fear of the future, and what it brings – or may never bring; my insecurities of friendships; the list goes on.
These fears, thoughts, and motivations are the things that made me who I am today. I can honestly say I was a different person a year ago – which I’m sure a lot of people can recognize about themselves as well. The things that happen to us all on a daily basis are what build our character, and reveal to us things we may not want to know, or admit. And every crack in the sidewalk leads to something – the broken back; the test results that have dictated my future; the failed ‘relationships’ (both romantic and friendly); the financial trouble; the car accident, and subsequent injuries; the family issues, both heartbreaking and angering; the illnesses of others and the helplessness that brings; and everything else along the way. These are all oppourtunities to see further into those personality traits that help us learn a little more about ourselves.
This was me last year – in New York City (Central Park to be exact), at the Alice in Wonderland statue. The ironic thing about this photo is the timing – I was going to find out some serious test results (health related) on the 7th, which was the Monday (or Tuesday?) I was to be returning from NYC. I had also just had my heart broken, and was so torn up inside, that all my friends knew I may never be the same – I may never feel those things again. I was also battling my back pain, which – as it turned out – were the first warning signs of my degenerative disc… signs that I was ignoring, though I couldn’t walk without a limp. As such, I spent the entire weekend – though happy to be with an amazing friend, who put up with my attitude all weekend – disheartened. I didn’t complain, I didn’t mope. I tried to spend the weekend focusing on what was in my line of vision right then and there – friendship, the oppourtunity to travel, the joy of NYC as a whole. However, it was challenging in those moments where I had a minute to sit and think, to not break down. The unknown can be a scary thing, and I was being thrust right into the belly of it.
This photo – me smiling amongst the children – makes my heart beat fast. The dichotomy of their youth, energy, health, happiness, and naivity, against my aged, listless, anxious, and cynical mind. 
photo by the ever talented alex reyto
Now this year – I compare. I compare the look on my face with the exhaustion I can see.
I’ve learned about myself. In ways that I am shocked to know, and in ways I don’t want to know. I learned I’m not as brave as I thought; I learned my strength is physical, but I am mentally weak; I learned that my emotional investment in others may be my detriment – friends, family, and those who I barely know… and that I need to care more about whether I like me, than whether my friends like me; I’ve learned that life is short – too short sometimes – and that even though that’s been proven true to me, I’m still not sure I have the courage to embrace that, and live as though tomorrow is the last day.
But I can also say I’ve learned some pleasantly surprising things about myself as well… I can build my own confidence; I can read, watch, eat, what I want, and be free from care; I can recover from some things – and I can acknowledge and embrace things I cannot recover from; I have amassed a fantastic group of friends, and a great relationship with family that I am very proud of; I can be myself, and at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.
“Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson from his “Self Reliance” Essay
We seem to use our milestones (birthdays, new years, holidays, etc.) to measure progress – where were we last year, what have we accomplished, who we had and still have in our lives, and all of those things that remind us we’re alive, and progressing. Developing, and being challenged. Building a life that we could honourably leave at any minute, and have people review, contemplate, dissect… and be ok with.
I recently read an article, written by Dudley Clendinen in the New York Times – titled, “The Good Short Life”. I would encourage, and even ask, that you all read it in its entirety. But, if nothing else, then absorb this:
“We obsess in this country about how to eat and dress and drink, about finding a job and a mate. About having sex and children. About how to live. But we don’t talk about how to die. We act as if facing death weren’t one of life’s greatest, most absorbing thrills and challenges. Believe me, it is. This is not dull. But we have to be able to see doctors and machines, medical and insurance systems, family and friends and religions as informative — not governing — in order to be free. And that’s the point. This is not about one particular disease or even about Death. It’s about Life, when you know there’s not much left. That is the weird blessing of Lou. There is no escape, and nothing much to do. It’s liberating.“
This last year has been one of turmoil – of blessings, and stumbles. It’s been full of tears, laughter; the rebuilding and destruction of relationships; It’s been exhausting, and freeing; it’s been enriching, and deflating. Above all else… it’s been a year. One more year that I have filled with all of these things – experiences, moments, memories – and can consider a triumph. and while these thoughts seem depressing, negative, cynical, they are truly positive ones - that once we accept that our path has an end we can truly work on the importance, relevance, and enjoyment of the milestones. And I can attest – once we learn not to obsess about our daily motions of eating, dressing, drinking, dating, working, procreating, and the like, we can truly live. We can look at the end, and work backwards – and become free in life’s finite moments.

my weekend in summary (late. again)

my little miss mary d, after a night of dancing; munchkin #3, eating an apple, and hanging with auntie jamie; munchkin #2 and #1 in their costumes... bumble bee and unicorn; munchkin #1 showing me her wings; my 3rd little niece, who is 7 months today!; the little hatted wonder; ribfest at the neighbours.
Friday: met up with Mary and Reuben after work, and after a long excruciatingly painful drive back to the west end (as they were staying in the east end), I packed quickly, and we hopped into a cab. We went and put our name on the list at pizzeria libretto,
and had a drink at reposado. Once they called, we headed back to pizzeria libretto, and had pizza, some zucchini fritters, a bottle of wine, and an ample amount of embarrassment on my part – thanks to Reuben (so what – I like guys who end up being gay??). we then went over to the hotel/apartment suites that Reuben and Mary were staying at, and got ready for the bar. Went over to dolce, where we danced, and met up with another of Reuben and Mary’s friends. It was a slow start, but by the end of the night, Mary and I were the only 2 on the dance floor, with the DJ enjoying our shout outs to his mixes. Went back to their hotel, and after a failed attempt at a post party, we just settled in at their place, and talked until about 6:30 am. I love good friends. I took a cab home, so I could sleep in my own bed, after saying buy to my two lovelies.
Saturday: woke up after very little sleep, and packed for the weekend. Then headed straight to my friend Stacie and Nathan’s place, to visit with them and their munchkins – my little nieces and nephew… with another on the way! Stacie is 3 weeks away from her due date, so I wanted to fit a visit in before things got even more hectic for her… spent the afternoon with all 5 of them, AND a special guest – Lindsay, who is a friend of mine from elementary school as well. The three of us (Stacie, Lindsay and I) had a child free dinner, before saying goodbye to the munchkins, and heading to Chantel’s for her birthday. After picking up some goodies (including flowers for the birthday girl), I went over to her place, where we hung out for a bit, watched some football, and then took off for the bar. Had a 5 person dance fest at the London tap house all night, and avoided a near fight. Night also included free bottle of champagne, and free appetizers! Amazing! Slept at Chantel and Ryan’s place, on their guest bed (couch).
Sunday: slept in, as the baby was at Ryan’s parent’s place… had some breakfast, rehashed the night, and then went with Chantel to 1. Get the baby, 2. Pick up her friend who left her car at their place, and 3. Pick up a baby sled. Felt VERY productive by 2:00pm. Played with my little niece before she went down for her nap, and then headed to dinner with my friend Jamie. Dinner turned into me convincing her to come to Toronto for the night… so we planned to meet back at my parent’s place. Got to spend some time with them, as our neighbor was having a rib fest, before heading out with Jamie for Toronto… lots of talking, wine, and a fairly early night, all things considered – including calculated text messages like we were in high school.
Monday: woke up with Jamie, before she left for the day, and then went back to bed (I’m not afraid to admit it!)… when I finally woke up (around 2:30) I took transit home, and organized myself for the week. I’m looking after Kelly’s plants/apt for the week, so I will be back and forth – wanted to make sure I was prepared! Then went over to my friend’s place for a bbq, and watched ‘eastbound and down’ for about 4 hours. Just sitting on the sofa. It was a good use of a holiday Monday.
Hope everyone thoroughly enjoyed their long weekend! I’m gearing up for a busy week/weekend in the city… enjoying the last few days of ‘summer’… and my favourite – fall!