It’s amazing what changes in a year.
I got into my car this morning, and thought, ‘this time last year, I had cried 4 times already’.
And that was pre-back break, car accident, car being broken into, tax issues, etc. I had no idea that things could get worse – and bear with me, as this will NOT be a blog entry on how horrible my life is, and has been for the past year – and that things would only continuously show me that there is always worse.
I have always been a pretty private person. Sure – I’ve never been hesitant to share details on conversations, dates, fights, etc. But when it came down to it, those things like feelings, fears, hesitations, and so on, I’ve never really been able to be truly transparent about those. So much so, that even though I use this blog as a form of written (honest) therapy, I’ve never really delved that deeply into the things that keep me awake at night: my health issues and how deep they truly go; my fear of the future, and what it brings – or may never bring; my insecurities of friendships; the list goes on. These fears, thoughts, and motivations are the things that made me who I am today. I can honestly say I was a different person a year ago – which I’m sure a lot of people can recognize about themselves as well. The things that happen to us all on a daily basis are what build our character, and reveal to us things we may not want to know, or admit. And every crack in the sidewalk leads to something – the broken back; the test results that have dictated my future; the failed ‘relationships’ (both romantic and friendly); the financial trouble; the car accident, and subsequent injuries; the family issues, both heartbreaking and angering; the illnesses of others and the helplessness that brings; and everything else along the way. These are all oppourtunities to see further into those personality traits that help us learn a little more about ourselves.
This was me last year – in New York City (Central Park to be exact), at the Alice in Wonderland statue. The ironic thing about this photo is the timing – I was going to find out some serious test results (health related) on the 7th, which was the Monday (or Tuesday?) I was to be returning from NYC. I had also just had my heart broken, and was so torn up inside, that all my friends knew I may never be the same – I may never feel those things again. I was also battling my back pain, which – as it turned out – were the first warning signs of my degenerative disc… signs that I was ignoring, though I couldn’t walk without a limp. As such, I spent the entire weekend – though happy to be with an amazing friend, who put up with my attitude all weekend – disheartened. I didn’t complain, I didn’t mope. I tried to spend the weekend focusing on what was in my line of vision right then and there – friendship, the oppourtunity to travel, the joy of NYC as a whole. However, it was challenging in those moments where I had a minute to sit and think, to not break down. The unknown can be a scary thing, and I was being thrust right into the belly of it.
This photo – me smiling amongst the children – makes my heart beat fast. The dichotomy of their youth, energy, health, happiness, and naivity, against my aged, listless, anxious, and cynical mind.
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| photo by the ever talented alex reyto |
Now this year – I compare. I compare the look on my face with the exhaustion I can see.
I’ve learned about myself. In ways that I am shocked to know, and in ways I don’t want to know. I learned I’m not as brave as I thought; I learned my strength is physical, but I am mentally weak; I learned that my emotional investment in others may be my detriment – friends, family, and those who I barely know… and that I need to care more about whether I like me, than whether my friends like me; I’ve learned that life is short – too short sometimes – and that even though that’s been proven true to me, I’m still not sure I have the courage to embrace that, and live as though tomorrow is the last day.
But I can also say I’ve learned some pleasantly surprising things about myself as well… I can build my own confidence; I can read, watch, eat, what I want, and be free from care; I can recover from some things – and I can acknowledge and embrace things I cannot recover from; I have amassed a fantastic group of friends, and a great relationship with family that I am very proud of; I can be myself, and at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.
“Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson from his “Self Reliance” Essay
We seem to use our milestones (birthdays, new years, holidays, etc.) to measure progress – where were we last year, what have we accomplished, who we had and still have in our lives, and all of those things that remind us we’re alive, and progressing. Developing, and being challenged. Building a life that we could honourably leave at any minute, and have people review, contemplate, dissect… and be ok with.
I recently read an article, written by Dudley Clendinen in the New York Times – titled, “The Good Short Life”. I would encourage, and even ask, that you all read it in its entirety. But, if nothing else, then absorb this:
“We obsess in this country about how to eat and dress and drink, about finding a job and a mate. About having sex and children. About how to live. But we don’t talk about how to die. We act as if facing death weren’t one of life’s greatest, most absorbing thrills and challenges. Believe me, it is. This is not dull. But we have to be able to see doctors and machines, medical and insurance systems, family and friends and religions as informative — not governing — in order to be free. And that’s the point. This is not about one particular disease or even about Death. It’s about Life, when you know there’s not much left. That is the weird blessing of Lou. There is no escape, and nothing much to do. It’s liberating.“