my weekend in summary....

this (long) weekend was a whirlwind. seriously. Apologies for the delay, as I had yesterday’s post almost purely written, and wanted to settle my mind before writing this weekend’s.
thursday: since friday was a holiday, took off with my parents to my gma's house for easter celebrations. we arrived late(ish), and i met up with a coworker whose mom also lives in the same town as my gma for drinks with her bf and her bf’s brother.
Friday: woke up at 3pm. yes. 3pm. I clearly needed the sleep. Then went over to my uncle’s place for an easter dinner with our step cousins, cousins, gma, etc. had WAY too much to eat, and had birthday cupcakes and celebrations for my step cousin’s bday.
Saturday: woke up early and went to the market with my mom. My gma lives in a fairly rural area, so there are tons of things at the market I will eat. I bought 2 dozen eggs, and some cheese. So. Good. went to my parent’s new place that they bought, and spent some time on the lakefront. Headed back to my gma’s, as we were having easter dinner. I had a nap, and woke up for dinner. Ate a HUGE dinner, including tofurkey (one of my favourite parts of holidays). After dinner, had a quick shower, and planned to go out with my cousin and step cousin.
Needless to say, the rest of the weekend involved a car accident, 2 hospital visits, spending all of easter Sunday throwing up and in the hospital with a morphine drip. The cab we took home on Saturday night hit a car, and we were all admitted. With my previous back injury, I was set back quite a bit in my recovery. I was nearly ‘healed’ (ish), and now feel like I’m back at square… 4. Not as bad as when I first injured myself, but certainly not feeling good enough to walk upright anymore.
I have appts all week, and am trying to get into a good state of mind mentally. I’m just about ready to throw in the towel.
Hope everyone had a great Easter weekend with family and friends… At the very least, I was able to reflect on my reason for living.

it's not you, it's me.

unbrelievable wrote this blog entry about dating guys who don't want a relationship.... called the, 'get out of jail free card'. that person (guy, in her case) who for whatever reason, does not want to be in a 'relationship' - whether it be other girls, work, life, etc. and that once those words leave 'their' mouth, they are no longer responsible for what happens after that. they were honest. they were blunt. they did their due diligence. and now they can proceed with whatever arrangement the two people have, with no responsibility for the hurt that may follow on the one side - the side that accepted the 'get out of jail free' card, and thought that that person may eventually get there. with enough work.

i love reading stuff like this. because it gives me the alternative perspective. 

i'm the one with the 'get out of jail free card'. i'm the one who never wants a 'relationship'. who wants to be free of titles, definitions, boundaries, the responsibility. i have been known to tell guys that they are 'not special'. that they will not be the one who finally ties me down. 

i never understood what guys didn't get about that - what was so hard to understand when i said that. what made them   - despite my saying that i was going to be single, and not tied down - think that they would be the one to tie me down. if only they did this, this, or this. 

and so, interesting to read unbrelievable's take - and a lot of it due to the fact that guys don't talk about these things, but it doesn't mean that they don't feel it. 

in all fairness, i don't think of it like a 'get out of jail free' card - though, now that she's described it as such, i can see where she's going with it. i certainly don't think of it as a way to get me out of responsibility in terms of lying, cheating, taking advantage, etc. to me, it's honesty. it's about communicating where i am at in life, and what that means to them as a secondary party. it communicates that i'm selfish in the way of 'dating', and that i have a hard time focusing my attention on someone else... unless i'm really going to 'commit' to them. 

however. to those out there who have been there - who have had someone say that to them - please understand this. because i can say from the other perspective... it's true:

"if you know you are ready for a relationship, and it is something you really want, then do not accept this card. You can roll the dice and continue to date them, take the time to try for doubles, but in the end you are going to end up disappointed if they don’t. And trust me, there is a high probability they won’t. Either they man up, and pay the $50 to leave their jail of baggage behind, or you leave them behind. Your emotions aren’t ready for someone who isn’t ready to love you."

i will also say that sometimes, that person (*cough*me*cough*) has been emotionally destroyed at some point.... and the fight to put up with the aftermath of that, often turns to that person playing the field to rebuild confidence, or just regain a sense of 'self' that they lost when they put their trust in another person for once.

but i will also say this. sometimes, that person, will have the card pulled on them. by the one person who they may actually be ready for a relationship with. and they will hurt as much as they have hurt everyone before.... so trust that they (I) will get theirs. 
i did. and it hurt. 

good tidings.

i'm leaving today for a weekend with the fam. a good time with gma, mom/dad, cousins, aunts and uncles. i need to bask in all the love that only a family can bring... and no matter what state we work our minds into, a family can create a space that no one, and nothing can impact.
i'm a lucky girl.


image originally from we heart it

 happy easter (long) weekend  all!

to build a home

There is a house built out of stone | Wooden floors, walls and window sills... | Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust.. | This is a place where I don't feel alone | This is a place where I feel at home.......

Cause, I built a home | for you | for me
Until it disappeared | from me | from you
And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust........

Out in the garden where we planted the seeds | There is a tree as old as me | Branches were sewn by the color of green | Ground had arose and passed it's knees
By the cracks of the skin I climbed to the top | I climbed the tree to see the world | When the gusts came around to blow me down | I held on as tightly as you held onto me | I held on as tightly as you held onto me......
Cause, I built a home | for you | for me
Until it disappeared | from me | from you
And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust........ 

(this short hits a bit too close to home for me... but i was spellbound)

all the girls are doing it!

i would loooooooooove a blog like sydney's at 'the daybook' - her lovely husband takes amazing photos of her in her daily outfits... and man oh man. maybe this is something i need to add to my list of qualities: man who is amazing at photography'.
nevertheless. i like to take pictures so i don't forget outfit combinations that i made... because a) i have a horrible memory, and b) sometimes i want to get rid of stuff... but these pictures remind me what i want to keep, and what i want to get rid of. 

so yes. i totally do take photos of myself with my BB. shut up. so when some bloggers did 30 in 30, some of them did compilations... like sydney's here. anywho. it made me want to compile. so i did. don't tell me what to do.
sometimes i look like a slob. sometimes i dress up, and look kind of sort of like a girl (ish). i like hats. and the colour black. obviously. i take a lot of pictures in bathrooms, because the lighting, and it's less awkward for people - they don't have to see me. i rarely wear colour, but when i do, it tends to be weird patterns. i like stripes and plaid. and scarves and belts. a lot. and sequins. ohhhhhh i love sequins. and cardigans. lots of cardigans. my ideal outfit would be a sequin striped shirt with a cardigan. and a belt. and sequin shoes. and a hat probably.
anyways. none of you want to look at me. so. let's just chalk this post up to being in the wardrobe scrapbook for me.
k, thanks bye.