i'll never be able to do it right.

you know when you just wish you were alexa chung, and you could create a book of things that just happened in your brain?
for example. mine would look a little bit like this:
chapter 1: dating mishaps, and all the things that have occurred jamie shea's love life (including a guy who broke his best friend's ankle in my honour, and the really beautiful and dim as the lowest setting on a lamp dimmer guy)... including stories never before released to friends as they are THAT ABSURD and ridiculous.
chapter 2: bands i really like - not arranged by genre, or date of album release, or anything other than when i think of them. OH. and how good their 90's videos were (like, for example, 5ive would win, with THIS incredible video. bowling alley? check.

chapter 3: photos of really cute animals doing really cute things (exhibit a.)

chapter 4: serious things that have happened to me in life (guys - i can be serious!)
chapter 5: riddles, jokes, brain teasers, more jokes (man, i love jokes), and maybe some sudoku.
chapter 6: maybe some observations from public transportation. because we all know how many stories come from a bus ride through the 'rough part of town'.
chapter 7: fiction. about anything really.
chapter 8: a compilation of the last year of my horoscope. with a related daily journal - just to see how the stars lined up.

but actually - i started a course last night, and we were asked to set an intention. things we intended to attain by the end of 3.5 months. one of the things on my list - something that i've been grappling with a lot lately - was writing. writing everyday. being proud of my writing. sharing my writing. making writing a habit, and a priority. most of my concern comes when people ask me, 'what do you want your book to be about?', and i have no response. because i don't have a single solitary clue what i want it to be about.
and at the end of the day, i have to make that not matter. because when that matters, i spend hours thinking and stressing about what to write, what steps i can take, and i torture myself when i don't do it 'right'.
well. here's to not doing it 'right'. here's to simple doing it. and enjoying the ride. and who cares what it ends up looking like.

all i know is, if i end up HALF as happy as that adorable little piglet, i'll be winning. 

on writing a book.... one day at a time.

here's the thing about wanting to be a writer.
you have to actually write.
so when you make excuses for not having written in your blog for almost 3 weeks - things like, 'work's been super busy,' and 'i have just been exhausted lately,' and 'i've had lots of out of town visitors' - you are actually just making excuses for why you're not doing something you love. and that thing you love is that thing you REALLY do want to do. so why the excuses?
i've learned that quite regularly coming up with reasons why something will fail, will prevent me from hurting my ego when it does. when i fall on my face, and that thing i've invested myself in doesn't end up working, it's no biggie - i didn't want it all that much anyways. i was super busy; i had visitors; i was exhausted and focusing on getting into shape. and you know, had i ACTUALLY had time to focus on it, then it would have probably worked out.
it wasn't my fault.
but here's the thing about life - it is what we make it. or, in other words, IF YOU WANT TO BE A WRITER, YOU HAVE TO WRITE.
i spent the afternoon with a dear friend yesterday, and i told him it was a goal of mine to write a book. he told me how much he loved that i had a blog, and the reason was because it meant that even if i had nothing to write about, i still had a space to write. even if it were nothing-ness (which it often is).... i still wrote.
you can imagine the pang i felt in my stomach/heart (you know - that exact place that goes 'PING' when someone holds you accountable for something you know you haven't been holding yourself to?) when the words left his mouth. it felt a bit like shame, mixed with embarrassment, mixed with anger (at myself), mixed with a slight complimentary affection towards him... but mostly shame.
oh for crying out loud jamie. JUST. WRITE.
there's this fine line between writing for the sake of writing, and the guilt that weighs on you, when you have committed yourself to writing, and it just doesn't happen.
so, here's to holding ourselves responsible for the standards we set only for ourselves.
and here - this giant cheers here - here's to loving ourselves enough, to set time aside for the things we love... even if it means falling flat on our faces a few times while we do it.

(and maybe there will be a book or two documenting my failures 5-10 years). (jaime - i know you're reading this... so hold me to it).

on knitted hats and lofty goals

when i set a goal for myself, i set it in the way i was taught in my masters degree: make it measurable, attainable, and most seriously - make it realistic. that's why when i set goals, they sound a little bit like, 'make sure you do your dishes tonight... or by thursday at the LATEST'.... or 'make sure you still have a $20 bill in your wallet by tomorrow'. i'm very serious about these goals, but rarely do i reach them.
enter robyn, who takes goals very seriously. none of this 'just make sure you eat for the next 3 days' goal setting... she created a list of goals, that she wanted to complete before she turned 40 - and, set out to make 10,000 hats for 10,000 people. she started small - with 100 hats in 2009. now, it's 300 hats in 2013. she's sending hats all over the place, just to complete her measurable goal. one she is determined to complete. and man - she's going to kick it into the ground.
the connection that i have with robyn? i'm a giant online click'a'holic... i start in one place online, and next thing you know, i'm halfway across the internet, on a person's page who i used to go to highschool with. people often interrupt my 'i found this thing online' stories with, 'wait.... HOW did you find that??'
so. here's what happened: i was reading sydney's blog, and in catching up, saw her post on her connection with robyn, from she makes hats. i then spent the next hour reading robyn's blog - her goals, her posts on her designs, and what the project meant to her.

the arrival of my hat

you can imagine my surprise when i received an email from robyn, asking if she could send me a hat. me. a hat. i could not hit reply fast enough. handmade hats are my 'swoonworthy' thing. knitting is something i've never been able to fully master, and my jaw drops at the things people can do with needles and yarn.
so, yes. i said yes so quickly, my internet connection could not keep up.

and a little while later, i received my hat. it is warm, and a colour that goes with everything, but is way less boring than my typical grey. it's slouchy, and perfect. and - as you can see from photos - since i am from canada, i can never ever ever own too many hats. since i lost my last knit hat about a year ago (and have been unable to find one that has come even CLOSE to replacing it), i've been without. it would be far too small of a thing to say that this hat serves as a good replacement for that hat - this one would beat that one in a 100m race.  

i know. i know. just a hat. get over it. 

i won't. i won't get over it. while we're all reading blogs, listening to songza, drinking green tea, and trying to get our acts together, robyn has been whipping out hats for babies in maternity wards, hats for active-duty naval sailors, and hats for people like me (who, relatively, have no good place in her repertoire of hat making). 

robyn is part of an organization called nebraska hats for hope. she knits hats to include in bags that are put together in backpacks with food and other warm things, for children from the local elementary school - a large portion of whom receive some form of public assistance (in the manner of free lunches, and so on). so now, instead of store bought hats, robyn has set out to ensure all those deserving kidlets receive hand knit hats. and here's the key component: we can be involved. if you would like to send robyn hats, to be included in this amazing and inspiring initiative, please send them to: 

Nebraska Hats for Hope Initiative

PO Box 6093

Omaha, NE 68106

i just started knitting again. it's taken me a month to make a headband. but this year, my (realistic) challenge will be to send robyn at least 3 hats. please join me. 

and totally off topic, for those of you who were wondering, the following is the reason i will never ever be a fashion blogger. as soon as there is a camera in front of my face, it inexplicable contorts in ways that i can't control, and leaves me with hundreds of photos that look like this:

i'll leave it at that.

oh! i should also add, that robyn has included instructions on how to knit this hat, on her website. it's based on this hat, but she has altered it... so you can see her changes for the final product here. for those of you WAY more talented with needles than i, check it out! we can match! she also wrote a sweet blog entry about the hat, the process, and what number my hat is (#310) in her grand goal.... check it out here!

you can follow robyn's adventure on twitter, instagram, pinterest (because who doesn't love a good perusal of pinterst?), her website, and even buy some of these hats on her etsy shop.