i came home about a week and a half ago.
and for about a week and a half, i've been unable to shake the feeling of blasé that seems to have accompanied me home.
i challenge you for just today. just one moment. take it in. and without thinking about tomorrow, this weekend, next week, next month, or 5 years from now.... just think about today. think about now.
and for about a week and a half, i've been unable to shake the feeling of blasé that seems to have accompanied me home.
blasé [ˈblɑːzeɪ] adj
1. indifferent to something because of familiarity or surfeit
2. lacking enthusiasm; bored
i'm lacking enthusiasm. i'm indifferent due to familiarity. i'm bored.
and it's not from lack of trying - going out, engaging in new projects, talking new ideas for jewelry, and plans for the week upcoming. and it's safe to say i'm the first one to point out to others that there's no reason to plan for and dream of a future, if it only follows a present with nothing to fill it but empty wishes. so i try my hardest - to live the life i'm in today. living in the moment is important to me, and always has been. i've always made logical decisions, but rarely turn down an oppourtunity to go see a last minute concert, or go grab a drink with a friend only in town for a night. those oppourtunities pass quickly, and we only regret the chances we didn't take.
image from pinterest
and yet, there is some part of me looking out for something else. something that won't let go.
i'm not yet sure if it's a feeling of knowing comfort (a large reduction in physical pain) and other sources of happiness in another place, and having to leave it - across the country. i can't yet tell if it's returning home, and walking through my daily steps of a life i'm happy with - entirely happy with - but a little lacklustre about. i don't know if it's knowing that fulfilling my own commitment to happiness is changing any boredom i encounter and dressing it up with only purely enriching experiences.
these are all things that i have yet to figure out.
but whatever it is, it's all a process. they are all steps in the grand scheme of things. and for me, i'm working on wearing multiple hats. not in the typical, 'jamie has many jobs' way, but in the mind-in-love-with-many-places-and-people-at-once type of way. knowing how to enjoy a space that is your own - your home - and give enough of your energy to loving it, while balancing an innate longing, and love for another time and place. it's a process that takes time, and there
what part of humanity longs for another we do not have?
why do we all seem 'doomed' (though that may be a bit of a strong word) to want the grass on the other side of the fence? why can't we just stop looking, and turn to our own yards - our yards (lives) that we've worked hard to cultivate, and enrich? by living purely in the future, and with hopes and plans of the future, we may miss out on simple things that bring joy to our day-to-day - the best smoothie you've ever made (something different about today's smoothie, compared to the ones you have every other morning); the way that your friend laughs truly and heartily when you recount stories of travels; the way a friend says they miss you, and you know they really mean it; the joy that comes from discovering a new shop, or a new route home in a city you've lived in for years. all of these things can become lost, if we spend those minutes, hours, days thinking only of what is coming next.
image from pinterest
why can't we find comfort, beauty, and an unappreciated love for the mundane - as long as it's on a path to creating, shaping and developing a beautiful life?
i'm going to leave things on this note - a charles bukowski poem that was featured in a levi's ad recently. call me crazy, but this summarizes to me a perfect plan of action. to not fall into a place where mediocre is good enough. to take chances on those things that bring incremental rays of light into a life - whether large chances, or small seemingly insignificant ones. to fail, and learn. to identify when an opportunity is presenting itself. and to embrace all of these things into a life that will eventually lead to a place where you are finally totally and entirely happy.
and so, i will go forth. take chances. enjoy the light that currently exists. and take chances on the possibility of more light.
your life is your life // don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission // be on the watch // there are ways out // there is a light somewhere // it may not be much light but // it beats the darkness // be on the watch // the gods will offer you chances // know them // take them // you can’t beat death but // you can beat death in life, sometimes // and the more often you learn to do it, the more light there will be // your life is your life // know it while you have it // you are marvelous // the gods wait to delight in you