i had my heart broken.
it has happened before, and i knew it would happen again. just not like this.
i called. i wrote. i did all but lay down my weapons, wave the white flag, and beg on my hands and knees. with no response.
we go to our friends with heartbreak; relationship woes, fights, tears, turns and swings; embarrassment; mistreatment; and the sheer pain of being overlooked by the object of our affection.
and each time, those friends we hold closest to us tell us, 'don't let them treat you that way!'; 'that's NO way for someone who is supposed to care about you, to speak with you!'; 'if they don't love you, they're not worth it. you're better than that.'; 'you can't force someone to love you - you don't want to HAVE to force someone to love you'.
so then, what happens when it is those friends we turn to, who lead us astray.
it's not even so much as a fight, a falling out, things being thrown, names being called. it's not because they cheat, lie (though i guess sometimes it could be), sleep with you and never call; date your best friend.
most often, it's the simple heartbreak of a disintegrated friendship that hurts. that moment when you know everything has changed. the moment when all those hugs, tears, kisses, promises... are all purely memories in picture frames that you'll fondly look back on.
you don't laugh the same way you used to. every hangout has a minimum 4 preceding calls to arrange. you catch them rolling their eyes when you make the same joke (or the same kind of joke) you've made the entirety of your friendship. things... have just... changed.
and then it happens.
you start to become someone you're not - for them. not all at once, but the little things. you buy something you may never have bought. you make a joke that wasn't yours to tell. you try too hard to be something you're not. because maybe they'll love that person. if they are falling out of love with you, then maybe an alternative you will draw them back... to that place in which things could not change.
and then. it dawns on you - it wasn't this person who was part of the original bond. it was you. and.... as our friends always tell us, 'you can't force someone to love you. you don't want to force someone to love you'....
and you realize things will never be the same again.
you can call. you can write. you can plead, and beg. but there's something new in the friendship that wasn't there before. something that never threatened the threads of the relationship prior to that moment. the acknowledgment by both parties that something has changed.
and it's time to move on.
then the heartbreak sets in.
i think - as cheesy cliche as it sounds - throughout my injury, and the rest of the year, i've had ample time to think. to evaluate. to analyze my own misgivings - of which there are many. admit things to myself, about myself. be angry. be sad. and most of all, be appreciative.
and above all else, i learned that work won't stroke your hair when you're crying for days straight about your life changing from that split second in time that fractured/tore/ruptured/etc. your back. technology won't make their home yours for the month that you can't live alone because you can barely move (and even if you could, you are so high on percocetes you can't function anyways). a car won't bring you groceries every week, because you can't hold a grocery bag. clothes won't bring you bags of DVDs to keep you entertained, instead of sinking into a depression. none of those things will help you go to the washroom when you are in so much pain you can't even get out of bed. none of them will pick you up, against your wishes and sit with you in silence, just for the sake of making sure you are leaving your house for the first time in a week. none of those things will drive you to drs appts, physio appts, ct scans, mri's, and then cry with you on the way home when you find out bad news. none of them will laugh with you when you're talking about your self destructive behaviour, and then tell you later that they are concerned you aren't being good to the most important person in your life - you.
and those friends - the ones who you've tried so so hard to make things better with? the ones who you hoped would be with you through everything... but who you now have to seem to fight for their attention. they won't do any of those things either.
there's always a place.
and for now, i'll do the same thing i do whenever i experience a breakup that actually hurts. ignore the pain, pretend i don't care, and try to sleep... my mind thick with thoughts of you.
it has happened before, and i knew it would happen again. just not like this.
i called. i wrote. i did all but lay down my weapons, wave the white flag, and beg on my hands and knees. with no response.
and each time, those friends we hold closest to us tell us, 'don't let them treat you that way!'; 'that's NO way for someone who is supposed to care about you, to speak with you!'; 'if they don't love you, they're not worth it. you're better than that.'; 'you can't force someone to love you - you don't want to HAVE to force someone to love you'.
so then, what happens when it is those friends we turn to, who lead us astray.
it's not even so much as a fight, a falling out, things being thrown, names being called. it's not because they cheat, lie (though i guess sometimes it could be), sleep with you and never call; date your best friend.
most often, it's the simple heartbreak of a disintegrated friendship that hurts. that moment when you know everything has changed. the moment when all those hugs, tears, kisses, promises... are all purely memories in picture frames that you'll fondly look back on.
you don't laugh the same way you used to. every hangout has a minimum 4 preceding calls to arrange. you catch them rolling their eyes when you make the same joke (or the same kind of joke) you've made the entirety of your friendship. things... have just... changed.
and then it happens.
you start to become someone you're not - for them. not all at once, but the little things. you buy something you may never have bought. you make a joke that wasn't yours to tell. you try too hard to be something you're not. because maybe they'll love that person. if they are falling out of love with you, then maybe an alternative you will draw them back... to that place in which things could not change.
and then. it dawns on you - it wasn't this person who was part of the original bond. it was you. and.... as our friends always tell us, 'you can't force someone to love you. you don't want to force someone to love you'....
and you realize things will never be the same again.
you can call. you can write. you can plead, and beg. but there's something new in the friendship that wasn't there before. something that never threatened the threads of the relationship prior to that moment. the acknowledgment by both parties that something has changed.and it's time to move on.
then the heartbreak sets in.
i think - as cheesy cliche as it sounds - throughout my injury, and the rest of the year, i've had ample time to think. to evaluate. to analyze my own misgivings - of which there are many. admit things to myself, about myself. be angry. be sad. and most of all, be appreciative.
and above all else, i learned that work won't stroke your hair when you're crying for days straight about your life changing from that split second in time that fractured/tore/ruptured/etc. your back. technology won't make their home yours for the month that you can't live alone because you can barely move (and even if you could, you are so high on percocetes you can't function anyways). a car won't bring you groceries every week, because you can't hold a grocery bag. clothes won't bring you bags of DVDs to keep you entertained, instead of sinking into a depression. none of those things will help you go to the washroom when you are in so much pain you can't even get out of bed. none of them will pick you up, against your wishes and sit with you in silence, just for the sake of making sure you are leaving your house for the first time in a week. none of those things will drive you to drs appts, physio appts, ct scans, mri's, and then cry with you on the way home when you find out bad news. none of them will laugh with you when you're talking about your self destructive behaviour, and then tell you later that they are concerned you aren't being good to the most important person in your life - you.
and those friends - the ones who you've tried so so hard to make things better with? the ones who you hoped would be with you through everything... but who you now have to seem to fight for their attention. they won't do any of those things either.
and for now, i'll do the same thing i do whenever i experience a breakup that actually hurts. ignore the pain, pretend i don't care, and try to sleep... my mind thick with thoughts of you.
“No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal,
you’ll never get through it without your friends.” carrie bradshaw
(all images originally from weheartit.com)
you’ll never get through it without your friends.” carrie bradshaw