today is supposed to be a good day. a fun day. a celebrated day.
today is my birthday.
i've never liked birthdays - mine anyways. i have always thought that they made people felt left out, by not being invited, or not having a cake, or any of those things that make us all experience life in different ways.
so, i've never celebrated my birthday. until two years ago, when i started having birthday parties. i was able to overlook the fact that the party was for my birthday, by focusing it on the party, and the people who i had with me. we would donate money, or gifts, go on scavenger hunts, swim, and eat. and the company was the best part.
this year, i am spending my birthday alone. i'm waiting for unnerving health related test results. i'm sad from recent 'heart related' events. i'm feeling overwhelmed, and i can't do anything about it.
so. i'm going to ignore my birthday. i'm going to celebrate my birthday when i feel like it. when i feel better about where i am. and i can be truly happy about all the blessings i have - and at this point i recognize them, but i'm not in a place where i can truly appreciate them.
i want my friends to know how much they mean to me - and i want to celebrate another year of being surrounded by wonderful people.
so everyone - happy 'feel-accepted-and-enjoy-those-around-you' day!
sidenote/edit: i cried 12 times today. prior to about a month and a half ago, i can't remember the last time i cried about something that wasn't a sports movie. things need to change, and they need to change now.
"sometimes the world begins. to set you up on your feet again. oh it wipes the tears from your eyes"
i want that.
additional side note/edit: things that people did for me today that remind me that the world is - in summary - a good place:
- a smoothie from my account manager. and a post it note. not the break up kind. the kind that said, "happy birth-dizzle jamie. enjoy it. or else i'll kick your ass. dave."
- lunch with my two work friends... under the guise of just another day
- a card on my desk from the two older ladies who sit beside me. with a tear off bookmark. it had birds on it.
- a phone call from my little sister, in the middle of orientation week, to sing happy birthday to me (4th cry of the day)
- msgs from my other two thirds... triple threat. unassuming, with the understanding of how i feel about my birthday.
- an email from my best friend jake... telling me he misses me, loves me, is proud of me, and wants me to just plain enjoy my day... and visit me. so tell him when. now. (first cry of the day)
- and this. i received this as a birthday gift from my friend emma. it was the one thing that made me smile today.
today is my birthday.
i've never liked birthdays - mine anyways. i have always thought that they made people felt left out, by not being invited, or not having a cake, or any of those things that make us all experience life in different ways.
so, i've never celebrated my birthday. until two years ago, when i started having birthday parties. i was able to overlook the fact that the party was for my birthday, by focusing it on the party, and the people who i had with me. we would donate money, or gifts, go on scavenger hunts, swim, and eat. and the company was the best part.
this year, i am spending my birthday alone. i'm waiting for unnerving health related test results. i'm sad from recent 'heart related' events. i'm feeling overwhelmed, and i can't do anything about it.
so. i'm going to ignore my birthday. i'm going to celebrate my birthday when i feel like it. when i feel better about where i am. and i can be truly happy about all the blessings i have - and at this point i recognize them, but i'm not in a place where i can truly appreciate them.
i want my friends to know how much they mean to me - and i want to celebrate another year of being surrounded by wonderful people.
so everyone - happy 'feel-accepted-and-enjoy-those-around-you' day!
sidenote/edit: i cried 12 times today. prior to about a month and a half ago, i can't remember the last time i cried about something that wasn't a sports movie. things need to change, and they need to change now.
"sometimes the world begins. to set you up on your feet again. oh it wipes the tears from your eyes"
i want that.
additional side note/edit: things that people did for me today that remind me that the world is - in summary - a good place:
- a smoothie from my account manager. and a post it note. not the break up kind. the kind that said, "happy birth-dizzle jamie. enjoy it. or else i'll kick your ass. dave."
- lunch with my two work friends... under the guise of just another day
- a card on my desk from the two older ladies who sit beside me. with a tear off bookmark. it had birds on it.
- a phone call from my little sister, in the middle of orientation week, to sing happy birthday to me (4th cry of the day)
- msgs from my other two thirds... triple threat. unassuming, with the understanding of how i feel about my birthday.
- an email from my best friend jake... telling me he misses me, loves me, is proud of me, and wants me to just plain enjoy my day... and visit me. so tell him when. now. (first cry of the day)
- and this. i received this as a birthday gift from my friend emma. it was the one thing that made me smile today.