I had a conversation last weekend with a friend. this friend and I are both free spirits. we balk at the idea of a common existence - we avoid all normative actions in life if possible, we're "obsessively opposed to the typical" (thank you gaga).
our conversation centred around our concerns that we may both end up in places that would place us in the realm of 'normal'. those things we fear, such as: being the secondary bread winner (when my whole life I thought I would be the primary); living in a condo downtown, or in a house in suburbia getting married and having children (woe is me); and living a life that can be compared to our parents in any way. this conversation was further fuelled by her having been called a "kept woman" as a result of her household income status as it stands. that term made my mouth drop.
said friend is married… and I don't think of her as one of 'those' married couples. her and her husband live very separate lives, but when they are together (which I have the pleasure of seeing often), they are enamoured with one another. the love they share for one another is quite obvious, and I love being near them - and I can't help but think… isn't this what marriage should be like? shouldn't marriage be two people who adore one another completely, and who want to share their lives with one another, while not losing their individuality?
if this is marriage, then I could do it. which leads me to believe that maybe, if we can take all those 'things' that our parents did, that we never wanted to do - see above - then we could make it our own.
1. being the secondary bread winner (when my whole life I thought I would be the primary): I am not entirely certain that in my lifetime the glass ceiling will be dissolved. therefore, how can I expect to make more than my partner (if that partner is a man), unless I am working in a position that far exceeds his. since I am attracted to highly motivated men, I'm not sure this will be the case. Additionally, if I want to hold down a job in the public sector, or in the not-for-profit sector, I will not be making a lot of money. again, this propels me to a position of lower wage earning.
2. living in a condo downtown, or in a house in suburbia: I want to live downtown - it reflects who I am. I want to own, and I want to be close to the action. It's more environmentally responsible to own a condo. what does this mean? I could potentially end up in an all white condo with stainless steel appliances. am I ok with this? starting to be… as antiques and thrift finds never looked so good, as against an all white wall.
3. getting married: marriage is a union between two people who love each other. do I hope to find a life partner? yes. do I wish to make them happy in as many ways possible? yes. does the idea of having a big party with all of my friends excite me? absolutely. will I fight tooth and nail - just to prove a point - against marriage? well… based on the preceding statements, that just seems silly.
4. having children (woe is me): are children just one of those things that I have absolved for so long, as they go hand in hand with marriage? The idea of adoption is incredible to me - I still fear being responsible for a child… this is still a point under review.
5. living a life that can be compared to our parents in any way: so then, if I do all these things, how can my life be compared to the existence that my parents held at all? Can't I do it my own way?
what then, allows change? what allows people to move forward, if all we end up living the same patterned prescribed life as our parents? I am starting to understand that it's the willingness to demonstrate that doing what makes a person happy is what's important. and if you're TRULY happy, you have made it above and beyond most people.
I can't help but think for small moments that I am a failure - I am a failed feminist, anarchist, communist. I was that girl who everyone looked to, in order to be different - to pave a life that was free from the constructs of society, and make a way for women who were strong and free. this will be the hardest thing to get past… teaching myself that I'm only letting myself down if I choose to act in a way that upholds all that I projected previously - as opposed to what makes me truly happy now.
I guess as I get older, I realize that part of what makes a person a strong woman is not standing up against everyone, and being stubborn. it's about having the freedom to make the choice myself.
of course, I will never ever be able to admit that to my parents… or to those who still tell me "you'll grow out of that"… but maybe I'm maturing.
our conversation centred around our concerns that we may both end up in places that would place us in the realm of 'normal'. those things we fear, such as: being the secondary bread winner (when my whole life I thought I would be the primary); living in a condo downtown, or in a house in suburbia getting married and having children (woe is me); and living a life that can be compared to our parents in any way. this conversation was further fuelled by her having been called a "kept woman" as a result of her household income status as it stands. that term made my mouth drop.
if this is marriage, then I could do it. which leads me to believe that maybe, if we can take all those 'things' that our parents did, that we never wanted to do - see above - then we could make it our own.
1. being the secondary bread winner (when my whole life I thought I would be the primary): I am not entirely certain that in my lifetime the glass ceiling will be dissolved. therefore, how can I expect to make more than my partner (if that partner is a man), unless I am working in a position that far exceeds his. since I am attracted to highly motivated men, I'm not sure this will be the case. Additionally, if I want to hold down a job in the public sector, or in the not-for-profit sector, I will not be making a lot of money. again, this propels me to a position of lower wage earning.
2. living in a condo downtown, or in a house in suburbia: I want to live downtown - it reflects who I am. I want to own, and I want to be close to the action. It's more environmentally responsible to own a condo. what does this mean? I could potentially end up in an all white condo with stainless steel appliances. am I ok with this? starting to be… as antiques and thrift finds never looked so good, as against an all white wall.
3. getting married: marriage is a union between two people who love each other. do I hope to find a life partner? yes. do I wish to make them happy in as many ways possible? yes. does the idea of having a big party with all of my friends excite me? absolutely. will I fight tooth and nail - just to prove a point - against marriage? well… based on the preceding statements, that just seems silly.
4. having children (woe is me): are children just one of those things that I have absolved for so long, as they go hand in hand with marriage? The idea of adoption is incredible to me - I still fear being responsible for a child… this is still a point under review.
5. living a life that can be compared to our parents in any way: so then, if I do all these things, how can my life be compared to the existence that my parents held at all? Can't I do it my own way?
I guess this is all just being honest with myself. and accepting that it's not settling - it's acknowledging that this is the way it is.
I guess this also surfaces in a time when I find myself questioning - is it really commitment that i feared, or is it the fear that i could never commit in the fear of doing so to someone who does not fulfil me in every way? I think that the later is the more true... so i won't sell myself short then - and commitment-phobia begins to fade away. instead, to find someone who i don't feel like i'm pulling teeth with.  |
| originally on lissyl's flickr |
I can't help but think for small moments that I am a failure - I am a failed feminist, anarchist, communist. I was that girl who everyone looked to, in order to be different - to pave a life that was free from the constructs of society, and make a way for women who were strong and free. this will be the hardest thing to get past… teaching myself that I'm only letting myself down if I choose to act in a way that upholds all that I projected previously - as opposed to what makes me truly happy now.
I guess as I get older, I realize that part of what makes a person a strong woman is not standing up against everyone, and being stubborn. it's about having the freedom to make the choice myself.
of course, I will never ever be able to admit that to my parents… or to those who still tell me "you'll grow out of that"… but maybe I'm maturing.