I will admit it. I recently went through a large, life impacting breakup - about 4 months ago now. And while it's been a long time in the making (moving out, discussions lasting late into the night, etc.) it's final. This is just the first time I'm talking about it. And I won't talk much - because to talk about my emotions is not really my style. But this breakup did a lot for me - it let me see myself hurt, let me see myself alone, let me see myself as I was at the end of a relationship that shouldn't be.
We change so much in relationships, and when one of my friends said to me, "don't lose single jamie - I love her" I realized that being in a relationship is not about being 'relationship jamie'… it's about finding the right person to be 'single jamie' with - with a few obvious adjustments.
Emma and I are also avid followers of Raymi the minx, and her blog. And when emma found these two ('and so', 'you taught me') entries about raymi's breakup, she sent them to me. And it was like reading what I felt and thought, and wanted to talk about, but never had the words, emotions, or trust to convey.
So… with due credit and respect, from raymi's blog.
'and so'
"i was unhappy and became more unhappy and i didn’t see that happiness was a possibility any longer. for me.... hey look at me what about me? us? it wasn’t anybody’s fault it was just our life and it quickly became habit. in the end i went out less, but on the nights i did i was not enjoying myself so i drank through it, still unhappy, not even drunk just drinking but still waking up hung everyday in a fog. that is not a life to live. that is not a life. on top of it everyone is always asking you the what’s up, how goes and inside you are like, fuck all, what more do i need to give you when i have nothing for myself. here comes the self-loathing tell all piece of shit you’ve been waiting for…
do you want to know the honest truth? i became ornamental and allowed it. i became alone and it felt normal. i gave up on myself, on being myself. i became callous. i forgot what romance was, passion. it got lost. real world stresses took it away and in its place we put booze and companionship and familiarity. thought we’d have the rest of our lives to work it out, he did.
the short of it is i could no longer tolerate being shut out emotionally, my spirit had had enough... we acted beautifully together for everyone else but us. while alone it was stretches of silences for hours in our own little online worlds until it became dark then we’d get ready and go out to whateverthefuck was going on that nite. most things i didn’t want to do, i often chose his wants over my own. there’s nothing worse than acting for people you don’t even want to hang out with when you don’t feel like hanging out. making other people’s priorities supercede that of your own until you get to a point when you don’t care about anything anymore.
this has been the hardest time in my life in a long time. i feel like i haven’t made an adult decision ever before this. people say it’s a brave move, some are wont to just remain in situations forever out of fear, fear of change. being bold.
everybody is asking WHAT HAPPENED. guy, there isn’t one concrete response to that, don’t be such a silly selfish fucker. many things happened over the expanse of [three] years. little things add up over time and then you just pop.
maybe rather than blasting per se, it’s an opportunity to explain that the blog is built from your life – life as inspiration – but that in fact it’s a construct. truth in a fictional form. or a fiction that’s built from truth.
Paul Theroux has a novel called My Other Life. the protagonist is a famous author named Paul Theroux. but as he says in the epigraph, 'this is the story of a life I could have lived had things been different.'..."
'you taught me'
"in summation. i do not know. we are all feeling the same things on this planet. isolation, controlled, stuck, unhappy. it’s boggling that this is the way of the world and humans. that it degenerates into this. birth, courtship, marriage, unhappiness, death."
We change so much in relationships, and when one of my friends said to me, "don't lose single jamie - I love her" I realized that being in a relationship is not about being 'relationship jamie'… it's about finding the right person to be 'single jamie' with - with a few obvious adjustments.
Emma and I are also avid followers of Raymi the minx, and her blog. And when emma found these two ('and so', 'you taught me') entries about raymi's breakup, she sent them to me. And it was like reading what I felt and thought, and wanted to talk about, but never had the words, emotions, or trust to convey.
 |
| originally from mundo mudo's photostream |
'and so'
"i was unhappy and became more unhappy and i didn’t see that happiness was a possibility any longer. for me.... hey look at me what about me? us? it wasn’t anybody’s fault it was just our life and it quickly became habit. in the end i went out less, but on the nights i did i was not enjoying myself so i drank through it, still unhappy, not even drunk just drinking but still waking up hung everyday in a fog. that is not a life to live. that is not a life. on top of it everyone is always asking you the what’s up, how goes and inside you are like, fuck all, what more do i need to give you when i have nothing for myself. here comes the self-loathing tell all piece of shit you’ve been waiting for…
do you want to know the honest truth? i became ornamental and allowed it. i became alone and it felt normal. i gave up on myself, on being myself. i became callous. i forgot what romance was, passion. it got lost. real world stresses took it away and in its place we put booze and companionship and familiarity. thought we’d have the rest of our lives to work it out, he did.
the short of it is i could no longer tolerate being shut out emotionally, my spirit had had enough... we acted beautifully together for everyone else but us. while alone it was stretches of silences for hours in our own little online worlds until it became dark then we’d get ready and go out to whateverthefuck was going on that nite. most things i didn’t want to do, i often chose his wants over my own. there’s nothing worse than acting for people you don’t even want to hang out with when you don’t feel like hanging out. making other people’s priorities supercede that of your own until you get to a point when you don’t care about anything anymore.
this has been the hardest time in my life in a long time. i feel like i haven’t made an adult decision ever before this. people say it’s a brave move, some are wont to just remain in situations forever out of fear, fear of change. being bold.
everybody is asking WHAT HAPPENED. guy, there isn’t one concrete response to that, don’t be such a silly selfish fucker. many things happened over the expanse of [three] years. little things add up over time and then you just pop.
maybe rather than blasting per se, it’s an opportunity to explain that the blog is built from your life – life as inspiration – but that in fact it’s a construct. truth in a fictional form. or a fiction that’s built from truth.
Paul Theroux has a novel called My Other Life. the protagonist is a famous author named Paul Theroux. but as he says in the epigraph, 'this is the story of a life I could have lived had things been different.'..."
'you taught me'
"in summation. i do not know. we are all feeling the same things on this planet. isolation, controlled, stuck, unhappy. it’s boggling that this is the way of the world and humans. that it degenerates into this. birth, courtship, marriage, unhappiness, death."