I was fawning over a newly found blog (posted about here), and found a wonderful 'top 25 list' of personality characteristics. Though we've all received chain emails, etc. that ask us to anty up this information about ourselves, I finally have a reason to fill my list out.
I think through this new path of personal discovery (whoa - that sounded SUPER lame), I'm realizing (or admitting) more and more about myself then I ever have before. Which means that I can finally, honestly, express my top 25. however. These are long things. So I'm going to split up. Once a week. For less than 25 weeks… I'll divulge myself into figuring out what makes me, me. Not for you - but because when asked in an interview what my strengths or weaknesses are, I want to be able to answer more than "I work too hard"…
I like to start things in unconventional ways. Therefore…
first part in a 25 part series… number 16
16. I have just begun accepting my adhd. The sheer admittance here - on my blog - is huge. I was diagnosed with adhd in third/fourth year university (between the exhaustive testing process, and trying to find a psychiatrist other than the multiple ones who didn't care to test, but were ready to just write me a prescription), and then trials and tribulations with different medications. I originally thought that it might be ADD. When I found out I had ADHD, I was devastated. Once I sat through some counselling, and become clearer on what I could take control of in my life, with the information I now had, it was made so clear to me that my life was going to change for the better.
Many people use the terms ADD and ADHD interchangeably. They are two EXTREMELY different disorders… and have a much different impact on those who live with them. To shortly describe (sorry for the wikipedia, but it seems to be the best summary for these purposes): ADHD is diagnosed within three types. 1) An inattentive type; 2) A hyperactive/impulsive type; 3) A combined type. I have been diagnosed with a 'combined type predominantly hyperactive/impulsive personality'. What I live with is adult attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, which presents itself in a very different way from ADHD in children as well - this is another reason I went so long without a diagnosis.This translates into a few things in my day to day life (this is a short list… and my ADHD obviously reaches far more parts of my life… these are just the most influential):
1) I have little to no impulse control - I say things I know I shouldn't say, I do things I know I shouldn't do, and I'm not entirely sure I know what regret feels like. People always tell me that they admire my ability to take risks, when in reality they don't understand that I painstakingly have learned coping mechanisms to not ruin my life with my risk taking.
2) I have a bad temper and strong opinions. This is a good thing in sociology, politics, and other things that I have involved myself in throughout my life, but at the same time, people don't consider how these characteristics translate into my every day life. It ruins my relationships, puts me at constant risk in my job, and causes people to either love me or hate me. Again, I've learned throughout life how to mitigate these things, but only to a certain extent.
3) I don't sleep. There is a strong link between ADHD and sleep disorders, which immediately explained my existent insomnia that I have lived with for a large portion of my life. Not sleeping for 4 days at a time makes sense when your brain is on overdrive 24 hours a day.
4) I forget things the minute you tell me. I have lived day by day out of a planner my entire life - when I was in elementary and high school, I taught myself to write what I wore every day of the week in my planner, because multiple times my friends would point out that I wore the same things two, three, four days in a row. My memory is not just bad - it's detrimental. I've tried every trick in the book to remember names, but you can be sure that as soon as you've introduced yourself to me, I have forgotten your name. I have forgotten what you do for a living, what your brother/sister/mothers name is, when your birthday is (I still can't remember my parents birthdays). I have seriously forgotten what year I graduated (high school, university, college). It took me 3 years to learn my cell phone number, and 4 years to learn my parents home phone number when we moved. I couldn't call from friends houses because I couldn’t remember what my home phone number was. Without my planner (that I spend $40 on yearly, because otherwise I would not know what to do), I would forget our coffee date, despite having made the plans the day before; I would forget when I work, I would forget statutory holidays, and where I am supposed to be, and when. I have paid so much money in missed appointment fees, I could have paid off my student loans (seriously - I have calculated this to teach myself a lesson). I will never 'remember'
5) I have no understanding of time. I will be either 30 minutes early, or 30 minutes late. I have no concept of how long it takes me to get to work - just that my agenda tells me to leave at 7:30 every morning, and I have never been talked to about getting in late (so I think I'm doing ok!). I have no idea when I'll be there, because if I guessed, I would be totally wrong.
6) I suck at relationships. I used to say this all the time, and people would say to me, "no you don't! you have tons of friends, are always dating, how can you suck at them?". This is precisely why I suck at them. I can't maintain a "real" relationship with friends, men, women, parents, sisters, relatives, etc. for a long period of time. I don't know how to communicate normally (for multiple reasons having to do with my words being caught in my brain), and I also behave erratically. Beyond all the above things, it's this aspect of my adhd that bothers me the most. I will never know what it's like to feel love the way other people do. I worry every day that I won't be able to control impulses, or hold down a relationship for the rest of my life. Those are things I'm not sure I will ever be ok with… but I'm working on it.
I think that the medication was one of the hardest things for me. Since my health scare in 2nd/3rd year, and my finding of the naturopath who essentially saved my life, I was so hesitant to regulate my body with a synthetic drug. I already knew of the negative connotations that went along with medicating add/adhd, and I didn't want to be one of those people (note: there is a TON of discrimination - I had multiple case workers, doctors, etc. comment on medication being a fix for pure laziness).
The first recommendation was Ritalin. I spent a good chunk of time on this, as it can take up to 6 months for your body to fully realize interaction with the drug. Now I understand why people feel like zombies, and children don't want to take their drugs - I felt like I was in a drug induced haze all the time. I lost what made me exciting. I lost the 'jamie'. It depressed me, and while I could pay attention in class, I was losing my spark in class discussions, and missing out on 'me'. About 9 months after my diagnosis, I met with my naturopath and doctor, and talked about my options. Due to the severity of my ADHD, it was unlikely I would be able to use diet, counselling, etc. to manage my symptoms, and so we decided on Dexedrine. it changed my life. The way that it interacted with my body, my other medications, my mind was like opening a window to a new world. I could be me, but with some clarity. The only downfall of Dexedrine is my lack of appetite - which certainly changed who I was, as I LOVE food - but it was worth it. I can hold a conversation with someone without losing words; I can pay sit through a whole movie in a theatre, and only leave the theatre twice to three times (versus 10-15 in a 1.5 hour period); I can read a book on international politics for fun; somehow I can think before I talk; I can sit through a business meeting without scribbling, leaving the room, reading posters, etc. These things have seriously impacted my life. And it has allowed me to enjoy what parts of the ADHD make me happy - I can be outgoing, erratic, loud, passionate. I can hyperfocus, and be productive. I can have conversations with my friends, and laugh with them about my loss of words from excitement.
I still struggle with comments like, "I'm so add today", and people making sweeping comments about them having add. I know it's unintentional, but I also can't help but think that there is no way for people to know what it's like, unless they too live with it. There's no peace in my head. I have never experience calm, peace, quiet - or even a full night's sleep for that matter. I'm not sure what it's like to just relax. There are things that I could never ever explain, that come along with
People often say things to me like, 'I lose track of my thoughts, which is a symptom' - without recognizing that these symptoms must be seen in a severe, continuous, and debilitating form in order to be considered a true symptom of ADHD. Not that you are at a loss for a word, or forget your train of thought - but that you can be mid sentence, and literally stop talking because you can't remember what the beginning of your sentence was, and what you were going to finish your sentence with. And that no matter how many things the person you're with says to 'jog your memory', it won't work - it's gone (people try this all the time with me, and it's more frustrating than helpful - a reminder that I'm lacking the ability to communicate what goes on in my head). This happens to me at least 50 times a day. It is an awful feeling, when standing in front of 250 clients, presenting, and you have a power point with everything you need to say, and you still can't remember what the last word you said was, or what point on the slide you were at. On every slide.
It's symptoms like these that make ADHD a diagnosis - not because you lose your keys. Not because you went into a room and forgot what you were coming to do. Not because you can't pay attention during a boring movie. That makes us a stressed, forgetful, and funny society - not a society that requires medication.
It took almost 5 years, but I'm on my way there. When I first found out, I told 4 people: my parents, my best friend, and my prof who had been helping me through the process. I didn't tell anyone for years… Now, I challenge myself to tell at least one person a month. This has helped me learn that it's not a personality downfall. It's what makes me, me.
So there you have it - I am a female with ADHD... and I'm finally learning to enjoy it.
(this '25 things' is going to be long!!)
I think through this new path of personal discovery (whoa - that sounded SUPER lame), I'm realizing (or admitting) more and more about myself then I ever have before. Which means that I can finally, honestly, express my top 25. however. These are long things. So I'm going to split up. Once a week. For less than 25 weeks… I'll divulge myself into figuring out what makes me, me. Not for you - but because when asked in an interview what my strengths or weaknesses are, I want to be able to answer more than "I work too hard"…
I like to start things in unconventional ways. Therefore…
first part in a 25 part series… number 16
16. I have just begun accepting my adhd. The sheer admittance here - on my blog - is huge. I was diagnosed with adhd in third/fourth year university (between the exhaustive testing process, and trying to find a psychiatrist other than the multiple ones who didn't care to test, but were ready to just write me a prescription), and then trials and tribulations with different medications. I originally thought that it might be ADD. When I found out I had ADHD, I was devastated. Once I sat through some counselling, and become clearer on what I could take control of in my life, with the information I now had, it was made so clear to me that my life was going to change for the better.
Many people use the terms ADD and ADHD interchangeably. They are two EXTREMELY different disorders… and have a much different impact on those who live with them. To shortly describe (sorry for the wikipedia, but it seems to be the best summary for these purposes): ADHD is diagnosed within three types. 1) An inattentive type; 2) A hyperactive/impulsive type; 3) A combined type. I have been diagnosed with a 'combined type predominantly hyperactive/impulsive personality'. What I live with is adult attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, which presents itself in a very different way from ADHD in children as well - this is another reason I went so long without a diagnosis.This translates into a few things in my day to day life (this is a short list… and my ADHD obviously reaches far more parts of my life… these are just the most influential):
1) I have little to no impulse control - I say things I know I shouldn't say, I do things I know I shouldn't do, and I'm not entirely sure I know what regret feels like. People always tell me that they admire my ability to take risks, when in reality they don't understand that I painstakingly have learned coping mechanisms to not ruin my life with my risk taking.
2) I have a bad temper and strong opinions. This is a good thing in sociology, politics, and other things that I have involved myself in throughout my life, but at the same time, people don't consider how these characteristics translate into my every day life. It ruins my relationships, puts me at constant risk in my job, and causes people to either love me or hate me. Again, I've learned throughout life how to mitigate these things, but only to a certain extent.
3) I don't sleep. There is a strong link between ADHD and sleep disorders, which immediately explained my existent insomnia that I have lived with for a large portion of my life. Not sleeping for 4 days at a time makes sense when your brain is on overdrive 24 hours a day.
4) I forget things the minute you tell me. I have lived day by day out of a planner my entire life - when I was in elementary and high school, I taught myself to write what I wore every day of the week in my planner, because multiple times my friends would point out that I wore the same things two, three, four days in a row. My memory is not just bad - it's detrimental. I've tried every trick in the book to remember names, but you can be sure that as soon as you've introduced yourself to me, I have forgotten your name. I have forgotten what you do for a living, what your brother/sister/mothers name is, when your birthday is (I still can't remember my parents birthdays). I have seriously forgotten what year I graduated (high school, university, college). It took me 3 years to learn my cell phone number, and 4 years to learn my parents home phone number when we moved. I couldn't call from friends houses because I couldn’t remember what my home phone number was. Without my planner (that I spend $40 on yearly, because otherwise I would not know what to do), I would forget our coffee date, despite having made the plans the day before; I would forget when I work, I would forget statutory holidays, and where I am supposed to be, and when. I have paid so much money in missed appointment fees, I could have paid off my student loans (seriously - I have calculated this to teach myself a lesson). I will never 'remember'
5) I have no understanding of time. I will be either 30 minutes early, or 30 minutes late. I have no concept of how long it takes me to get to work - just that my agenda tells me to leave at 7:30 every morning, and I have never been talked to about getting in late (so I think I'm doing ok!). I have no idea when I'll be there, because if I guessed, I would be totally wrong.
6) I suck at relationships. I used to say this all the time, and people would say to me, "no you don't! you have tons of friends, are always dating, how can you suck at them?". This is precisely why I suck at them. I can't maintain a "real" relationship with friends, men, women, parents, sisters, relatives, etc. for a long period of time. I don't know how to communicate normally (for multiple reasons having to do with my words being caught in my brain), and I also behave erratically. Beyond all the above things, it's this aspect of my adhd that bothers me the most. I will never know what it's like to feel love the way other people do. I worry every day that I won't be able to control impulses, or hold down a relationship for the rest of my life. Those are things I'm not sure I will ever be ok with… but I'm working on it.
I think that the medication was one of the hardest things for me. Since my health scare in 2nd/3rd year, and my finding of the naturopath who essentially saved my life, I was so hesitant to regulate my body with a synthetic drug. I already knew of the negative connotations that went along with medicating add/adhd, and I didn't want to be one of those people (note: there is a TON of discrimination - I had multiple case workers, doctors, etc. comment on medication being a fix for pure laziness).
The first recommendation was Ritalin. I spent a good chunk of time on this, as it can take up to 6 months for your body to fully realize interaction with the drug. Now I understand why people feel like zombies, and children don't want to take their drugs - I felt like I was in a drug induced haze all the time. I lost what made me exciting. I lost the 'jamie'. It depressed me, and while I could pay attention in class, I was losing my spark in class discussions, and missing out on 'me'. About 9 months after my diagnosis, I met with my naturopath and doctor, and talked about my options. Due to the severity of my ADHD, it was unlikely I would be able to use diet, counselling, etc. to manage my symptoms, and so we decided on Dexedrine. it changed my life. The way that it interacted with my body, my other medications, my mind was like opening a window to a new world. I could be me, but with some clarity. The only downfall of Dexedrine is my lack of appetite - which certainly changed who I was, as I LOVE food - but it was worth it. I can hold a conversation with someone without losing words; I can pay sit through a whole movie in a theatre, and only leave the theatre twice to three times (versus 10-15 in a 1.5 hour period); I can read a book on international politics for fun; somehow I can think before I talk; I can sit through a business meeting without scribbling, leaving the room, reading posters, etc. These things have seriously impacted my life. And it has allowed me to enjoy what parts of the ADHD make me happy - I can be outgoing, erratic, loud, passionate. I can hyperfocus, and be productive. I can have conversations with my friends, and laugh with them about my loss of words from excitement.
I still struggle with comments like, "I'm so add today", and people making sweeping comments about them having add. I know it's unintentional, but I also can't help but think that there is no way for people to know what it's like, unless they too live with it. There's no peace in my head. I have never experience calm, peace, quiet - or even a full night's sleep for that matter. I'm not sure what it's like to just relax. There are things that I could never ever explain, that come along with
People often say things to me like, 'I lose track of my thoughts, which is a symptom' - without recognizing that these symptoms must be seen in a severe, continuous, and debilitating form in order to be considered a true symptom of ADHD. Not that you are at a loss for a word, or forget your train of thought - but that you can be mid sentence, and literally stop talking because you can't remember what the beginning of your sentence was, and what you were going to finish your sentence with. And that no matter how many things the person you're with says to 'jog your memory', it won't work - it's gone (people try this all the time with me, and it's more frustrating than helpful - a reminder that I'm lacking the ability to communicate what goes on in my head). This happens to me at least 50 times a day. It is an awful feeling, when standing in front of 250 clients, presenting, and you have a power point with everything you need to say, and you still can't remember what the last word you said was, or what point on the slide you were at. On every slide.
It's symptoms like these that make ADHD a diagnosis - not because you lose your keys. Not because you went into a room and forgot what you were coming to do. Not because you can't pay attention during a boring movie. That makes us a stressed, forgetful, and funny society - not a society that requires medication.
It took almost 5 years, but I'm on my way there. When I first found out, I told 4 people: my parents, my best friend, and my prof who had been helping me through the process. I didn't tell anyone for years… Now, I challenge myself to tell at least one person a month. This has helped me learn that it's not a personality downfall. It's what makes me, me.
So there you have it - I am a female with ADHD... and I'm finally learning to enjoy it.
(this '25 things' is going to be long!!)