oh future self: you made it here. you're strong and lovely, and you are full of graceful and deep and passionate and often overwhelming emotions. and it is all that - mixed up inside with a load of guts and stuff - that brought you here. and I know it feels so many ways - I know you're exhausted and ready to just 'exist'... and that's coming - there's just a bit further to go. 

how do I tell this stranger exactly how I'm doing? that most days are filled with anxieties of the most minute kind - what if I get caught in the rain wearing Birkenstocks? what if I'm late for my counselling appointment and my counsellor finally says enough is enough, and never wants to see me again?  what if I show up for my pottery class and no one talks to me and I know I'm there for the artistic expression but the 7 year old inside of me just wants a friend to laugh with? what if people have been lying to me and everyone is lying and even when I'm learning to ask straight forward and difficult questions, they. are. all. lying.

I don't want to be a minimalist. i have conversations and longings for the simplicity. but I just. can't. do it. while my inner environmentalist, and sociologist, and other 'ists' are entirely aware, and in support of the reasons for minimalism, I just can't get there.