because I'm a believer in internet transparency and that life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, I think it's important to contrast my last blog entry with this: it is entirely possible to live a life in which you can feel beautiful, and insecure. you can feel happy and sad. you can be in love and heartbroken. you can be energized and lazy. and it is entirely possible for you to feel all of those things, all at the same time.
Read Morepuffy eyed smile
today - while sorting through photo filters on Instagram - I had to take pause over the reality of what I was doing. on the hunt for that special filter. the right contouring and lighting. to soften the blemishes and to darken the eyelashes. more lips, less teeth. any combination of contrast and skin tone shading and saturation that would somehow turn me into a glammed up and celebrated movie star. and I stopped mid screen touch, to take a pause. pay attention to what I was doing - what I was allowing to happen.
Read Moreit just shines.
i just arrived home from one of my first, teacher led yoga classes in over a year (possibly even two). i'm not sure why i choose a hot yoga class as my first solo class on this journey, other than the class' scheduled time. Not my brightest move. I spent hours before class (and the night before even) thinking about how far back in my practice my body has fallen - my loss of flexibility, and calm, my lack of control and peace. failure. and these thoughts of failure, of course, evolved into, and enveloped thoughts of my current failures as a person.
Read Moresleep
I've dealt with insomnia most of my 'adult' life. I recall going days on end with no sleep in university, and lying in bed for hours forcing my eyes closed, hoping I'd be blessed with my roommates talent for naps.
Read Morea year.
this day has loomed over me for months. i've looked at the calendar. watched the number. felt a weight everytime someone tried to book an appt with me. i did my best to avoid the idea that this day would inevitably come.
and turns out, you can't change the calendar, or time, or the concept of 'memories'. this day, last year, one of the most important people in my life, took his own life. and we (his wife, family, friends, me) have spent the past 365 days learning what that means for the rest of us who remained.
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