because I'm a believer in internet transparency and that life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, I think it's important to contrast my last blog entry with this: it is entirely possible to live a life in which you can feel beautiful, and insecure. you can feel happy and sad. you can be in love and heartbroken. you can be energized and lazy. and it is entirely possible for you to feel all of those things, all at the same time.
I, for one, feel the majority of these things most minutes of most days.
and without giving ourselves the permission to feel these things simultaneously, we block our ability to really feel. I have spent years doing exactly that. i thought if I protected myself from hurt and sadness and anger and heartbreak, I would live a wonderful and stable life. a life devoid of only the negative emotions. controlling myself, and those around me, meant having control over life's events and situations.
the part that never occurred to me, was this: when you don't allow the hard stuff in, you also aren't allowing the best stuff. when you work your hardest to prevent sadness and heartbreak, you push away love and happiness. when you beat away insecurity, you close yourself off to the places you feel beautiful. when you stand against the possibility of any negative emotion, you close yourself off - protecting yourself from (what I always believe was only) the negative. and, without knowing, you also close yourself off from anything positive that may be brewing in your little heart.
those little wonderful things - like sheer enjoyment, and laughter without constraint, and goofiness and love - are only accessible when your guard comes down.
I recall telling a partner, "I am so happy every single time you walk in the door, that my mouth wants to break out into smile. I want to jump in the air, and dance to greet you. and I don't. because i feel silly." and my body holds back. I would grant a subtle smile and say hi, and behave as though I was only affected in a minor way by his presence.
i was afraid if he saw my joy - my sheer and unadulterated happiness - at his arrival (or just his presence), that he would think I was ridiculous, or that he would have something to hold over my head. like loving him more (because God forbid that could be the behaviour of someone who loved equally) was a bad thing. a weakness. so I sat. and smiled - in a controlled manner. feeling smug because I could manage my behaviour, and the power of the interaction.
and - of course - he felt unloved. and so, i'm sure he felt constrained, and uncertain and likely minimized the love he shared with me. and so it goes - a dulled down version of expression and emotion. a world where the possibility of hurt and sadness and embarrassment feels contained, but in reality these things become a much more realistic option. they become - perhaps - the only outcome possible.
and so, currently, my work (and GOSH it's hard work) is living loudly. living the way my heart and soul intend to be lived. dancing down the supermarket aisle. jumping for joy when I see someone I love. laughing out loud when I hear a joke that no one else gets. and, in contrast, crying without constraint when I am sad. (oh there is SO much crying). sharing my sadness and frustration when I feel those things. explaining my embarrassment to, or perceived failures with, those I love. because, those emotions and feelings are plentiful. and they are real. and they are part of life and love and they are part of anything worth a speck of your time.
and my work is accepting those opposing feelings: beautiful, and insecure. happy and sad. in love and heartbroken. energized and lazy.
today, my eyes are puffy from crying many many tears. and my heart is overwhelmingly full from the letters I've been able to write to the people I adore - for the amount of people in my life who I can say I adore! so - for now - I will sit, and embrace both of those feelings. I will feel sad and lucky, beautiful and self conscious, and I will share freely.
and it will be worth it.