people have been asking why i'm leaving, and what brought me to the decision to move across the country with nothing. so, before i leave, and while i still have a bit of time, i'll spend a few blog posts explaining. this is my third entry, on what i'll do when i get there.
i had been having conversations with friends. a lot of them. and on what appeared to be an increasing level. the conversations were always about the future. always revolving the things we want, the things we think are realistic, and the things that we have control over. conversations that ended in, 'if we simply act responsibly, then it will all work out'. things that we can control, we simply ensure that the smartest move possible.
it's left my mind reeling. whether it be from being stressed at work, sick and exhausted constantly, trying to fit a million things into my days, because i can't imagine missing out on another friend's wedding/engagement party/wedding shower/hangout... any one of these potential disappointments, in addition to the responsible things i was doing all day long in a 9-5. the overwhelming sense of stress and exhaustion meant time spent with a mind going a million miles a minute.
what does one think about when completely and utterly overwhelmed, as well as having thoughts of conversations on the brain?
my whole life i have been the smart one. the responsible one. i’ve made all the right decisions - the decisions that were financially responsible, future oriented, and safe. logic. it’s all about logic. ‘i could do that, but here are the reasons i shouldn't. here are the reasons it wouldn't make sense. here are the reasons i should do this instead’. and through all that, my heart was left knocking, likely saying, ‘hello! what about me?? when do i get to do what i want to do?’
and maybe it’s for those reasons that i love to travel alone. it gives me a chance to sit, think, and make decisions based on heart. no one will know the outcome, and at the end of the day, i get another day to try again. if i experience failure, i get to try all over again, and no one will know the difference. i can leave that part out of the story i tell upon my return from vacation. it gives me the chance to do what i want, without the responsibility of being the responsible oldest child that i’ve been my entire life.
unfortunately, you can’t let your heart go so long without any attention (or solely the attention you give it while travelling alone on vacation 3 months a year), or it becomes numb and immobile. at some point, your heart says enough. enough is enough. i’m taking over. and suddenly, those small tastes of heart based decision making that you’ve allowed yourself on lone vacations, start infiltrating your day-to-day. they start seeping into your waking decisions, your work decisions, and your social decisions. they start stopping you in your steps, and making you reconsider things you've done for years, and years, and years. suddenly, the life you’ve been living seems to be logical, methodical, planned.... and entirely not what you truly want.
so at what point in life do we throw caution to the wind, and start deciding on things that make us truly happy? what is it about the future that causes an innate fear? what prevents us from taking those giants leaps, giant steps? why are we afraid of picking ourselves up, admitting we made a wrong decision, and dusting ourselves off to move forward?
and when the only consideration that was beginning to keep me from making my decision, was 'what will i do when i arrive?'; 'what will my job be?'; 'how will i be defined?'... that's when i knew - whatever it was, i would figure it out. the job would come. for the first time in my life, i was going to just do something because my heart told me to.
so who knows what it will be. it definitely won't be a responsible job - it won't be a 9-5 (for now); it won't be a high paying job, or a job that comes with benefits (though, those would be nice coincidences). instead, i'm looking for fun. i'm looking for a mental break... and most of all, i'm looking for something that gives me time for myself, gives me time for things that make me happy, and time for things that i love.
......................................................................................
i had been having conversations with friends. a lot of them. and on what appeared to be an increasing level. the conversations were always about the future. always revolving the things we want, the things we think are realistic, and the things that we have control over. conversations that ended in, 'if we simply act responsibly, then it will all work out'. things that we can control, we simply ensure that the smartest move possible.
it's left my mind reeling. whether it be from being stressed at work, sick and exhausted constantly, trying to fit a million things into my days, because i can't imagine missing out on another friend's wedding/engagement party/wedding shower/hangout... any one of these potential disappointments, in addition to the responsible things i was doing all day long in a 9-5. the overwhelming sense of stress and exhaustion meant time spent with a mind going a million miles a minute.
what does one think about when completely and utterly overwhelmed, as well as having thoughts of conversations on the brain?
my whole life i have been the smart one. the responsible one. i’ve made all the right decisions - the decisions that were financially responsible, future oriented, and safe. logic. it’s all about logic. ‘i could do that, but here are the reasons i shouldn't. here are the reasons it wouldn't make sense. here are the reasons i should do this instead’. and through all that, my heart was left knocking, likely saying, ‘hello! what about me?? when do i get to do what i want to do?’
and maybe it’s for those reasons that i love to travel alone. it gives me a chance to sit, think, and make decisions based on heart. no one will know the outcome, and at the end of the day, i get another day to try again. if i experience failure, i get to try all over again, and no one will know the difference. i can leave that part out of the story i tell upon my return from vacation. it gives me the chance to do what i want, without the responsibility of being the responsible oldest child that i’ve been my entire life.
unfortunately, you can’t let your heart go so long without any attention (or solely the attention you give it while travelling alone on vacation 3 months a year), or it becomes numb and immobile. at some point, your heart says enough. enough is enough. i’m taking over. and suddenly, those small tastes of heart based decision making that you’ve allowed yourself on lone vacations, start infiltrating your day-to-day. they start seeping into your waking decisions, your work decisions, and your social decisions. they start stopping you in your steps, and making you reconsider things you've done for years, and years, and years. suddenly, the life you’ve been living seems to be logical, methodical, planned.... and entirely not what you truly want.
so at what point in life do we throw caution to the wind, and start deciding on things that make us truly happy? what is it about the future that causes an innate fear? what prevents us from taking those giants leaps, giant steps? why are we afraid of picking ourselves up, admitting we made a wrong decision, and dusting ourselves off to move forward?
and when the only consideration that was beginning to keep me from making my decision, was 'what will i do when i arrive?'; 'what will my job be?'; 'how will i be defined?'... that's when i knew - whatever it was, i would figure it out. the job would come. for the first time in my life, i was going to just do something because my heart told me to.
so who knows what it will be. it definitely won't be a responsible job - it won't be a 9-5 (for now); it won't be a high paying job, or a job that comes with benefits (though, those would be nice coincidences). instead, i'm looking for fun. i'm looking for a mental break... and most of all, i'm looking for something that gives me time for myself, gives me time for things that make me happy, and time for things that i love.
[next: the one where i reflect on what i'm taking with me and thoughts about 'things' in the process.]
