my holiday (not necessarily just weekend) in summary

and i'll be brief. because there's so much to say, and so few words that can say it.

leather wine markers for erin - happy christmas gifts!; me, taking Christmas gifts VERY seriously; a half ass wrap job, ready to go for hangouts with jamie squared; cards against humanity on saturday night; some reading material and wool socks on Christmas day; syncing the new iPad ("i'm not a businessman; i'm a business, man"); miracles; boxing day shopping; colouring with the cousins. 

this holiday went as follows: hang out with friends all week before the holiday: monday - erin for knitting lessons; tuesday - jeff and then my sister; wednesday - erin for pizza at libretto and talk of life; thursda - alicia for love actually... because it's our holiday tradition; friday - alex from thailand, then back to waterdown for hangouts with my friends from church (becoming an annual tradition). then sleep, then back and forth for family stuff between my house, and jeff's house. lots of last minute shopping, then a saturday night hangout with friends for the holidays. then sunday meant breakfast at home, then gifts and spending some time with jeff's family before heading to gma's for Christmas eve. Christmas was crazy with opening gifts, a TOTALLY unexpected and overwhelming surprise, and then a huge family dinner - as well as our yearly movie standing date (mostly to get out of doing the dishes after dinner). then boxing day brought early morning shopping, then a trip out to see my cousin, her husband, and her kids, and my aunt and uncle for some hangout, some colouring, and some chili. then back to gma's for our traditional boxing day chinese food feast with the whole family.... and a meeting with the newest shea - my cousin's son dean (a year old in 2 weeks!). then, i hopped back into my car, and drove through the blizzard home, to be in bed at 10:30 for work today.

PHEW. 

hope everyone's holiday break was lovely and wonderful, and SOMEONE got some rest in (because i sure didn't). we are so lucky to have family. i hope it never slows down.

"it is a miracle if you can find true friends, and it is a miracle if you have enough food to eat, and it is a miracle if you get to spend your days and evenings doing whatever it is you like to do, and the holiday season - like all the other seasons - is a good time not only to tell stories of miracles, but to think about the miracles in your own life, and to be grateful for them"

- lemony snicket, the lump of coal

merry Christmas

today is a day for family. happiness. health. food. laughter. and in my family, musical hats, and pajamas almost all day.

i hope today is perfect for everyone... filled will happiness, and warmth that we should embrace all year round.

to you, and yours. 

'twas the night before....

it is my family tradition to spend Christmas with my grandma. we stuff stockings, watch sports and movies, and mostly just hang out in sweatpants and slippers. and you can bet, that's exactly what i'm doing right now.

and how wonderful it is.

photo via daniella marie's blog

i wish you all a wonderful evening, and hope you are spending time with loved ones.
happy eve my friends.

remembering pete.

today, it's been exactly

four months

since i lost a dear friend.

and i think, for the first time in those 4 months, i'm ready to talk about it.

pete was in a bike accident on my birthday - 2 blocks away from where i was holding a drink and wearing a birthday crown. he was found on the sidewalk, and taken to the hospital, where he was in a coma for exactly 2 weeks.... and his family sat by his side for those 14 days. when time was passing, with pete in a coma, it became evident how much people cared - thousands of people wore ties every monday, to show support. it was beautiful and heartbreaking to see photos posted of entire kindergarten classes wearing paper ties, and learning bicycle safety in his honour - thinking that they were supporting a man who would wake up, and be better.

then, on september 21st, pete passed away - his injuries were too much to recover from, and he never woke up. our worlds shattered.

one week later, bike advocacy groups help a memorial bike ride in his honour, and placed a white ghost bike at the site of the accident.... and it was the first time i had been back to the location since he crashed. it was cathartic. needed.

life changes quickly.

the weekend i found out he had passed, i spent the majority of the weekend in bed. i called friends to let them know what had happened. i slowly i couldn't make sense of any of it. i was conflicted, as pete and i had dated a few times, and our relationship was different than that of simply a friend. a friend who you didn't see or speak to constantly. a friend who you had different memories of - both good and bad. and, a friend who i wasn't sure how to miss. i spent the whole weekend trying to figure it out.

pete and i; my personalized weekly bad drawing and memories of pete

the next weekend - which happened to be the weekend of the memorial and homecoming at the school we went together - was spent doing university type things. friends and i spent time in places we frequented in university together.... and all of it was shaded in an overwhelming feeling of loss. people avoided speaking of him - and yet, we all skirted around it, acknowledging that we all felt the hole in our hearts where he normally would have been dancing, while wearing a bathrobe.

there's nothing that compares to losing a friend. nothing that compares to the sudden and tragic death of a person your age. someone who lived a life similar to your own. someone who could - for all intents and purposes - have been you. thoughts stream through your mind, like, '

what was the last thing we talked about,' and 'what do i wish i said to them?' - all the things we always think when we lose someone we care for. the troubling thing about losing a friend is, how to deal with the loss of them in your life. how to deal with that gap that is left. 

"you feel an immense sense of guilt for laughter, happiness, or any seemingly menial feeling that you may feel. in the first moments - whether it be days, or weeks, or years - there are moments when you forget the world's loss, and you laugh. and the amount of guilt you feel when you laugh overwhelms you. you promise you will feel only feelings that are distraught for the rest of your life. you think of nothing but them. the thought of the world without them, and how each piece of your life together can't possibly ever be the same. you think of how you can't possibly laugh, smile, think or cry without them there to do so with you. you are angry with the world - when you see people walking around as though nothing has changed. do they not know what the world has lost? the moment they were lost was the moment the world changed, and those people around you - coworkers, disconnected friends, and even strangers - don't seem to care." (on losing a friend)

and yet, you know that what is much worse, are those family members who are living without them too. those parents who lost a son. the brother who lost his best friend. the nieces and nephews who lost an uncle. 

my memorial contribution; white bike;  in memory;  a reminder (by photographer martin ho - set here)

i walk by the place where he was found almost daily. it's about 3 blocks from my house. my landlord forces me past it on our evening walks, to come to terms with the location, and it's place in my life. i pass places we had been together often - toronto will never be the same for me, or the other people who cared for him. all those who pained in his loss came in a flood when he passed - by his friends, his family, his students. scholarships in his honour. a memorial bike ride, and ghost bike. people came together to share stories of pete, memories, and absorbed everything they could, in his passing, to ensure none of them - none of us - would forget.

why does this all come today? why is it all front of mind, weighing so heavily on me recently?

this Christmas, pete's family spends their first without him. i can't imagine how empty it will feel.... and i can only imagine the pain they will encounter when they wake up without him in a few days.

and yet - because this is true of his family - they will smile. they will laugh in his honour. they will share photos, and stories, and eat homemade salsa and likely large amounts of meat (as pete thoroughly enjoyed - president of the university's first 'meat eaters club'). they will savoir in those things, to ensure the day is not shrouded in sadness.

so i'll do the same. i'll bask in what i have around me - my family, my friends, my dear grandma, cousins, uncles and aunts. and i ask that you do the same.

i shared this song before... a few times actually, and once within the context of my entry about losing friends (interestingly timed). and it's true. all of it. it's perfectly written. and embedded in grief and sadness. and yet, hopeful. someone else gets it.

Some roads that you take | Some bonds we'll choose to break | I swore I'd no long be the pallbearer | But I carried you to bed | So you could rest your head | You were taking off a load, heavy drinking | The world it carries on | Your memories and song | And your pictures on my wall, are not forgotten | There was hymns that came from mouths | That turned crosses upside down | But it came through their teeth with great ease | And all are bobbing heads in sync | And all have got a lot on their minds to think about | But you carry on in pictures and in song | And the unmade be you slept in | Where I laid you down to rest one last time | Goodbye, dear friend, Goodbye, dear friend | Some stories break your heart | And some with such applaud | Buried deep inside, where it's ok to cry | Some boy's won't shed a tear | Oh, but I tell it like this here | It can break down and get me where it hurts the most | And all are bobbing heads in sync | And all have got a lot on their minds to think about | But you carry on in pictures and in song | And the unmade be you slept in | Where I laid you down to rest one last time | Goodbye, dear friend, Goodbye, dear friend | But you carry on in pictures and in song | And the unmade be you slept in | Where I laid you down to rest one last time | Goodbye, dear friend, Goodbye, dear friend

i know. i know.

this blog has been fluff lately. 

though i'm sure you all love music, and fashion, and holiday gift guides, i am here to acknowledge that i have given you nothing of substance in almost 2 months (what?!). i know. i know. i'm a disaster. this holiday season has not been kind, and i'm no good at saying 'no', or doing things in appreciation of myself.
but i will say this - i've spent lots of time with friends, and people who are very important to me. some conflict that has been a long time building took a step in the right direction - a big, huge, large, relieving step. lots of jewelry was sold and money was made. my apartment has been purged, and is on it's way to being cleared out for new beginnings.
and yet, there's so much more to do. unnecessary and unneeded things to be sold (i'm doing a life purge - major life purge); online shops to be reorganized, rebranded, and set in motion; branding to be finalized and photographed; relationships to be worked on; friends to be visited and called and written to; lists to be made, and then completed. so much to do. such a full life to live.

via

so, despite the emptiness of meaning on this blog as of late, and its lacking in substantial grit, i promise you that life has been filled with it. filled to the brim - it's often exhausting and i'm not sure i'm ever prepared for it, BUT i can't possibly complain about loving people in my life SO much, that i need to spend all of my free time with them (and then make more free time to make jewelry and clean, when i should be sleeping - oops!).
and i will say this - lots of things are coming. life changes. big changes. and i promise that i've got a head full of introspective things that are bursting at the seams to come out. so please - bear with me through the holidays, and forgive me for the (nearly) 2 months of shallow things. i promise - depth is returning shortly.
as an, 'i'm sorry, don't hate me' present (ha!) here are handy dandy links to when i actually had something important to say.

the escape to life   //   a perfect storm   //   a life we wish we could control   //   standing still, moving quickly   //   the truth will make or break us

hey friend? can these keep you occupied for a teensy while? if not.... fine. i understand. so go HERE. that'll keep you busy!

cute things   //   more cute things - but with CATS   //   things you should read because other people wanted to   //   political GIFs - what will they think of next??   //   oh wait. they thought of it. more GIFs (not political)   //   when westboro church got SERVED (like, 35 times even! and by the KKK)

you're welcome.