what happens when your life becomes a bit overwhelming.

so, i barely wrote this week. 
it was a weird feeling.... this sort of absence, with a sense of guilt. as though i owed something, to someone, and would be able to repay that debt with keystrokes, turned into letters, turned into words, turned into paragraphs, turned into stories. as though the world would be angry if i didn't write my feelings on a specific photography site, or art project, or a set of watches i loved (and to be fair - i WAS drooling over some watches this week).
but what is it about a blog - an online presence - that turns us (has turned me) into such a narcissist? as though the world - readers, friends, strangers - need to know what i'm doing at every second of every day. as though people are sitting at home, lost without my written word, and my thoughts on the celtics game last night, or some witty response to a whiskey company tweeting me.
it's all nothing.
i did spend this week being productive. very productive. productive in ways that stole my attention from writing. no writing here, no writing on my other blog (which i'm behind on posting my daily writing), and no writing in my notebooks i have littered around my apartment, my car, my purses, bags, and desk at work. instead, i spent my time working (right.... that thing that i have called a 9-5 job..... blech). i spent my time designing jewelry and cards for a friend. i spent the week doing graphic design in the form of some posters for workshops at a green store that i'm teaching a workshop at in a few weeks. i spent the week writing letters to friends (ok - so my week was not completely void of writing). i cleaned, tidied, purged, and read. yes friends - i. read. books.
it was all rather magical. i even scoped out the internet, for jewelry inspiration, design and type face inspiration, and for general interest - caught up on blogs i hadn't read in a while, etc. and you know what? i spent that time really reading what was on the screen.... not simply scanning to see if it were something i could blog about.
i should defend my mind at this point - i love this blog. i've spoken to those concerns before, and i dare not risk the idea that ANYONE think that i would quit, as this is nothing close to a burden for me. i love writing in this blog, i love hearing from friends that they read this blog, and i love being able to catalogue my loves, wants, dreams, and thoughts in one place. there are few things i take more pride in, than this blog.
side story: someone rather important to me, asked me this weekend, 'if you could make jewelry for the rest of your life as a career, would you?'. my immediate response was 'yes - absolutely.' and yet, it sent me for a bit of a tailspin. as though i didn't realize this before. but what's stopping me?
this is all to say.....
this week i didn't write. 
and man. it felt good. i have been feeling overwhelmed. stressed. perhaps even slightly depressed sad. contemplating the next month, 6 months, year, 5 years of your life is a heavy thing. and at the end of the day, i want to fill my time with things that provide me with value. that make me smile.
and this week.... this week it felt good to have the option to make the choice to not write.
so, for that, you get a verbose entry, lacking the typical photos that are quite characteristic of this blog. but for now, that's ok. this week, that's ok. it's what i need. it's what i needed. and perhaps you all needed a break too.
so instead of writing, i made jewelry. and i was happy.
and i'm refreshed. and i want to write again. (obviously, or this entry would not have come). so i will. 
thanks for listening. reading. not judging. not bailing. and not thinking i'm a narcissist. 
just thank you.



my (long, may 2-4) weekend in summary

this weekend was a whirlwind, with lots of driving, lots of birthday celebrating, lots of sunny waterfilled cottage time, and lots and lots of laughing.
the birthday girl gets a dog candle, a rousing chorus, and presents a birthday speech; our friend for the weekend – spicebox. if you’ve never had it, get on it. The whiskey you can drink straight; dinner the first night – breakfast foods, in place for the forgotten burgers, sausages, and chicken; setting up the net; just about as intense as the badminton games became; fishing at the lake; trilliums everywhere; the epitome of canadiana – mill street, trilliums, and whiskey; badass who picked the trillium – breaking the law daily; the boat-de-resistance; fishing off the boat in the sun; a bit of reading and beverages – life is good; the amazing water; recreating photos of cardboard me (see below) received from friends from a distance; playing catch with sun lounging supplies off the deck; attempting to light citronella candles without matches; conversation and kings; snacks that remind me of jake. 
thursday: though not actually part of the weekend, we started the celebrations with a friend's 30th birthday party... or, as she referred to it, 'back by popular demand, birthday 29!'. after work i headed home, made a necklace and card for her, had a few drinks with erin while we did our nails in prep for the weekend, and then headed over to the birthday shindig. and, while i forgot the fantastic outfit that erin had provided (leather pants and bedazzled tops - oh my!), gillian (the birthday girl) helped me out. there were snacks and her dog, and dancing. a great night.
friday: unfortunately, turns out i wasn't completely healed from my migraine/vomiting escapade from wednesday, and though i went to a client meeting early in the morning, i knew i would have to come home to rest. i missed the rest of my work day to spend the first day of my holiday weekend alternating between my bed (sleeping for 6 hours), and the washroom (throwing up). I finally woke up and dragged myself out of bed at 8:30, finished packing, and headed to waterdown. arrived at my friend's place, and went nearly straight to bed, after a hot tub to fix the back and stomach.
saturday: woke up early, and headed out after stopping to grab a tea and breakfast for the road. spent the hours on the road listening to deer tick (to get ready for the concert on june 11th!), first aid kit, bon wer (otherwise known as bon iver), feist, and other good mixed 'tapes' (*ahem... cds) for the road. finally, approaching bancroft, called the friends we were meeting to come into the grocery store for our weekend shopping. when we arrived, we unpacked and settled, and got in our summer clothes (as the temperature was RIDICULOUSLY hot) and hung out outside - including a long fantastic boat ride in the sun, with a few naps on the deck. when we arrived home, we played some outside 'sports' until the mosquitoes were too much to bear. since we were all hungry, we prepped to make dinner... until we realized that though we got all of our groceries we actually forgot main meals (chicken, sausages, hamburgers) - so breakfast for dinner it was. we made a huge meal, cleaned up, and then played 'things in a box' until bedtime.
sunday: woke up late-ish, and lounged a bit (ahhhhh long weekends). the day then consisted of: a big breakfast eaten on the porch; a boat ride to the closed store in the hopes of obtaining burgers and sausages (fail); lounging in the boat; fishing; reading; getting to speak with my friends who were participating in 2nd annual mini olympics, far far away (see below) and hearing VERY exciting news; some general hanging out and talking; perhaps a beer or two. we stopped and made dinner when (again) the mosquitoes were too much for us. a schmorgasboard ensued (without main meals, you have to get creative!) and lots more card games and laughing. the last 2 (me!) were in bed by 11:30. wild night.
monday: woke up late (ish) again. after crawling out of bed (in denial that it was our last day), we wandered around, cleaning up and tidying things like the boat cover, etc. a couple of lake showers were participated in as well. made a good breakfast of leftovers, and sandwiches for the road, and after a bit of procrastination, headed out to face the traffic home. after a 5 hour drive - filled with amazing landscapes of trees, and rest stops filled with high school kids - we made it home. went for a car wash (as i need to sell my car, and it was a good excuse to get it done!), then a lounge in the backyard, then a bbq dinner to enjoy the remaining sun on the weekend. i finally headed back to toronto at about 9, and was in bed by 10. exhausted. long weekends take a lot!
meanwhile, while i was galavanting at the cottage with friends, my cardboard cutout was hanging out with another group of friends who i couldn't be with... and i was sent these photos.
photos from our previous annual hangout made for a perfect jamie cutout - because goodness knows, i would be throwing gang signs if i were there anyways. and they had a little bit of fun with cardboard jamie (i was told i was a lot less mouthy, and a lot more agreeable than usual).
when i was getting my phone call from the lovely amazing group of people below who are some of my closest friends in the world, i was being waved back to the cottage party by the other friends i was with. when i arrived back, with photos of 'me' at the party, and stories of exciting news, they looked at me and said, "wow. your friends really like you." and i agree. i have the best friends in the world.
hope everyone had a fantastic weekend. i'm still recovering from my cardboard cutout sports. i wish the cottage weekend wasn't over!

i can't pack.


i was born without the packing gene.
literally. I am not exaggerating. more to come on that, while I struggle with footwear and hair products for NYC in june. but for now, I'm still rolling my eyes at myself for my ottawa road (train) trip clothing choices. out of 24 pieces of clothing that I packed (yes - 24), I wore 9. so, I'm determined to get better. first stop: packing for a cottage weekend. I'm the queen of wearing the same thing day after day. listen - at a cottage, if it's comfy, then who cares? I'll be at a campfire, in a boat, walking through the woods, and so on. who needs fancy outfit changes every 5 minutes? so, I'm determined to cut it down, and manage with 1 bag. no computer (gasp!). 1 book. 3 cameras (sorry - that can't be helped). and then, the clothes.
so, what is one to pack for the perfect (long) weekend cottage trip?
cottage rec


vitals. necessities.
sweatpants   //   underwear (but really - if i don't write this, i forget)   //   bathing suits   //   wool socks   //   birkenstocks   //   sandals   //   running/hiking shoes   //   sweater   //   jean shorts   //   3 tank tops   //   pants   //   long sleeve tee   //   hat   //   sunglasses   //   scarf   

we are all imperfectionists

i recently tore through the book 'the imperfectionists' by tom rachman. and, i rarely say this... but. stunning. my dear friend cole lent it to me, saying i needed to read it. and, him being the one who hooked me on chuck palahniuk, i knew i could trust his judgement.
at the most basic level, it's a book of short stories surrounding an english language newspaper in rome - each story written about the personalities of the members of the newspaper staff. the stories are brief, and yet the depth of each character provides such a strong basis for the reason you find your heart being pulled as the book comes to its final pages - along with the newspapers decline.
the characters are tragic and real. human and wonderful. you love and despise them, and yet, you only are allowed 1 chapter each with them. i wanted more. but perhaps that was what held me so tightly. you get to know each character, and then alternatingly, you learn about their piece of the newspaper puzzle, and the thing that ties them all together. i found similarities to 'haunted' by chuck - perhaps only in that short stories were brought together with narrative between chapters - but i liked it.
i read this book in 2 days. i couldn't stop - i was engaged entirely. the ideas embodied by the characters he imagines are stunning - and true. the insecurities, and manipulations of humans are so apparent. he manages somehow to reflect both sides of the personality coin in most of the interactions and scenarios as well - a woman being cheated on, and a woman cheating. and yet, each character manages to hold onto a sympathetic nerve that we all have.
longlisted for the 2010 scotiabank giller prize, this book was the product of rachman sitting down in front of a computer after having a moment of panic when turning 30, and finally telling himself he had to do it. admiration, i have. he is a gem, and this book is the product of hard work, and quite clearly honed journalism, and a love for narration and fiction. i loved it. i'd read it again - many times. i fell in love.
my favourite quotes from the book:
“You can’t dread what you can’t experience. The only death we experience is that of other people. That’s as bad as it gets. And that’s bad enough, surely.”
"You know, there's that silly saying 'We're born alone and we die alone' -it's nonsense. We're surrounded at birth and surrounded at death. It is in between that we're alone.”  
“What's remarkable about fiction is that it places you in the unusual position of having no trajectory. You stand aside, motives abandoned for the duration. The characters have the trajectories now, while you just observe. And this stirs compassion that, in real life, is so often obscured by our own motives.”
“We enjoy this illusion of continuity, and we call it memory. Which explains, perhaps, why our worst fear isn’t the end of life but the end of memories.”
read. this. book. i swear to you, you will not be disappointed.
photos from:   fucinemute   //   scotiabank giller prize