i'm spending this weekend at my university's homecoming. it's a big one, as it's in celebration of the school's 100th birthday... and the funny thing is, i'm not even going for the typical homecoming schenanigans.
a good friend who i donned with in 4th year just bought a house with her fiancé, so another don-friend and I are going for the night. We did the same thing last year, and I expect there will be a lot of bambino and lots of good conversations, and even more laughter. I’m then planning to go to the football game on the Saturday, and then hang out with my roommate from first year, and my dear friend (her now husband), as she is pregnant, and I want to spend some time with her before her life becomes hectic! Sunday I’m spending with a friend, and then seeing my little munchkins – including the new baby addition to the family.
Hope everyone has a cram packed weekend full of people they love spending time with – like me!
i saw this movie trailer.
And I had a hurt.
Not simultaneously. But when they had both finished, all I could think of were the two. Beside one another. Together, complimenting, and painfully combining into one experience.
I – without intention, or even want – fell into a long distance relationship. It started out of a negative situation… support in the way of a friend, when it was much needed. Long phone calls, lots of soul searching, and millions of texts in which that friend helped try to decipher situation after situation.
And then one night - when I had probably had a bit to drink, but was simply in a place that boosted my confidence – I blurted it out. “if you and I lived in the same city, I would be falling in love with you”.
It was inexplicable. I couldn’t hold it in, but I knew I wasn’t ready for what would come from that. (there’s my lack of impulse control – really helping make my life easier on a daily basis).
It turned into something much more… speaking about our feelings for one another, and how we fell into one another’s lives. Laughing every day about us, eachother, ourselves, friends, anecdotes from our days. Sending packages in the mail with gifts, notes, anything to let the other know we were thinking of them. We spoke all day, everyday. Multiple phone calls, thousands of text messages, emails, and any other form of communication we could muster, in order to forge this bond that we intrinsically felt. The frenzied phone calls, the late nights, and early departures to talk to that person on the phone. The 6 hour phone calls, and falling asleep on the phone. The planning for visits, the organizing life around talking, emailing, etc. the person on the other end – who, at the end of the day, was 5,024 miles away.
What became obvious was, that I wasn’t ready. I was heartbroken, and not ready for another relationship. I wasn’t ready for the love that the person on the other side of the phone was ready to give. I hated myself, I was unsure I was even worthy of being loved. And so I pushed. And to be clear – it is much easier to push away, when the person is already physically at a distance. He fought an uphill battle. I was scared. I was scared of what it meant – did it mean I was ready for all of those things I said I never wanted? Did it mean that I would have to give up my life for someone in another city – and move there? Did it mean alternatively that if I didn’t give my life up, he would have to give his up – and was I ready for someone to whole-heartedly commit to me, so as to pick up their life, and move to me? I wasn’t sure I deserved that - in my mind, i didn't deserve someone like him, to love someone like me.
I pushed, and pushed away… between 5 visits, tens of thousands of texts, hundreds of phone calls, and even more emails, I pushed. I kept my hand out, and he kept coming at me. I’m not sure what it that holds our walls up – what it is about love, and ourselves that causes us to fear the millions of potential outcomes, not giving us a fair shot at what could be? But in the end, it is the uncertainty that cracks the foundation – the unwillingness to throw caution to the wind, and just jump foot first. The inability to trust that in the end, it will all be ok.
And then you begin to say those things that you don’t mean, but you think are ‘right’. ‘let’s see other people’; ‘don’t move to me, it couldn’t possibly work’; ‘stop doing these things for me, if they hurt too much to come unreciprocated’. So you do. You both just stop.
you stop calling, emailing, texting. stops reaching out, and caring. that's when they start moving on, or torturing themself with thoughts of what happened, and what they did wrong. and they are not at fault.
And that’s when you realize that you’ve made a mistake.
What I failed to realize through all of this – all of the pushing, fighting against the current, negligence in the way of my feelings – was that I was in love. I had fallen in love, and I had no control over it. And instead of embrace it, and be with someone who loved the true me, I fought, because I didn’t want to only person who had felt that way about me – the real me – to turn around and fall out of love. That would be a far worse feeling – for him to confirm that he didn’t love the true me, for him to confirm that the true me wasn’t worth loving.
Bu I didn’t realize until it was too late. Timing was off. Again.
i was losing the most important thing in my life - my best friend, my companion, and a person who i thought so highly of, i wasn't sure what to make of the feelings i had. but it was too late. and he moves on. with pain in his heart, and lots of tears, he tells you that if it weren't for the uncertainty that defined our entire time 'together', he would be ok. but he's not. He needs time and space, for now.
and so - you either hurt, or you both have to move forward.
what is the option? new people come into your life. You (both) take new ones in, as a distraction to the various forces preventing your lifestyles from meshing with one another. In reality, those people don’t mean much. You smile, but not as hard as with the first. You laugh, but not in the same way as you did when laughing with that one. You enjoy the closeness of another person, but the entire time, your mind is filled with their face. It’s useless, and yet needed to show you that there is life without them.
But you realize that there may not be.
This movie came at a perfect time for me.
like. crazy. (imdb and website).
our goodbye to one another. couldn't be much more of a coincidence.
and it all culminated into a giant painting of what was, what could have been, what has been, and what would be. the tears, the heartbreak, the fleeting moments of happiness that made it all worth it. “I thought I understood it, but I didn’t. only the idea of it. Of you and me. I thought I understood it, but I didn’t. not really. Only the smudgness of it. The eagerness of it. The idea of it. Of you and me.”
“what have you been doing?”; “waiting for you”
When she says those words that hurt to say, but you think they are the right thing at the time… (at 1:12). and the moment in his face that says so much (at 1:18).
Her face (at 1:48) is heart wrenchingly truthful. and the lack of emotion, and the space pregnant with her mindless devotion to another (at 1:53) when he kisses her…….
these are all moments in time captured in truth by this movie. though for different reasons, the hurt is the same.
i read this article on heartbreak. in essence, it concluded that the pain of heartbreak is real. that these things that we can't control - like distance, emotion, longing, pain, fear, and everything else that comes together in these situations - are what make us feel. and that feeling doesn't come from meaningless interactions. they come from those moments that resonate within you, and leave shards of glass waiting for you to love again.
“I sit here and wonder if you'll ever understand just how much of me belongs to you.”
(Ps. I don’t know the end of this movie, but judging by the summaries and movie plots noted on the TIFF website, and other various media facets… I don’t want to know. )
so why isn't just love enough? why is it that we are looking for ways to make our relationships (both friendships and romantic) easier? with advances in technology, we always assume that the distance that has grown between us all becomes easier - in fact, is it that we are setting ourselves up for failure, in our hope that love/friendship/technology is enough?
i had brunch and coffee with a friend on sunday - she was talking about a boy she has had a bit of a whirlwind courtship with, between whom it is very clear there is a strong connection for the 2 of them. she said to me, 'i don't want to be that creepy girl, but - i move! i want to at least give this a try! why am i not enough? why is love just not enough?". i had no answer. i was the wrong person to be asking, because while i just spent a weekend with two of my dear friends who maintained a very long distance relationship (LA and Toronto) for a long time, only to end up marrying, i also constantly think of this situation. where i wasn't enough - love wasn't enough. it needed/needs work. we needed/need work. and sacrifice. and change.
i also think i learned - and communicated this to her - that those sacrifices are ones you will be willing to make at some point. and you want someone who is willing to make them for you. and, if they offer (i.e. if they offer to move to your city, to give 'us' a fair shot at love), then don't be stupid - take it.
so I hope and pray, and I do truly believe, that things in my life - in general, in work, in love, in friendships - will work out how they are meant to. they will end the way the movie is supposed to end. and that means something to me – and I know what I want that ending to be, and I know what I’m 98% sure that ending will be, but I’ve learned that life isn’t always what you hope, want, or long for. Instead, it’s realistic, brutal and honest. I just know that if I didn’t throw myself in, I would never know the truth. Life is too short (though cliché), to have left without saying ‘I love you’. And I mean it. I really do. And I know how my life is meant to end, I just hope that the pieces align in the way that they are meant to – I hope that egos, pains, heartbreaks and the past don’t get in my way to you.
he once said to me… “I wish there was no distance between us. No mountains. No prairies. Just a road down the street to you”.
20 best twenty - curated by the LOVELY meg – created a designer spotlight last week on twitter and tumblr. every hour on the hour, they featured a new designer. An amazing way to showcase tons of designers at once… fingers crossed one day you’ll see re:claim, or thackeray’s vanity right up there.
Some of my favourites:
1. Missibaba Missibaba is an accessory design label Chloe Townsend. Based in South Africa. tons of great bags in their shop, handmade in South Africa, utilizing the materials, and resources surrounding them.
cha ching bag
workhorse bag
loving cha ching bag in pale tan leather with "turtle" pattern stitching and workhorse bag in dark skies striped canvas with leather trim.
2. pi'lo
love these goods from designers pi’lo in Toronto - everything handmade in Toronto by heather shaw, and her team. Love the simplicity, and cleanliness of her stuff. tons of goodies on her etsy.
we give good presents - some x-rated pre-wedding fun with our coworker; coleo cutting his cake; Cole and Matthew DeZoete playing piano and singing at the party; cole makes a speech to his mom at his makeshift (cardbord) podium; just a little reminder of the disaster that is my life; table setting at la merceria that i wanted to remember... because it's just plain beautiful. Friday: my intent was to hang out with a friend, and then meet up with another friend (and his friends) at a bar near my place. After working at a food distribution project at a church at Bloor and St George, my friend decided she wasn’t up for hanging out, so I headed home. probably best – as I managed to get all my laundry done (I lead a very exciting life). While en route, I bumped into my landlord, who had an equally awful week to me (more on that soon), and after a moment of exhaustive venting, we decided it would be best to just spend the night together. We ended up hanging out until the wee hours, including once her fiancé (my other landlord) arrived home with his friend. This included a heavy discussion on native rights and responsibilities in Canada, lots of cheese (that I can eat!), and maybe a few glasses of wine. Didn’t end up meeting up with my friend, but still was up until about 2am. Saturday: woke up late, and hung out in bed for awhile. Once I finally got up, made some breakfast for a friend and I (eggs! Yay! I love having non-vegan food I can eat!) – albeit a late breakfast (i.e. 2pm), and hung out for a bit, before heading over to my friend Cole’s surprise birthday party. Though I arrived late (I didn’t want to be the one to ruin it, when he was walking in!), so nice to see his parents, his friends, and his lovely gf abby who I adore. We celebrated at the pour house, and then a few of us moved to sneaky dees (obviously), for some food and beer - and heavy discussions on fort building (i love forts). I then headed home, and simply did a few things online that have been stacking up (some research for new and exciting things), and just relaxed. Sunday: woke up, showered, and met my dear friend steph for breakfast at ‘our place’ – sadie’s – for peanut butter bananan chocolate smoothies, and vegan brunch. We then got coffee at la merceria and sat, and talked, for a long time. afterwards, I brought steph up to bloor west, to her friend’s new place, and we sat and talked more. After they left to go for dinner, I went ot my friend’s place, to watch football, and work on some other online stuff – including updating the re:claim big cartel store, as well as working for 4 hours from home on actual work. Ugh. The patriots lost, too. Worst.
Hope everyone had a fantastic weekend – the weather was amazing, and fall is the perfect time to enjoy the last remaining outside weekends!
