i can only apologize for the madness, so much.

It’s no secret to anyone who knows anything about me, that I love sports. I grew up in the ultimate sports household – parents who played sports constantly growing up, met because my dad ejected my mom from a basketball game for being too rough (though my mom will deny that to the death), and continued to raise their 3 daughters on sports - and believing they could play with the boys. our childhood movies were less warm and fuzzy, and more ‘league of their own’, ‘little giants’, and ‘sandlot’. a LOT of the sandlot. we all played sports constantly growing up – my sisters focused on their intense hockey team play, as well as lacrosse in the off season, and some dabbling in baseball, soccer, dance, ultimate frisbee etc. I focused on basketball, and also did the whole soccer, baseball, dance, routine. my dad still plays hockey – at almost 60 – and my mom ran marathons and has been active for as long as I can remember. one year, as our family photo, we were dressed in our various sports uniforms, and posed holding our respective props – me in my bball uniform, with a basketball poised on my knee.

we’ve all had injuries – concussions, swelling, etc (my sisters); broken limbs and joints, sprains, strains and knee injuries (me). We’ve cried over loses and celebrated big wins. We’ve hated coaches, and loved teammates. And the other way around. We have stayed up all night to watch games, championships, or even just a sports movie or two (the number of exam procrastination I did with the movie ‘rookie of the year’ is beyond counting). We’ve organized parties, celebrations and important events around important sports moments – postponed birthdays, or other family events due to huge games. We all have team Canada hockey jersey’s with our names on the back – vital for any true Canadian sports family. I have more team jerseys than I have blazers – which, according to my own fashion advice in this article – is a LOT.
This is all to say, my family eats, breathes, and sleeps sports. Super Bowl is our Thanksgiving. Stanley Cup is our Easter. olympics? oh boy…. don’t even try to get through to my parent’s house on the phone. our family events are usually to sporting events like basketball, baseball or lacrosse games.
and for me? March Madness is like the second coming of Christ (wait… third? Anyways…). EVERY. YEAR. As a basketball player throughout high school, and a coach all the way from grade 9 to the end of university, it’s my thing. And when March Madness comes? My life is good.
For 2.5 weeks in March, I am in heaven. Literally. Basketball running almost 24/7. Upsets, Cinderella stories, injuries. It. All. Happens. Here.

this is what my computer screen looks like for the entire tournament. refresh. refresh. refresh.

so first off, to you non-sports fans (or those who are simply not interested): I apologize. I apologize for the tweets, the facebook statuses and chats. I apologize that my entire life is focused on basketball for this moment in time. I promise you, I will attempt to fill some time with fashion, music, thoughts, to distract you from my incessant chirping on twitter (not even a pun I intended for… but I’ll take that one!) about rivalries, bracket busters, etc. I will do my best. And when it’s all done? I PROMISE I will make it up to you. I won’t talk (much) about sports for awhile. Ish.
for those who understand the madness: thank you. please. engage in the trash talking with me. I love every second of it. and I can guarantee you, I am watching the scores CONSTANTLY. we can chat team strengths, predicted winners, 5/12 upsets… and I will emphasize how much I HATE Syracuse (which makes for a difficult household, as my sister is an Orangeman freak).

and for those who want to follow along, but don’t know much about it? here’s my bracket. you can pretend it’s yours. highlight the winners, and follow the games. I promise you this – one game knockout tournaments? the best way to play a sport.

I love this game.

and ps. I have missouri to win. if they win, I will have pulled off one of the biggest shocker brackets, known to mankind. the more likely winner? Ohio State. but what the hell. March Madness comes but once a year.

my (sick/injured and filled with football) weekend in summary

great weekend... though things did not go as i had planned.

brady – ready to go; our grocery shop – really important food groups, and the super looper game; meeting our first university nephew for the first time – the boys; our little nugget; speaking with our long distance love all the way from Norway; our game faces; the blowout; the boys who helped me through university - J3; little sleepy heads; dance party! (ish); our new game - marbleshooting at a bunch of spots for the marbles to land in (the name leaves a bit to be desired, but 'super loopers' wasn't working for us) ; cheers - to us. to longevity in friendship, to costain for coming so far, to cait and matty and their little nugget, and to everyone for doing the holiday party year after year after year, and continuously making it a priority.

Friday: after a LONG day at work, I met a few colleagues for drinks at the rex. Just a few drinks to balance the day of crazy. Then, I headed home, grabbed a few things, and went out to my friend Erin’s place for dinner. We grabbed a few groceries, and then made mini gnocchi with wine sauce and veggies – to. die. for. Had some wine, chatted lots, and ate more. Erin’s friend Nicole joined us a bit later – all of us fully equipped in sweats – and we had a good old fashioned girls night. Filled with dancing (on couches – not at bars – to my ‘hardcore’ playlist… ha!), wine, and chatting. Ended up home late late late, and had a major spill on ice. Figured I was hurt, but went to bed after being helped home by a cab driver.
Saturday: woke up in a TON of pain, and figured something was wrong – went to the drs, and found out I had hairline fractures in my hip and vertebrae. Luckily nothing huge, but since I was also getting sick, it meant taking a few more drugs (pain killers, etc) than I normally would have liked. Then met up with 3 of my lovely man friends to head to our annual university friend holiday party – postponed from December. We finally got to meet my lovely friend’s son and spend some time with them… then, when they took off, we watched football – both the incredibly exciting saints/49ers game and then my pride and joy, the new england/broncos game (and a beautiful win by my pats), ate chili, and then danced the night away to music from our university years. It was a great night… as it always is. Went to bed not as late as I expected we would, which was good, as I felt like my cold was getting worse.
Sunday: woke up to the sounds of breakfast being prepared, and felt awful (cold-wise – not hungover). Ate breakfast with my extended university family, and then after goodbyes, we headed out. Dropped the boys off, and went home and slept. For a long time. Unfortunately, as a result, missed the ravens/texans game. then headed up to my landlords place to watch the remainder of the giants/green bay game (poor aaron Rodgers), and eat tomato soup from a can (best sick guarantee). Chatted for a bit, watched some modern family, and then headed downstairs and to bed.
Unfortunately, the massive amounts of sleep didn’t help, and I spent Monday off work. Sleeping, eating soup, and sleeping more.

I hope everyone had a GREAT weekend – filled with as much football and friends as me, but much less sickness, and injury. and now. to enjoy the playlist that erin and nicole and i did on friday.

hard. as. f*ck. from coordinatedmadness on 8tracks.

my weekend in summary

had a great weekend filled with sports, friends (new and old), family, family, family and more family. i'm so lucky to have an AMAZING family, who puts up with me, and i remember it every day.

danny, our ticket agent, counting bills (and i quote), 'dolla dolla bills' (yes - he literally said this. we loved him); grey jeans and beer - we were all a little predictable; game in action (love the new floor); apparently friends with no imagination; our game crew - myself, erin's friend, erin, pat, and pat's friend; kareoke at the unknown bar with friends; my first rainbow that i've ever driven directly under - stunning; the snow at the cottage on the lakeshore; gma's bday cake.

Friday: I got a message at work on Friday afternoon from my landlord, asking if I wanted to join them for a raptors game – since I never say no to sports (and i was supposed to go with a friend, but unfortunately plans fell through), we coordinated heading home, having some drinks, and then heading over to the game for the night. When I arrived home from work, I did the scramble to shower, and get dressed (so I looked like a normal human being), and headed to their place for a drink. Erin and her friend and I sat for a bit, and then headed to the game, where we sat up high in the 300’s, drank beer, and had a great time. We eventually were able to meet Pat (my male landlord) and his friend who were already there, and sit with them for the rest of the game. We all headed back to our favourite bar with no name, about a block from our house, and hung out there for a while. Jason and Elliot, who own and manage the bar, are the best. They've provided us with MANY chips, and lots of mouse traps throughout the past few months, and we ALWAYS scrounge an oppourtunity to go hang with them. so much so, that pat, erin and i have committed to a new year's resolution of going at least once every 2 weeks to hang with them. I’m lucky to have amazing landlords, who I can talk about anything and everything with – and who will stick up for me when needed! Once it got late, we headed home, and I got settled into sweatpants, when I got a message from another friend (one of my sister’s best friends), who was at a bar about 2 blocks away. I changed back into clothes (those appropriate for public, anyways), and met up with him, and what turned out to be 3 of my sister’s friends, and a few other people at a kereoke bar just down the street. The bartenders were awesome, and let us stay way past closing time – just to get a good rendition of ‘bohemian rhapsody’ in. I walked home, watched some of ‘the league’ and went to bed.
Saturday: I woke up to my parent’s calling, to let me know they had just dropped my sister off at the airport to go back to school, and they would be at my place shortly to head to my grandma’s for her 80th birthday. They got there as I was scrambling to pack, etc. we drove directly to the cottage to drop some stuff off, and get some time in at the only place I can think of that makes me like snow. i love that place. We then headed to my grandma’s – waited for my aunt’s (two of whom had flown in from Alberta for the birthday celebration to surprise her), and hung out until dinner. Just in time to be late (in true family style), we all headed to the restaurant where my grandparent’s had been going for at least 20 years, for a great family dinner. Turned out I was supposed to do a speech, which I wasn’t aware of until after dinner – so my oldest cousin and I teamed up to say some words about my gma. And when she teared up, I managed to squeak in a joke, to lighten the tearfull mood. My grandma has had a few heart episodes, as well as quintuple bypass surgery, so we are all constantly aware of how lucky we are to have her (especially after losing my grandpa to a heart event some time ago). It was then a giant shift back to my gma’s house, where we all stayed up longer, and just chatted, told stories, and laughed all night (have I mentioned how much I love my family??).
Sunday: woke up to my aunt’s trying to get into their room to prepare to head back home – and then was woken again to say bye. They took off, I slept more, and then got up and hung around the house in my pajamas, with my gma (according to her, ‘it’s a day of rest’). We encouraged her to get dressed eventually when her eldest sister showed up, but she insisted she wasn’t getting changed, until she realized that a few more of her kids were showing up. Little did she know, we were surprising her with all of her remaining siblings, as a lunch surprise for her. We ate a ton of food, laughed a lot, and sat around listening to my gma and her siblings laughing about when they were kids – it reminded me so much of my dad and his siblings, it was so encouraging to see a group of 80+ year old people behaving in that way. Then, at one point, my gma and 2 of her sisters were sitting in a row on her couch, and all I could think was, ‘wow – that’s going to be K, D and I in 60 years’. So cool. At about 3:00, after some clean up, we took off, and my parents dropped me at home. I spent the rest of the night watching tv online, cleaning and organizing my apt, and catching mice – a live one in a bread loaf pan!! Cleaned a ton, lots to take to the shelter, and got into bed before midnight – which is GREAT for me. I even cooked all of my meals for this week… I’m turning over a new leaf!

Hope everyone had a great weekend – filled with as much laughter as mine was!

i can't imagine loving sports more.

this needs no introduction, other than strong props to the celtics, and reggie miller's 'choke' moment.



and yes, i cried. because i always do.
enjoy.

thems the breaks

I have alluded to it, but have had a hard time talking about it fully still - 9 months later... and yet, this thing has defined me for almost a year. Since my therapy is writing, what better way to deal with all that comes from a personality defining injury, than writing.
*if you get squeamish, you may not be ok with this. I'm not one of those people, so i don't think that this is one of those things that would make people uncomfortable.... but who knows. that's my disclaimer*
When it first happened, I didn't know what to think... i was competing in a fitness competition with a partner, and we were in a timed trial to do a circuit of exercises as quickly as possible. i was standing up from a squat (non-weight bearing), when i just knew. I knew I was hurt, but didn't know how badly. The pop - that sounded like a door slamming into a wall - and the feeling - which my partner, with her back to mine, described as a chair breaking behind her - could have been all in my head. The pain that shot through every part of my body, except for my legs, could have been imagined, simply from me hearing and feeling the break. I slumped down, and while everyone encouraged me to continue and finish the exercise (as we were going to win), I knew I was done. I will never forget the fear - the fear that if I tried to move my toes, I wouldn't be able to. the complete shock of what had just happened, and the fear that maybe I was wrong - maybe I hadn't hurt myself, and maybe my reaction was for nothing, and that i would spend the next year embarrassed in front of my colleagues. The tears didn't even come - they just welled in my eyes, rolling down my face once they became too much for my eyes to hold. I laid in the exact same position for 45 minutes, telling them to hold off on calling the ambulance, because maybe I would be ok. Maybe it was just a strain. Maybe I was overreacting. Every movement, every breath, every miniscule turn of the head caused the most excrutiating pain of my entire life, to bolt through my entire body.
Once the ambulance arrived, they informed me that they had no backboard - and that they would be lifting me onto the stretcher. I knew that meant more pain, but since i was in shock, it didn't occur to me that they could possibly move me incorrectly, and cause further damage. They lifted me on three, and I started involuntarily convulsing and hyperventilating from the pain. It was the first time in my life that I could not control my body as a result of the pain that I was in. it was the longest 4 minute ambulance ride of my life.
I spent 5 hours in emerg. It took 3 hours for a doctor to arrive, and another 30 min to get anything for the pain. They mixed up the story (stating that I fell, instead of just stood up), they pumped me full of 6 bags of morphine in order to have me lift my leg (which I couldn't do, even after 5 bags of morphine, and 1 bag of Demerol). They sent me home, 'ready to go!', and my friend had to carry me to the washroom, and 2 friends had to carry me out of the hospital.
They didn't do xrays in the emergency room, and even when I went to a walk in clinic 3 days later (limping/barely moving, bent over, on Percocet's and still crying from pain with every step), they all but refused to do xrays. I had to beg. Literally. Screaming in pain, and tears streaming down my face, the dr at the walk-in clinic huffed, as he wrote out my referral for an xray.
So then, when the xray came back to show I had fractured my L2 vertebrae into multiple pieces, I was almost relieved - it wasn't all in my head. And at that point, I thought it might be ok once it healed.

It wasn't until the CT scans and MRIs that they determined the rest of it - I had 65-85% tears in both of my hip flexors, I had 3 other bulging discs, and they had uncovered degenerative disc disease which (according to their testing) had been present since I was 10 years old, and an extremely advanced case.

Through a long series of tests, CT scans, drs and surgeon appts, lots of pain meds, and subsequent emergency room visits, I was told something I didn't want to hear - this will be the rest of your life.
The good news was, the bone was healing fairly adequately on its own. There was a 5 mm protrusion where the bone chips from the bone shattering stuck off of the vertebrae, but all things considered, the healing had maintained the vertebral shape, and was on its way. The bone would be solid again by December 2011 (can't wait!), and I would only have to be concerned about bone spurs where the protrusion was later in life.
The other good news was the torn hip flexors would heal. They would need time, as they were bracing the spine while the vertebrae healed, but they would be ok. Once the vertebrae hit 75% healed, the hip flexors could relax. They would always be weak, they would probably tear again, and I would always have mobility issues in my hips, legs and shoulders, but they would heal.

about 8 months after my accident - the healing progress (2nd vertebrae down)

The 'rest of your life news' - I have degenerative disc disease. They can see, on my xrays, CT scans, and MRIs, that my first L vertebrae (L5) is touching my tailbone - because the disc is completely gone. The L4 and L5 bones aare rubbing against one another, as the disc is nearly gone between those 2 vertebrae as well.

So where do I go from here?

Surgery for the rest of my life; expensive practitioners twice a week for years; a cane for possible another year; a limp for maybe a year after that; pain management for my entire life, at a level of pain that i don't even wish to describe; the inability to ever run or be active the way I was in the past; and hopeful fingers crossed for developments in surgery, leading to perhaps a permanent fix.

Now - I'm aware of the positives. I was EXTREMELY lucky, as they hesitantly told me that the bone chips from my vertebrae were millimeters away from puncturing my spinal column, which would have almost immediately meant paralysis. I was extremely active before, and so my surrounding muscles were prepped and ready to hold my spine in place, allowing it to heal the best way possible. I also never lose sight of how lucky I was after my car accident over Easter weekend, and that it simply re-tore my muscles, and moved some discs, but did not disrupt my vertebrae. I have had numbness in my fingers and toes, and appreciate every morning when I wake up, and wiggle my toes, then my fingers - and then bask in the fact that I can.

It's the smaller things that take some effort - things like travel plans down the drain; passions put at bay (such as sports, backpacking/portaging); what I thought was my 'healthy' part of life (with all my other health issues) is now subpar; the inability to ever really enjoy my nights out with friends, family, without pain blocking the truest of happy emotions; the list goes on.
i think it's a challenge for people to truly understand - i constantly hear "just stay positive!", which is an encouraging and blissful thought.... and i explained to my sister (who coudln't seem to understand why i coudln't just look on the good side of things), 'it's easy to be positive for 24 hours a day 7 days a week, for 6 months... and then there comes one day where it all culminates'. and i'm allowing myself to be sad on that one day. since i have an extremely high pain tolerance (a diagnosed condition, that is part of some of my other health issues - for real, not kidding), people seem to take for granted - or maybe just not understand - that this pain is unlike anything i've ever experienced. i've torn my achilles, broken about 50% of the bones in my body, had strains, sprains, tears; i've had heart issues, liver issues, kidney issues; i have a serious lymph node condition, and have spent the better part of my adult life sick to a point where most people would not be able to function... so i know pain. and this pain is nowhere close to anything i've ever felt before - and i feel it daily.

So for now, I just remember the little things. The friends who still ask me how I'm doing - and they're not talking about physically; the friends who - without question - offer me the bed at overnights, or the front seat in a car; the friends who carry pain killers with them everywhere, as they know how forgetful I am; the family who doesn't ask questions, and just put their arms around me when they can tell I'm in pain. It's things like this (and so much more) that I focus on... while the healing continues.

I'm proud of how far i've come - i've healed far quicker than expected, and i've made progress that gets me high fives at the chiropractor. i realize i talk about it a lot, and i've arrived at the point that i'm ok with that - if i don't talk about it, i think about it, and i don't get out my feelings on the subject. this is a huge development for me, and i realize that the people who matter are ok with it.

a week and a half ago, my extremely talented friend alex and i did a few photo shoots. she told me she wanted to get my back in, and when we looked at the finished products, i was ashamed at how minimally i could arch my back... and then i realized what i was saying.

i'm ok with it now. i can bend. i can stand. i can still laugh, and enjoy life. i can walk (eventually unassisted), and i can bend more than i could 2, 4, 8 months ago. and for that i'm proud. these are all vast improvements from last november, when i was bent at a 90 degree angle, shuffling to walk, and barely getting out of bed, because any movement hurt.

it's that small - seemingly insignificant - curve in the small of my back that i look at, and can see how far i've come.