i had a conversation the other day, in which someone said to me, 'i don't read your blog, but people i know do. and they are telling me you're in a bad place'. i was SHOCKED. for all the hard, honest, and gritty work i have participated in, driven, and worked worked WORKED on for the past 1.5+ years.... there were people out there who were reading and viewing and summarizing my experience into a negative and downtrodden life. 

I love dinner alone. I love to do most things alone, actually - the movies, shopping, running, events and classes. And dinner. Oh gosh how I love a solo dinner. And, due to the amount of travel i do for work, I've attuned this skill - sit at the bar. Chat with the staff. Observe the patrons. Strike up conversation where necessary. Bring a book if you want to be left alone. Never use the phone as a distraction (you're not doing it right!). Enjoy yourself. Order only what you REALLY want to eat. And drink. Not to impress anyone you're with, or to satiate someone else's cravings. Just. You.

so tonight - for my birthday - I went to dinner alone.  

today - while sorting through photo filters on Instagram - I had to take pause over the reality of what I was doing. on the hunt for that special filter. the right contouring and lighting. to soften the blemishes and to darken the eyelashes. more lips, less teeth. any combination of contrast and skin tone shading and saturation that would somehow turn me into a glammed up and celebrated movie star. and I stopped mid screen touch, to take a pause. pay attention to what I was doing - what I was allowing to happen.