i had a conversation a little while ago, during which someone said to me, 'i don't read your blog, but people i know do. and they are telling me you're in a bad place'.
i was SHOCKED. for all the hard, honest, and gritty work i have engaged in, driven, and worked worked WORKED on for the past 2+ years.... there were people out there who were still reading and viewing and summarizing my experience into a negative and downtrodden life.
and i had to really evaluate for myself - was all my talk of loving both the ups and downs, a big show and cry for help? that quickly faded - after giving it legitimate time and space to fully consider the possibility. and my evaluative mind settled. and i could reaffirm - for myself (and I suppose a bit for those who doubt). and then i spent some brain space, and time, considering what it was about the discomfort of sharing life, that would have people percieve my growth in a negative way. after all, life is a series of ebs and flows and ups and downs and a meshing of emotions that are positive and negative, and lovely and difficult. AND DAMN IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECTLY IMPERFECT.
and it's my belief that part of the reason people feel more alone now than ever (in a time when social media and technology is supposed to bring us closer together) is because people are far too consumed with their (perfectly contoured and filtered) brave face, and sharing the positivity and love that exists in their lives - or, in some cases, only a show of positivity, without the actual existence of it. and sharing only that. and those people are sharing those things amidst a world of judgement and narcissism and a strong amount of pressure from picture perfect homes and children and relationships and perfect manicures! we need perfect manicures people! and the more we share that brave face, the more isolated we feel.
i fall victim to it - even without intending to. I hear people share that they ‘had no idea’ when or if I'm going through a tough time because my Facebook seemed light, and my instagram is home to jokes and travel photos. they weren't able to read into the surface level photos of art and gardens and abandoned places, and perhaps the notes on struggle and sadness and hurt and wonder are lost amongst images and jokes. and while the beauty of mundanity, and neutral or banality is a goal for me, this interpretation that 'the kids are alright' is in contrast to the image that i - on the other hand - hope and strive to share. the reality. because that's how it exists.
today. i woke up 25 min after my alarm first went off (my snooze button is alive and well), and didn't get as much work done before yoga class as i planned. because often I am lazy, and get caught up in meaningless, repetitive social media in the morning, and lose time (LAZY. UNPRODUCTIVE). i did manage to get some work done, and then i drank my apple cider vinegar while making my smoothie (HEALTHY LADY ALERT), and then before i ran out the door at 9:15, i ate 2 shortbread cookies before finishing said breakfast smoothie (ALWAYS FALLING OFF THE HEALTHY EATING WAGON). i drove to class - even though it's a 15 minute walk (MORE LAZINESS; WHAT KIND OF AN ENVIRONMENTALIST ARE YOU). sweat a whole ton, and felt really great in some of my poses (YOGA QUEEEEEEEN); and also was consistently so distracted by the million things on my mind during class, that i had to literally shake my head (GET IT TOGETHER - FAILING AT YOGA AND PEACE AND ONENESS). i left yoga and showered (HIGH FIVE ON SHOWERING JAMIE!) and then got down to work. i ate 2 more shortbread cookies. and now, it's 3pm and i haven't eaten anything else since then (WHY DO YOU EVEN BOTHER TRYING TO EAT HEALTHY).
and that is life. and it’s real. and it’s perfect. and it’s imperfect. and it’s perfectly imperfect.
AND, it's not all of it. social media and this blog and anything I put out there isn’t a full picture. it's no ones full picture. it’s not every minute of every day. it’s not my bad hair day(sssssssss - plural), or my McDonald's happy meal. it’s not my snorting laugh at my mom’s text messages or when I trip down the stairs and no one sees. it’s not my (mental health drug) prescription picked up a month late or my solo wandering around Home Depot on a Wednesday. it's certainly not the deep dark corners of my psyche - that's for my mental health professional and i to work out - but it's a smattering of things that happen that feel authentic to me. and if one person can connect with these feelings, or moments, or one person can look out to the vast social media net, and identify with some momentary failure, or some admittedly embarrassing trait, then i will feel more connected and honest about who i am.
recently i made a new friend. we were friend-set-up by a third-party mutual friend, and - due to similar events in both of our lives - we clicked very quickly. we spoke at great length via text and technology prior to meeting in real life... and later on, when i was apprehensive about something - my translation from online jamie, to real life Jamie - and asked 'what if i'm not what they expected??' she said to me, 'you are nearly exactly what you present on social media'. and that - both for the specific thing i was anxious about, but also because #authenticity and #reasons - was one of the nicest compliments i'd received in a long time.
so. for those who are worried. my life is not falling apart. rest assured. this journey of self-discovery, and uncertainty, and love and life and break down and build up is what it's all about. the pain of loss and love, and tragedy and failure and prolonged self-induced pain, intermingled with joy and laughter and eyes-closed-music-enjoyment and yoga and swear words and murder podcasts and calm quiet. all things needed. all things worth reflection and respect. and for me, it's the things i've previously identified as 'negatives' that i'm learning are providing me much more space and material for my development and brain, than the uneventful life.
i mean, listen: that doesn't mean i would say no to a few weeks of netflix and dill pickle chips on the couch with no excitement to my name. KEEP THAT IN MIND UNIVERSE.
but at the end of the day, this is life. and it's beautiful, and scary, and healing, and hurtful, and calm and frantic, and excruciatingly boring, and painfully eventful. and man oh man - if we don't acknowledge each of those things for what they are, how they affect us, and how we can use those things to propel us forward? if we don't, i think we're missing the point. the concern that's asked of me is a welcome doorway to discussion on the realities of life - and i would ask, demand, beg for all of us to be asking those questions of people who present a life unexamined on social media or the internet (or simply in their person to person interactions). those people who seem to have it all together. perhaps they too are struggling with presenting their fears, and sadness, and pain and struggle, to anyone at all.
we'll all be ok. and for now, i'll sit with my anxiety and the sunshine and my happiness and my physical pain. and I’ll work hard at smiling some days, and some days, I’ll eat a bag of dill pickle chips and won’t feel a single millisecond of guilt - and instead, I’ll be involuntarily and truly, imperfectly perfect.
[best photo of a pre-counselling appointment jamie - bags under eyes. bagel in mouth (WHY DID I EAT A BAGEL? my body hates me for it). stress on face. lifeeeeee.]