today, I golfed for the first time since 'the great back-break of 2010'. and while I'm constantly hesitant to share my back-break journey ("no one cares jamie!"; "7 years and you're still talking about it??"; "how much could this back stuff really still impact you?" - all things I assume people are thinking), it still impacts my every waking moment - and so, it's important. and the work it does in my head is important.
today, I played golf.
most would call what I did today, a combination of terrible swings, zero contribution to the scramble, handing over 10 golf balls to the course, and getting a sunburn. they absolutely would not call it golf. (and I would agree). I called what I did today, a victory. a very very small step in the journey.
after my 10th flubbed shot (and I'm talking FLUBBED. this is not 'fishing for compliments corner'), my internal dialogue went like this: "you are terrible. you're embarrassing yourself. you're dragging the team down. and you have to do this for another 3 hours. get ahold of yourself - and stop thinking you can DO things."
and I held my outward smile - with the odd comment about my terrible swing, or another lost ball, or some other self deprecating comment while laughing and smiling - and felt awful.
and then I finally said, "I am frustrated." out loud. to people. I actually told them that what I was feeling was frustration and it didn't feel good. and my friend said, "jamie. this is your first game this season. you're hitting the ball. you're doing it."
she had no idea what it meant - because she had no idea that this was my first game this season, but also my first game of many seasons. my first game with my new back. my first game with my new - easier on myself and harder on myself - brain. and while it took a few more shots, her comment reminded me.
it reminded that i swung multiple golf clubs, multiple times, at multiple angles. I twisted and turned and walked and carried a heavy bag. it reminded me that i'm learning new movements and actions and behaviours still, everyday, as I continue to delve into things that I've shyed away from, since my injury. things that I haven't wanted to attempt, in case the pain was such that I could never do them again. it reminded me that I've learned to live with a pain that was once unbearable, and now simply exists - significantly - behind everything I do. all day every day. and it reminded me that in stride with that, I still manage to live.
and I hit a few good balls. and I laughed wholeheartedly more. and I reminded myself that baby steps are often a lot smaller than we think we are, or than we want them to be. and when I eased up on myself, I hit further, I hit higher, and I even forget what I hit on some shots - which, for me, is maybe the biggest shift.
and I really did get a wicked sunburn - which tells me that some other things I'm still working on.
