in some ways I'm a grown up. a pretty serious grown up with serious grown up life things. I invest in high value things, and I have stock options at work. I own many pairs of high heels, and I have 2 phones to ensure my work/life balance is maintained. (laughable, but I’m trying). I own diamonds - real diamonds - that I bought for myself. I have money in my bank, and I eat exceptionally healthy 85% of the time. I have a yoga membership, and I own a house and a car. My friends and I talk about mental health and mortgages and life insurance and the challenges and joys of raising their children, and just raising children in general. I take many vitamins and supplements and medications to maintain my health, all with the goal of warding off the impeding crumble of my body of porcelain. I own some great blazers and some great ‘slacks’, and some incredible, protective sunglasses for extra, adult-level badassery. and, i most definitely exhibit MANY forehead and eye wrinkles which I’ve been told is essentially the golden rule ticket into adulthood.
i attended many schools for a long while and have many degrees, diplomas, and certifications to my name. I've written thesis papers and read absurdly abstract books just to stretch my brain. I wash my whites with vinegar and baking soda to keep them white, and I have many pairs of practical footwear, that keep my back pain at bay. I drink greens every morning and I calculate my protein intake each day, along with other nutritional measurements based on my healthcare regiment worked out with my naturopath and dietitian.
and then, in other ways, that adult person, stares down the barrel of a stranger - a childlike being. bathed in immaturity and fraudulence.
i own (and consistently wear) far too many children's clothes. every night when climbing into bed, i have to move the teddy bear and blanket my grandma made me when I was a baby, onto a chair, to sleep. I still don't know how to curl my hair, and I only get a haircut (or have my hair done in general) two or three times a year. I own a small box of makeup that I rarely ever wear (it's all SO far past the expiry date), and I have 3 hairbrushes that are all for different things - but I have yet to figure out what those different things are. the day i bought a lawn mower was the first day i ever started a lawn mower, and was the first day i ever used a lawn mower. I miss the tax deadline every single year, and I still haven't figured out how to organize my personal or professional life such that when I sit down at my desk, it all makes sense. I can't stop buying happy meals. I use way too many exclamation marks in business emails, and have been known to wear gold lamé shoes to business meetings. when in Vegas for business (and some post work fun), my main 'wants' were the pinball museum, and to shoot guns outside. sometimes my sisters and I laugh so hard we snort and it's usually about a funny face one of us has made, or a hair flip gone awry, or one of us stumbling or walking into something, or posing like a circus animal. I don't carry a briefcase - I use a backpack like a small school aged child.
and while 'age is but a number' I sometimes think of any of the characteristics that I rountinely chalk up in the 'not even close to behaving like an adult' column, and make sure no one else is watching, noticing, realizing that i'm a sheep in wolves clothing (*idiom reversed intentionally). then, upon reflection, I awake to this entire book of them - of things that I've recently begun to realize that at some point (likely soon), I will need to grow out of. at some point, it’s like that I will need to throw out the dinosaur tshirts and excess hairbrushes. start using a briefcase and turn down the expressive repertoire in the emails. I'll need to relax with the happy meals and stop buying gold shoes and start sending my taxes in on time and suck it up and acknowledge that I own a house with a mortgage and I should probably stop taking glee in hanging art with swear words in it.
but when will I start to feel like a grown up? when will I stop feeling like the kid who just graduated high school, and is in control of her destiny because she was accepted to six universities and the world is her oyster? the strong, headstrong chick with her bf hanging on her every word, and a world of possibility because she's leaving home in the fall and taking 'sociology' and who really believes that will bode well for grown up job options. or when will I stop feeling like the energetic babe in 4th year, who - despite the consistent years of serious health challenges - is finally in control of her body and is running 10-20k a day and who's hair could get a job recommendation like *that* (running does wonders for my hair) and whose conversation skills could bring about world peace? and when will I stop feeling like the ambitious dynamo starting out in her first job - the 'young one' in the office, able to soak everything up because people are willing to teach because 'we get it, you're new - you're still learning!'
and the question is, when will I stop feeling like any of those versions of me - or any of the versions in between those versions of me. because I still feel like those girls, in different ways, every day. the headstrong high school grad chick; the energetic 4th year, conquer the world babe; the just graduated and released in the working world, ambitious dynamo. I still feel like any number of those versions of me - only now, it feels like those versions are a little less filled with possibility, control, and space to learn.
and if the world continues slowly changing - as my age gets up in digits - to a world where the control and possibility slips further away; where the health starts to degrade again, instead of feel controlled; where neither the hair nor the conversation skills can bring neither a job recommendation nor world peace; and certainly, a world where there's no room for mistakes and learning and patience and growth... if the world is changing as the earth moves in its rotation, and the number that I write on my driver's license or my passport or my credit card application or my counselors intake sheet keeps increasing in number... if that's the world I'm finding myself slowly rolling into, I don't want any part of it.
im happy to maintain the blazers and slacks; the stock options and investments; the greens and nutrition and baking soda and vinegar - but only if it means I never ever have to relinquish what makes me, me. the dinosaur tshirts and school child's backpack. the gut wrenching laughter with my sisters over immature feats of strength, and my longing to learn and make mistakes and ask questions.
when do we have to get 'old'? when does life tell us to hang up the childhood and move to a quirk free existence? and when are we told we must begin to judge people for holding onto those things - the ones that make them goofy or strange or hilariously childlike?
its taken me a long time to find a balance of old and new. a grown up version of me that inhibits the adult like characteristics that are required to find some sanity and stability in the day to day - but also a version who can tell the difference between a young, unknowing, and inexperienced me, and a me who is simply true to themselves. who TRULY loves snorting laugh jokes and a solid happy meal once in a while (twice a week), and gold shoes and shark shirts under blazers. and finding that has meant digging into what is growth, and what is just who we fundamentally are.
and im constantly learning and acknowledging and testing, how I can best be me. how can I balance all of those things, and allow my soul to shine - because I’m starting to realize that it’s those small things that allow those around us, to really see who we are. to take a peak into the depths and layers of our selves. and I think it’s those moments and propel us into a grown up type of success and growth, and connection. I’m still figuring it out - learning that maybe don’t talk to everyone about my murder podcasts, but it’s ok to tell them that I sing to my tomato plants. and that learning is ongoing - a work in progresss. but maybe the ‘figuring it out’ is actually where we want to be
until then, you'll find me in bed, on a weeknight staying up WAY too late, watching dirty comedies or campy horror movies in bed with cheezies (perpetual child), pain killers (perpetually 85-year old woman), and a good mix of old and young.
(a young me, at my dad’s desk. alternatively, an accurate depiction of my current being)