dirty words and labels

i became vegan 6 and a half years ago. i was in my fourth year of university, doing heavy amounts of reading about food insecurity within the region i lived in. i was studying the environmental effects of meat eating, and i was writing about plant based diets in other countries. quoting statistics and summarizing long papers with strong conclusions about the world of meat eaters we lived in.  and then, i was leaving my dorm (where i was a student advisor), and wandering to the cafeteria to grab a chicken breast for dinner.
something didn't quite add up. 
i was reading about the world's inefficiencies in meat production, and general country to country trade (specifically the trade that leaves canada in the dust when it comes to the price of meat), and then i was consuming the same meat that presumably had been shipped from japan or britain.
and i felt like a hypocrite.
so i changed - one day, i announced that i would be vegan. there was no transition (mostly because i knew if i didn't cut cold turkey, i'd never ever give up cheese). no prep period. i decided that march 1st felt like a good day for a life change.
(via)
of course there were my own rules. i ate cow from family farms (literally - my own aunt's and uncle's kept me deep in beef for 6 years... and bless them for it) where i knew how it had been raised, knew the people raising it, knew what it was eating, and what it's life looked like. i ate eggs from a farm i visited in toronto for the same reasons. essentially, the food i ate was food that i was confident was being raised in a responsible, and respectful manner. not organic - that's a whole other discussion - but instead meat and protein that had been raised the way animals were raised in a day where people existed off of 2 meals of meat a week. i was eating meat only when i had visited a farm and truly felt like the owners and operators of that farm were honouring the farming they were doing, and respecting the animals they were farming. when they were keeping their animals healthy for the sake of the animal, and not for the sake of the profit. when they were steering clear of horomones, and feeding their animals food... not chemicals.
throughout those 6.5 years, i described myself as vegan - it was the easiest way to explain to people without a long winded conversation, that i was a selective eater. very selective. and in scenarios (like work/sales settings) where a conversation was perhaps not appropriate, vegan was simply the easiest term to describe how i ate when at a chain restaurant. was i purely vegan? not in the strictest terms - i did eat meat. about once a quarter. did i want to order a meat dish at a chain restaurant where it had presumably come from a factory farm in who know's where's-ville? not in the least. so 'vegan' it was. but that's where things got sticky.
fast forward through 6 years of mostly vegan, and trying to explain myself to every single person alive. 6 years of people defensively acting as though what i'm doing is blasphemy, and an insult towards their way of life. 6 years of defending myself against people who - for some reason - took my eating/lifestyle choices as a direct attack on their own, and therefore a perfect opportunity to pick apart everything i was doing wrong as a 'vegan'.
it was getting to the point where i was doing more justifying than conversing about my eating choices.
i then experienced a run of health issues that people thought of as a perfect opportunity to break down my eating. i was told to introduce natural calcium back into my diet, and cut out gluten. talk about criticism HEYDAY.
then. i spent 10 days in a car, to move across the country.
i had been doing pretty well with my diet, despite long work hours and high levels of stress. then, i was thrown into a car for 10 days, with little else vegan to eat than subway sandwiches. SUBWAY. bread. galore.
needless to say, i was a miserable mess for those 10 days. and i couldn't help but think - in my quest to save the planet, and the political environment of the meat industry, i was eating commercialized bread and veggies? something didn't add up.
(via)
i'd been thinking about making the switch back to 'non-vegan' for a few months, and the trip solidified something for me - i was continuing with an activity, a lifestyle, a motion, just for the sake of a label. and for the people who held me strictly to the label.
i spent some time truly reflecting on the previous 6 years, and what it would mean to retract the label people had been using to describe me for that time. would i still eat consciously, and make every effort to eat clean, with strong ties to the community i was living in - be it locally in season foods, or nearby farmers honouring the farming tradition? absolutely. would i eat meat daily, and fall back into old habits of consuming meat without thought as to its origins, or it's pathway to my dinner table? absolutely not. would i feel better about conscious choices, and reinforcing to vendors, restaurants, and friends that sustainable meat, less often, was a much better way to go about things... than the way north american culture consumes meat now?
conversely, would i have to spend my time defending myself to those who attacked, as soon as they heard the term 'vegan', or could i instead spend that time discussing food, and it's origins with those same people who were less defensive when it was clear i wasn't attacking them with my lifestyle choices. it became sort of a no-brainer.
to be clear, those who have the time, and finances for a TRULY strong, and meaningful vegan lifestyle (i.e. ellen degeneres) are high up on a pedestal to me. it is strongly proven through research that a vegan diet is not only one of the most healthy lifestyles to live, but it is also indisputably the most environmentally friendly - if people are paying attention to where their plant based foods are coming from. however, in the time of working hard hours on hours of the day, and not having the means for a personal chef, i think we've all been tempted by a veggie dog (or 108745) as vegs. is a veggie hot dog a more sustainable option than a chicken breast from a local, sustainable farm? probably not. hence, the dilemma.
that is all to say, i'm no longer vegan. do i still buy vegan margarine? absolutely. does my diet still heavily consist of homemade hummus, rice cakes, and veggies? 100%. do i still prefer almond yogurt to regular? no question (well... i'm also biased as i'm still lactose intolerant, but that's another story).
at the end of the day, all it means is that you'll see meat on my plate every now and again, and i'll have the option to choose sustainable chicken in a grocery store, over a veggie sub on my next roadtrip.
oh, the possibilities are endless. 
(also - i may pretend i'm still vegan next time i visit my aunt... she makes a KILLER tofu pot pie).

insta-discoveries

following my first post on insta-discoveries, i received lots of comments (the real life kind... like friends give you? that are called conversations? i know, the weirdest) about more people to follow. i wish i could take credit for this... but it's all on the wonderful emma, who began her feature, and does it to perfection. but, because you know me well enough by now, i can't just post something without elaboration. so here we go... IRTH insta-discoveries part 2....
1  // noemie mcgovern from as ink remains. weird stories: i've read 'as ink remains' (noemie's blog) for a few years now. she lived in toronto for quite a while, and i would look to her for food tips, and her beautiful graphic design. then, with my move, i lost touch of a lot of my regular blogs that i used to read consistently. then - different life... i was hired for my new job, and did my new job training with a really awesome and spectacular group of people. one night when catching up with those old blogs, i finally made the connection that noemie from the blog, and noemie from my new job training WERE THE SAME NOEMIE. imagine that. so we did lots of 'OH MY GOSH!' and 'NO WAY' and all that jazz. and now, i feel a lot better about creeping on her amazing life, because i can consider her a friend, and it's less weird. noemie specializes in food, food, fashion, graphics, travel, food... and food. and her photos are stunning. you should check out her blog too.
2  // nicole dee. i think nicole may qualify as being in my top 5 favourite photographers of all time. and not just because she's my friend. i oogle her work constantly - be it lifestyle shots, self portraits, or simple day to day shots, she makes everything look natural, honest, beautiful and soulful. she lives in toronto, which helps - as it's one of my most favourite cities to see photos of. she takes amazing city shots, mixed with a life that is saturated with awesome and aesthetically pleasing people, and super fun things that i wish i did more of.
3  // christian mackie. another toronto based photographer, who takes photos of amazing desolate places, and makes run down and seemingly forgotten places look incredibly secret and wonderful. he did a photo series a little while ago of my old toronto hood, and i knew i was in for it. it's beautiful, and pulls at all the right heartstrings. he does great shots, in grungy places, while making them look like places you want to hide away in.
4  // monodelespacio. whatever it is, it's good. structural, architectural, empty spaces, forgotten places and mostly the mundane in new and spectacular ways. lots of colour, which is unusual for me to enjoy, but i love watching these shots in my feed. an "observer of daily chaos".
who are your favourites?

just some book lists that other people came up with.

since i've taken to reading approximately 3 books a week these days (call it a long bus ride commute, and no friends - i'll call it a strong pull towards literacy and higher being), i'm grasping at straws when it comes time to choose the next book. i end up with stacks of books from the library wait list that i can't read all at once, that i put holds on and then end up paying $13 in late fees for (you don't want to know how much i've paid in late fees throughout my entire life). and, i don't want meaningless, brainless, nothingness books either. i want something meaningful, something that will suit my place in life, and something where a word, title, name, quote pulls me away from the story, and makes me dog ear to come back to (sorry public library - i'm the one who's doing it!).
so, this list of 32 books that will change your life is perfect. even if it's not exhaustive (and by all means, i'm sure BUZZFEED has not been the one to nail an exhaustive and life changing list), it's something. i've read about 8 of the books (and am outrageously happy chuck palahniuk made the list) but 24 more isn't a bad starting place. and at this point, i'll take all the recommendations i can get..... including simply writing down all the names of the covers of books i thought looked 'compelling' in the NYC book store my sister and i spent almost an hour in a couple of weeks ago.
no, seriously - i even took photos. does this book look entirely enlightening? didn't think so.

i know. i know. don't judge a book by it's cover. so sue me.
what books are you reading lately, that you're loving, and i need to get ahold of?? please share - i'm desperate.

weekend in summary

i'm finally back into a bit of a routine, so i spent my friday off FINALLY getting a haircut (i even took before and after photos, as a reminder to myself that i need haircuts more often. the before is what i imagine che guevara looked like before he was captured), and exploring my 'new' hood. it was nice to have time to explore a bit and see where things are in relation to our place - as well as get into some shops, and FINALLY have a bit of money (don't tell my bank) to get some nice things. something about goal setting that's easier when you have a nice notebook to write said goals in.
my weekend posts may as well all be photos of tea. because it's all i do; the sunsets never cease to amaze me - the view from our apartment (sometimes) makes the homesickness better; finally got a small patio set because it was on clearance at shoppers. a strange place for a patio set purchase, but it's cute, it fits, and we needed one to eat outside. sooooo.... we're not picky; the best salad i've ever eaten (recipe from real simple - i used nectarines instead of peaches and just sort of threw all the ingredients together instead of measuring); lunches are like the perfect oasis - i've found the most awesome and hidden little space for when i'm working; i drooled over these herbs for a long time. i'm talking, 35 minutes or so; i've discovered the best way to avert teasing for wearing denim on denim is to mask said denim in prints. works like a charm; the night market in chinatown. filled to the brim with people; had dinner at bestie on friday night - though i'm not sure i was entirely ok with their wait system (we got bumped when we weren't back in time, and essentially had to wait all over again), when we finally sat down (almost) all was forgotten. would go back only if i knew it wasn't going to be crazy busy - or if i was alone, and could sit at the bar. beer was awesome, sausage was awesome, service was entirely accomodating. lovely experience once the wait was done!; so. much. sausage; vintage finds. FINALLY; making wedding jewelry for a september wedding friend; after finally getting a bbq, we bought some amazing trout and salmon, and did ourselves in; that (obviously) includes champagne.
happy monday all!

on understanding time. ordinary time.

We live in time - it holds us and molds us - but I never felt I understood it very well. And I'm not referring to theories about how it bends and doubles back, or may exist elsewhere in parallel versions. No, I mean ordinary, everyday time, which clocks and watches assure us passes regularly: tick-tock, click-clock. Is there anything more plausible than a second hand? And yet it takes only the smallest pleasure or pain to teach us time's malleability. Some emotions speed it up, others slow it down; occasionally, it seems to go missing - until the eventual point when it really does go missing, never to return.